Love and Courage

Riding the Wave

I just love that phrase...ride the wave, 

of emotional rising until it passes. 

 The image of meeting the power of the sea, with determination

 to be in the flow is easy to see.

  Mindful surfing in response to what is not in our control.

  I'm going to work on this one.

The Great Escape

Leaving my past in it's place is a task

 requiring me to admit what I want,

 and that requires knowing.

 And yes, knowing requires Faith.

What supports Faith?

 Probably the same things that can destroy it, humanity and experience. 

 It's what remains when a life is stripped of all the ornament.

 Faith is a weightless shapeless prayer

 offered to something greater than ourselves

 while digging a tunnel to freedom.

This is What Normal Looks Like

When you are cooking your partner stays in the kitchen to keep you company, or chop,

and calls to ask if you need anything on the way home.

You share, maybe you do the laundry and your partner washes your car.

Your partner asks how you are feeling, and listens to your response.

Sometimes your partner walks the dog, sometimes you do, sometimes you do it together.

Your partner asks you what you like and gives you that.

Your partner notices what you do to care for them.

Your partner respects you and your boundaries

When you are joyful, worried or tired, your partner can be with your feelings.

You encourage  each others talents

You accept  each others opinions

When my hands are full, a partner's hands are there to help

This was an assignment.

HEALING and GRATITUDE

  I'm so grateful for the work of authors, researchers and survivors (thrivers) who have gone before me and shared what they know. For me, the first step in healing was to define (name) the problems and find my tribe, then to tell the story and now to re-frame the story and move forward recognising my denial and damaging false beliefs.  All this I am attempting supported by not only those who write for the anonymous reader but with the miraculous help of my friends and family. Not a day goes by that I do not receive a truly kind word from someone who loves me. As I open my heart I receive the truth that I am not alone, that I am loved.

Part of what we all feel is separateness from one another, we feel alone. We judge ourselves and others.  This is something I've been conscious of for a while.  It is my goal to be open, to receive and to reflect to others the same feeling of belonging that I so desire.  I have experienced this and I know it's possible in the face of our most challenging moments but we cannot do this without one another.  Our shared humanity saves us.  Our imperfections connect us.

One small effort, one committed action, repeated from one day to the next accumulates and becomes  the neutral ground on which we live.  On this ground I have my memories of every kind thought and action that was purposefully given to me.  These offers of love are what sustain me and I reflect on them with gratitude.

                                                   Thank You

All That You Have is Your Soul

18 Year Old Girls / False Positive Sex

The increasingly popular pornography genre of 'barely legal' pornography, created by a seemingly endless stream of 18 years old girls who offer themselves up to the pornography industry for the chance at becoming a porn star, had me thinking about myself at 18.

I didn't grow up in a pornified culture, the 1960's,  but I did experience the potential power of being young and sexual.  Recently, I spent some time watching youtube videos of Sasha Grey whose self nominated entry into the pornography industry at age 18 resulted in at least 80 films in the first year. Most of them of the body punishing variety. Sasha readily admits to a voracious appetite for Internet pornography (her sex education) beginning at age 16 and an 'I can do that' response to these images.  But, in looking at her face I noticed a blankness, a frozen look. Her eyes seemed flat, sort of dead, and I thought I recognized in her a small part of myself when I was her age.

The temptation to return the line of fire on the patriarch with the weapon of sex, to defend and to retaliate or to find value is seductive indeed. Having sex as a commodity to offer or deny may be the first time in her life that a girl feels empowered. I don't know Sasha's personal history as a young girl but I sense that her use of sex as an instrument of power-over is reactionary. Against what events exactly, I don't know. We do know Sasha formulated her sexual appetite and education from countless hours watching Internet pornography.

Watching Sasha speak in interviews gave me the pause to remember when I thought that sexuality could be used as currency.  At least that's the way it appeared.  What Sasha and other young women don't know(what I didn't know) is that there is a boomerang effect when using sex as a tool of power-over. The reality is that she is repeatedly oppressed and becomes more objectified with each reactionary offense.  Until her eyes are dead.  She offers herself up in total self sacrifice believing she is in control but her actions are false positive.  It is the annihilation of Self in an effort to defend oneself.

