Be the Change/ Merry Christmas

Gaining Perspective

In the wake of my partners addictions so many suffer.  He suffers and doesn't know why.

Every day I gain perspective and strength and every day I am challenged by his behavior which seems to have no bottom.  The destruction caused by his paranoia, his  delusions and the transparent tricks of his counsel are dis heartening.

                        These are moments that only prayer will do.  I'm giving it over to God tonight.


                                                                            PEACE

Learning from Other Women

Today I was able to share what I know with another woman.  I could say to her,  "I know how you feel". I could say to her "I have felt those feelings, I know what that is like".  It was empowering to be able to share what I know and look back on even recent misery and to assure her that it is possible to not only survive but to overcome.

There were many moments that seemed impossibly floundering to me.  When I was treading water and saying prayers while trying to battle desperation.  It's what hopelessness feels like.  I know that crummy soupy place where hope is lost, just gone.

I don't know why we are subject to such moments but I know we all have them.  My survival has depended on my connection to humanity and to understanding, really understanding, we are one.  Maybe that's empathy, or maybe it's really embracing humility.  Without one another we really are living in desperation. I lost a dear friend to that darkness this past summer.  We shared a laugh just days before she lost her connection to others and I mourn her.  She stood at the edge of the abyss, and took a step forward.

Through our connections to others we can take a step away from the edge.  I am fortunate to have done this, but I didn't do it alone.  When I really looked around me I was surrounded by others collected over a lifetime.  I am not alone, I am not abandoned. You are not alone. You are not abandoned.

 I can help someone.  I am grateful for this life.

Betrayal and Discovery Over Time

For years I minimized and denied the realities in my long marriage. Some of those realities were hidden from me, secreted by my partner, but there were plenty that were evident but I chose to avoid.  I spent a lot of energy on resentment as a result of my disappointment in my partner's behavior which I mistakenly thought I could influence. I was depressed and confused and felt sorry for myself when I faced the inevitably loneliness.


What I have come to understand is that there never was a chance to have a relationship of mutuality with my partner..  His behavior now and in the past has reinforced to me that I was never enough, that our children were never enough, to motivate him to be the grown up and loving man that we needed.  It was never about us, it was about him.  His needs, his opinions, his control, his self loathing and his addictions.


I know now that I brought to my marriage a greater than average fear of abandonment, which caused me to stay transfixed in an unhealthy partnership, because I lost my mother at a young age.  I know now that I was attracted to my partner because my family of origin co-mingled pain and love and when I experienced that early in my marriage it felt familiar.  I know now that my religious education taught me to be self less and to sacrifice and that because of my birth order I was trained to care for others, especially those who were needy and able to reflect my own brokenheartedness.  I know now that I held tightly to the false belief that love would conquer all.  With all this vulnerability it was as if I had no choice but to follow the path that I did.


Had it not been for the relentless confusion and loneliness in my marriage I may not have learned these things about me.   This is after all what I always wanted, to know myself. Having this knowledge presents another challange and something else I've always wanted.  That is to be true to myself and to be mindful as I go forward, not just to myself but to others.


I can't quite yet say I am fully grateful for the troubles in my marriage and I still imagine I could have been a good partner to a less troubled man.  But that is not what I chose.  So I am giving this old life into the hands of God, who knows better than me what I needed.  Today I am breathing and crossing my hands over my chest, praying that I will be able to move forward with my whole heart.