Brett Dennen

                                                Thanks Sam

Checklist for Going Forward

                                    Leave your baggage behind,
                                   
                                    don't dwell on past sorrows.

                                       Bring a hopeful outlook

                            and trust that your life is as it should be.


                                 Check your judgement of others,

                                        welcome opportunities

                                       and believe in gratitude
                                                           

                                                         
        Be joyous....Be of service.....Be yourself
                                                     
     





                                        

Checklist for Leaving

Checklist for Nons Escaping from Oz

BEFORE YOU LEAVE
1. Start a private bank account in a bank that your SO doesn't use and put money in it.
2. Rent a post office box and forward your mail to it.
3. Have a safe place to stay, preferably where your partner won't easily find you.
4. Reconnect with responsible and supportive friends and family who were pushed away during your relationship with your partner.
5. Make copies of important documents that you will need:
- Bank/Credit Card records
- Telephone records
- past tax return copies, bills, financial records etc.
- educational and medical records for the children
6. Put the following in a secure location:
- your credit/debit/atm cards
- wedding/birth certificates,
- passports
- photographs and family treasures that you want to keep
7. Important records concerning your SO
- Driver license, License plate #
- Social Security #

WHEN YOU LEAVE
1. Have a bag in the car with:
clothes, medications & toiletries, spare keys etc.
2. Close all joint bank accounts, credit cards etc immediately.
3. Make sure your mail is being re-routed to your new location.
4. Don't tell BPD you are leaving until you are on the way to the safe place. Use a pay phone on the way, preferably not at your destination city. Do not use the telephone at the safe place as this will show on Caller ID.

LATER
Stay away!
Let the answering machine do the talking for you.
Bring backup when you go to collect your things. Don't let yourself be alone with your SO. Police and/or Sheriff are willing go with you in nearly every city.

My Favorite Band of All Time/Saw Doctors

Bumps in the Road

Today I hit a bump in the road.  Feelings of revenge and spitefulness breezed by me and wanted to take up residence!  I am breathing through the wounded parts of me that invite these feelings, knowing that it is through acceptance that I will have the best journey.  I had to reach out to be reminded.

I am grateful for others who have been on my path and who are there to lend support with a reminder to be who I am, instead of the egoist who waits opportunistically.


                                                       Thanks DianeW

Fantasy and Planning in Abuse

I came across a revealing description of the cycle of abuse today. I have posted about this in the past, but this description contained something that I hadn't seen before, a FANTASY and PLANNING component.
I highlighted this in the text below so you can see how it works in the cycle.


The reason I find it so interesting is that is helps to explain the "blaming" that abusers are so good at. Behind the blaming is the fantasy that they must create to justify their behavior. This is also related to the "projecting" that they automatically employ to cover up their own bad feelings about themselves. It's a complex stew and one that only they can undo.

If you are a partner of an abuser I can only tell you to take the focus off him and put it on you. You sphere of influence is very limited and if you do not create your own authentic autonomous life, you will likely believe the lies they tell you and the demeaning way you are treated. Abusers are successful partly because as a defensive response to abuse, women isolate. The isolation is key to their tactic. Move beyond his reach and into the community of family and friends, interests and healthy activities, which will validate your worth and help to remind you of what is normal.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse 

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence: 

Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss." Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior. 

"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time. Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality. Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you. 

www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

What I Didn't Loose

I worked an exercise that asked me to list the things I lost in my relationship with my addicted partner and then to burn or otherwise "let go" of each one.  I used my shredder!  The interesting part of this was that when making my list I had to think about what really was lost.

At the top of my list was "partnership".  I lost the dream I had of living through the trials of a long life, in partnership, and being able to look back and say "we made it', together.  There were other things I lost like the sense of being supported and cared for.  I also lost a lot of sleep.

There were two things I put on the list which I later crossed out, Happiness and Spirituality.  Those things were not lost by my abuser's behavior.  Happiness and spirituality are mine to loose, and I did not.  I didn't loose my gratitude either although it was sometimes not easy to muster.

All in all I have gained by my decision to reclaim my autonomy and heal from the havoc.  In the process I "graduated" from trauma therapy.  It was very satisfying to know that I identified and adressed the traumatic wounds that led me there.  I know I can face my fears and get better.  I don't have to remain victimized by my experience.  Having said that I want to emphasize that I work continually to admit and then"let go" of my injuries, putting in perspective the damage done and the life of possibilities that was always waiting for me.

It's possible to heal.  Give yourself time and never give up.