A young woman whose perception that her sexuality is her only weapon, perhaps her only value, is a pornographers (wet) dream.   Our best societal remedy is to place integral value (and lots of it) on young girls and boys as individuals, to prevent abuse, and to challenge the pornified culture that has become normative with a narrative that sex is a personal intimate exchange of equal engagement not an opportunity to weild power over another.  This of course would require equality of gender, an activist cause which we ignore at our own peril.

The Little Barbies

The Little Barbies  In the Sex Crimes Bureau of the Brooklyn District Attorney’s Office, in the pediatric division of Fort Bragg’s Womack Army Medical Center, in the back alleys of Waterbury, Connecticut, and in the hallways of Hartford’s Community Court, Assistant D.A. Rhonnie Jaus, forensic pediatrician Dr. Sharon Cooper, ex-streetwalker Louise, and Judge Curtissa Cofield have all simultaneously and independently noted the same disturbing phenomenon. There are more young American girls entering the commercial sex industry—an estimated 300,000 at this moment—and their ages have been dropping drastically. “The average starting age for prostitution is now 13,” says Rachel Lloyd, executive director of Girls Educational and Mentoring Services (gems), a Harlem-based organization that rescues young women from “the life.” Says Judge Cofield, who formerly presided over Hartford’s Prostitution Protocol, a court-ordered rehabilitation program, “I call them the Little Barbies.”  The explanations offered for these downwardly expanding demographics are various, and not at all mutually exclusive. Dr. Sharon Cooper believes that the anti-intellectual, consumerist, hyper-violent, and super-eroticized content of movies (Hustle & Flow), reality TV (Cathouse), video games (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City), gangsta rap (Nelly’s “Tip Drill”), and cyber sites (Second Life: Jail Bait) has normalized sexual harm. “History is repeating itself, and we’re back to treating women and children as chattel,” she says. “It’s a sexually toxic era of ‘pimpfantwear’ for your newborn son and thongs for your five-year-old daughter.” Additionally, Cooper cites the breakdown of the family unit (statistically, absent or abusive parents compounds risk) and the emergence of vast cyber-communities of like-minded deviant individuals, who no longer have disincentives to act on their most destructive predatory fantasies. Krishna Patel, assistant U.S. attorney in Bridgeport, Connecticut, invokes the easy money. Criminals have learned, often in prison—where * “macking” memoirs such as Iceberg Slim’s Pimp are best-sellers—that it’s become more lucrative and much safer to sell malleable teens than drugs or guns. A pound of heroin or an AK-47 can be retailed once, but a young girl can be sold 10 to 15 times a day—and a “righteous” pimp confiscates 100 percent of her earnings. read the rest at   http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2011/05/sex-trafficking-201105 These are two of the popular Bratz Babies that are produced for children ages 4+  Please explain how this is not part of "porn culture". *thesaurus for macking:  mack kissing making out pimping flirting sex hooking up pimp mackin flirtgame player hitting on mac spitting game dating mackage necking pimpinfacebook more...

Pseudo-Child Pornography/ (this ain't your daddy's playboy)

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Reality Check (with a spy pen)

I just read the best method ever (a personal account) for giving yourself a reality check in a verbally abusive relationship.  Abuse Amnesia is one of the biggest pitfalls for women in these relationships.  Sometimes the words are so crazy that you can't believe, or remember, he ever said it ...unless...you had a recording.  Better than a journal, an audio recording will give you the actual voice, complete with the menacing, mocking and sarcastic tones. As always, you won't have to say or do anything to get him going, just be patient.

The method is as simple as a cell phone.  Most of them have audio recording devices on them already and how easy is it to just have it handy, or even right in your hand when a "conversation" happens. Another wonderful alternate is a "spy pen" that can lay about innocently or just be in your purse for one of those famous rages when you're a hostage in the car at high speeds. Next time you want to jump out of a moving car, don't, just activate your cell phone and you'll be able to prove to yourself, that YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. I so wish I had read about this years ago.

Rusty Feminists, get out your cell phones (and spy pens) and give yourself a Reality Check!

(Who said that a Rusty Feminist doesn't have a sense of humor, I'm NOT kidding!)

Pornified : Pamela Paul

"One of the more insidious attacks against women who oppose pornography accuses them of being prudish and uncomfortable with their own sexuality, "insecure," and "jealous."  Terrified of being labeled "anti-sex," "humorless," or "feminists," many women have neglected to stand up to pornography.  Yet to be opposed to porn in no way means a person is opposed to sexuality in all of its healthy and positive forms.  Women who are the most secure and confident, who have the temerity to stand up to such fallacious claims, are surely stronger than the women held in sway by the pornified culture's myths.  Moreover, the idea that a woman can't "own" or "explore" her own sexuality without incorporating pornography into her life (as "sex positive" pro-porn feminists would have it) is insulting, and an extraordinarily narrow and limiting view of sexuality."Pamela Paul, "Pornified: How Pornography Is Damaging Our Lives, Our Families and Our Relationships"

---

I like her view, it rings true. I think that (young) women who endorse pornography by mimicing it's fashion and pop culture are not recognizing how their participation undermines our shared responsibility to increase respect and equality for women.  Taking on "porn culture" as a form of liberated self expression is a 'false positive' stance for women. The result is the continued and escalating bondage of both men and women to the roles of power over as opposed to equality.

Surviving Trauma / Video

You Might be a Narcissist If...

 Paul Meier, Lisa Charlebois, Cynthia Munz 

You Might be a Narcissist If…

Healthy people continually self—evaluate and try to learn and grow. They accept feedback from others and understand that they may not always be right in how they view themselves or situations. When it comes to their attention that a certain attitude or behavior is getting in the way of their relationships, goals, or aspirations, they attempt to make changes to improve the quality of their lives. 

It should be noted that it often takes quite a bit of time, consideration, and focus for adults to begin exhibiting new behaviors. Often this is just because old habits can be hard to break. However, the more a person is character disordered (again, it is always on a continuum), the more his thoughts, attitudes, feelings, and behaviors (traits) interfere with his ability to maintain healthy relationships with others. The intensity of his character disorder is defined by his level of insight (whether he is able to view himself realistically ---even after receiving feedback from others), his ability to have empathy for how his behaviors make another person feel, and the degree of motivation he shows to change his behavior because of the insights he lacks in viewing himself and others in a realistic way. Therefore, a person is character disordered when:

1-He lacks realistic insight into himself

2-He tends to project blame onto others (accuses them of doing the things that he is actually doing rather than taking responsibility for his actions).

3-He has little or no care about how his behavior hurts the people he loves.

4-He shows little or no motivation to change.

I like this particular text because it relates the Narcissist's level of disinterest in insight with his degree of Personality Disorder. Wrongly, I thought that the right combination of my self reflection and my  changed  behavior, on behalf of my partner's deficits, would help our marriage make sense.  My deluded belief that I could control and fix another through sheer force of will kept me from accurately seeing that each of us can only be responsible for our own growth and mental health. Finally, I am letting go of my habit of imagined influence over him and simply saving myself (from myself)! And that's how I got here, to the Rusty Feminist.

BETRAYAL

Getting beyond (making peace with) the betrayal in my long marriage may be the single most difficult task I have and certainly it will take time, and for me, examination and exposure along the way.  It is as much a need to recount the betrayal as it is the dedication to reality that I must now maintain in my review.  This is painful and necessary.

Much of the pain is about the fact that my years of acceptance of my partner's behaviors and words contributed to my losses today. Simply stated, I participated. Whether from ignorance or denial my complicity in the face of his relentless addictions and truly unloving behavior allowed this result.  Some days, it is little compensation to know that through pain comes growth and that life is difficult.

BTT (betrayal tauma theory)postulates that betrayal traumas—abuses perpetrated by someone the victim trusts and depends upon—pose unique challenges to the victim, creating a conflict between the need to maintain a relationship and the need to respond to betrayal with protective action. While protective action might usually involve confronting or withdrawing from the perpetrator, the requirements of maintaining a necessary relationship may make such a response dangerous. BTT proposes that this bind leads to a number of serious reactions, including betrayal blindness and risk for mental and physical distress. Although child abuse is the prototypical betrayal trauma, Platt, Barton, and Freyd (2009) have also explored the plight of battered women in terms of betrayal trauma theory. 

http://csws.uoregon.edu/wp-content/docs/publications/ResearchMatters/2009_fallRM.pdf

There were false beliefs that held up my denial as well as pride.  As much as I read the literature of co-dependence and attempted to unlock my frozen responses in therapy, I could never really face that my life had become so disjointed.  Surely I had not made such a grievous error in judgement as to give my heart, my life, my fortune, my talents and my children over to another who's capacity to love and respect me was so utterly impaired.  It is a profound moment to embrace the first step,  I am powerless.   

Brene Brown on empathy and Shame

The Reasons You Stay Stuck...Psychological Reversals

Sometimes others outside yourself can see what your problems are in your relationship and you can't. When you continue doing the same thing, which results in more unhappiness and pain for yourself, you are in denial. You may have a Psychological Reversal.  

Psychological Reversals are pervasive mental blocks that prevent you from making changes that are in your best interests. They are areas of yourself where you cannot change and do not understand what is happening to you. They are the dogmatic self-limiting beliefs, which keep you stuck, even when you want to act differently. They usually are in the subconscious mind and you are not aware of them. They are what you cannot see about yourself in continuing unhealthy behaviors and relationships. They are hidden way excuses and ingenious reasons for staying as is! Often they are programmed into the child who was naive and open to condemning judgments of others who learned to feel worthless and helpless.  

Ask yourself, "What is my excuse for not changing? What part of me is afraid of change? What is the underlying fear that keeps me from changing this situation that hurts others and myself? Why have I given in repeatedly to someone else's anger?"  

The following list gives the most common reasons people stay stuck. These are the Psychological Reversals that prevent you from making the necessary changes for you to be happy in life. Down deep somewhere inside of you, not rocking the boat is serving you in some perverse way.  

Be honest now. There are reasons why you do not make changes. Your objections to change have to do your deepest fears. Check the self-limiting beliefs that prevent the release of your long-term problem. 

Fear, Doubt, Readiness and Willingness 

____ I am NOT READY to eliminate this problem 

____ I DO NOT DESERVE to get over this problem 

____ I AM UNWILLING to get over this problem 

____ I CANNOT GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to get over this problem 

____ I MAY TRY AND STILL NOT GET OVER this problem 

____ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LET GO of this problem 

____ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS RIGHT to let go of my problem 

____ I will have to STOP DENYING THAT MY PROBLEM is not important 

____ I will LOSE SOMEONE OR SOMETHING IMPORTANT If I get over this problem 

(excerpted from Lynne Namka Ed.D 2002)


Maybe you have identified with one or more of the self limiting beliefs listed above.  If you are here reading this you are already kickin it to the curb, girlfriend!  You already know what to do. Let's get unstuck Together.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

"We must always hold truth, as we can best determine it, to be more important, more vital to our self-interest than our comfort. Conversely, we must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant, and indeed, even welcome it in the service for truth. "Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs."  ~M. Scott Peck 

Well, he's got a pretty good point  here. Wasn't the first  sentence of his famous Road Less Traveled, "Life is difficult".  My daughter recently remarked that "Life is relentless".  Yes to both those truthful statements.

Denial is a bit like a lie, don't you think, the difference being in the degree of consciousness. There does come that moment of awareness when the denial morphs into an identifiable lie.  It's subtle but you can hear it.  When I heard it I felt uncomfortable in my own skin because I knew that I could no longer turn away and I had to act.  Reality can be very NOT fun and God has a way of giving you more of the same until you surrender to the task you fear most.

I'm really hoping that life is long enough to have some perspective and some peace towards the end.  Am I kidding myself?  (a girl can dream)

"Mental Health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs."

     Rusty Feminists, Dedicated to REALITY

Deconstructing My Fractured Dream

My marriage lasted more than three decades.  During that long life I attempted resuscitation numerous times with all manner of efforts.  It seemed as if periodically everything would 'go south' and I would start (again) searching under rocks to find help.  In the beginning there was no Internet and finding  sources for help was pretty much dumb luck. I might have had only one friend whom I thought I could trust to ask for a reference at any time.

There was therapy, to which I mostly went alone looking for the answers.   I found therapy first in a women's group using guided meditation, listening to the experiences of other women and curious to find how they managed their marriages.  I joined both Alanon and CoDa (also groups) at different times sitting in church halls in folding chairs with coffee and a table of pamphlets in the back. It was here that I first heard the word Detachment.

One therapist I went to had me play both sides of an issue, changing chairs when I did.  Another one told me her mother didn't divorce her father and lived to regret it.  She looked at me with compassion.  One male therapist I saw was alarmed to hear that I bought all my husband's clothing for him.  He said he wished his wife would do that for him and hugged me. A few summers ago I saw a therapist and mostly just cried on the sofa.  I remember she said,"You don't have to stay." She sometimes looked at me as if I had said something that surprised her. I'm pretty sure she thought I should have left long long ago.

I attended therapy three times with my husband.  At the first attempt we were obliged to return six times and we did.  I can't remember anything except my husband told the therapist he was pissed that I threw away his underwear.  I did, when they had holes in them. The United Way offered couples group therapy services for recovering addicts.  I think my husband was stunned to find he had commonality among blue collar workers spending their paychecks on crack.  This one sort of worked, for a while. Catholic Services offered therapy on a sliding scale when I couldn't afford it.  They recommended a couples retreat weekend where everybody told their secrets, mostly about infidelity, and I told mine or rather his.

I saw one psychiatrist when I became depressed.  I was wearing sunglasses all the time to cover up my red eyes, from crying all day long. She called it a situational depression.  She prescribed me anti-depressants and we never discussed too much, just my outlook in general. It did help me get past the depression.

More than once I exported my marriage to a nice hotel or resort thinking that some away time would fix the emotional distance between us.  It helped in the moment, we had sex, but that never addressed his chronic abuse and why I allowed it.

Finally I used the Internet as a research tool and significantly improved my odds of deconstructing the fractured dream that had become my marriage.  The way I discovered the words Verbal Abuse  for the first time was through a google search. I typed, "husband gives cold shoulder" and I found Patrica Evan's website and her books. When I read them my jaw dropped.  I was underlining on every page.  This was my life, on those pages. That was five years ago.

Since then I have worked with a Jungian Analyst and just recently I entered into trauma therapy, both of which have been significantly helpful to me.

Here I am telling you my story so you'll know that this is not so easy to get here and I have a way to go before I am healed.  If you are stuck in a relationship with an Abuser or Addict my heart goes out to you. You are not unlike a prisoner in your own home.  Luckily, there are many more women today who are willing and able to tell their story.  I hope this will help you to see that you are NOT alone and others have been where you might be.  Looking under rocks, on the Internet!

Want More Sex? Do the dishes!

Who Has the Time? The Relationship Between Household Labor Time and Sexual Frequency

1. Constance T. Gager Montclair State University, New Jersey

1. Scott T. Yabiku
   1. Arizona State University, Tempe

Abstract

Motivated by the trend of women spending more time in paid labor and the general speedup of everyday life, the authors explore whether the resulting time crunch affects sexual frequency among married couples. Although prior research has examined the associations between relationship quality and household labor time, few have examined a dimension of relationship quality that requires time: sexual frequency. This study tests three hypotheses based on time availability, gender ideology, and a new multiple-spheres perspective using the National Survey of Families and Households. The results contradict the hypothesis that time spent on household labor reduces the opportunity for sex. The authors find support for the multiple-spheres hypothesis suggesting that both women and men who “work hard” also “play hard.” Results show that wives and husbands who spend more hours in housework and paid work report more frequent sex.      

                                                     

Definition of Addiction/American Society of Addiction Medicine

If you are interested in what constitutes an ADDICTION, here is an excerpt from the American Society of Addiction Medicine , ASAD, Public Policy Statement dated April 12, 2011.  There is a link at the end of this post to the original source for more information.

Public Policy Statement: Definition of Addiction

Short Definition of Addiction: Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

---

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Addiction affects neurotransmission and interactions within reward structures of the brain, including the nucleus accumbens, anterior cingulate cortex, basal forebrain and amygdala, such that motivational hierarchies are altered and addictive behaviors, which may or may not include alcohol and other drug use, supplant healthy, self-care related behaviors. Addiction also affects neurotransmission and interactions between cortical and hippocampal circuits and brain reward structures, such that the memory of previous exposures to rewards (such as food, sex, alcohol and other drugs) leads to a biological and behavioral response to external cues, in turn triggering craving and/or engagement in addictive behaviors.

The neurobiology of addiction encompasses more than the neurochemistry of reward.¹ The frontal cortex of the brain and underlying white matter connections between the frontal cortex and circuits of reward, motivation and memory are fundamental in the manifestations of altered impulse control, altered judgment, and the dysfunctional pursuit of rewards (which is often experienced by the affected person as a desire to “be normal”) seen in addiction--despite cumulative adverse consequences experienced from engagement in substance use and other addictive behaviors. The frontal lobes are important in inhibiting impulsivity and in assisting individuals to appropriately delay gratification. When persons with addiction manifest problems in deferring gratification, there is a neurological locus of these problems in the frontal cortex. Frontal lobe morphology, connectivity and functioning are still in the process of maturation during adolescence and young adulthood, and early exposure to substance use is another significant factor in the development of addiction. Many neuroscientists believe that developmental morphology is the basis that makes early-life exposure to substances such an important factor.

Genetic factors account for about half of the likelihood that an individual will develop addiction. Environmental factors interact with the person’s biology and affect the extent to which genetic factors exert their influence. Resiliencies the individual acquires (through parenting or later life experiences) can affect the extent to which genetic predispositions lead to the behavioral and other manifestations of addiction. Culture also plays a role in how addiction becomes actualized in persons with biological vulnerabilities to the development of addiction.

Other factors that can contribute to the appearance of addiction, leading to its characteristic bio-psycho-socio-spiritual manifestations, include:

1. The presence of an underlying biological deficit in the function of reward circuits, such that drugs and behaviors which enhance reward function are preferred and sought as reinforcers;
2. The repeated engagement in drug use or other addictive behaviors, causing neuroadaptation in motivational circuitry leading to impaired control over further drug use or engagement in addictive behaviors;
3. Cognitive and affective distortions, which impair perceptions and compromise the ability to deal with feelings, resulting in significant self-deception;
4. Disruption of healthy social supports and problems in interpersonal relationships which impact the development or impact of resiliencies;
5. Exposure to trauma or stressors that overwhelm an individual’s coping abilities;
6. Distortion in meaning, purpose and values that guide attitudes, thinking and behavior;
7. Distortions in a person’s connection with self, with others and with the transcendent (referred to as God by many, the Higher Power by 12-steps groups, or higher consciousness by others); and
8. The presence of co-occurring psychiatric disorders in persons who engage in substance use or other addictive behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by²:

1. Inability to consistently Abstain;
2. Impairment in Behavioral control;
3. Craving; or increased “hunger” for drugs or rewarding experiences;
4. Diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships; and
5. A dysfunctional Emotional response.

www.asam.org/DefinitionofAddiction-LongVersion.html

Women in my Tribe/ Wives of Addicts and Abusers

I recently had the blessing of spending time with other women who were in marriages to sex addicts. They were struggling, devastated, and all of them asking for God's help. Their lives were in disarray, they had been hit hard with the blunt instrument of a husbands secret betrayals. The injustice was palatable, their courage was astounding.

What struck me the most was the reliance on Faith that these women shared. Faith which had already lead them to lives of forgiveness and second chances. Is this why we remain in partnerships beyond reason, beyond logic? We all had been told that life is difficult, marriage takes work and nothing comes easily.  We look to God to tell us when enough is enough and pray for guidance. The problem is that in trusting the God outside of us we can loose sight of His true desire.  God wants us to first love ourselves. He wants us to look within our own hearts. 

I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school all the way through college. I've been in many classrooms and church pews listening, talking to God and praying. At a critical point in my long marriage, when I could think of nothing more to do and feeling utterly defeated, I would lay on my bed and turn my palms up, asking God to do with me what he chooses, I was drained and at his mercy.

There are too many moments like these for partners of addicts and abusers, too many too bear. In many cases women stay, like I did, to preserve the family unit, weighing the scales of good and evil and believing that this is what God wants them to do. I followed this pattern and in the part of the abusive cycle when life is good I felt righteous in my temporary reward. If I could travel back in time and sit beside my troubled self, I would extend a hand and a word of encouragement that I am valuable and worthy of my own effort.  But in the end, each woman leaves her abuser/addict when she is finished, whenever that is.

 In my tribe we leave when we can finally demonstrate self love and we find that God will meet us half way.

How To Develop Detachment

How to Develop Detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.


Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/#ixzz1XDWbb0PJ