The Rusty Feminist: November 2011

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Johnny Cash/ I Won't Back Down

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Miss Representation

This documentary was recommended to me by author and sexual health educator Wendy Maltz. It has not yet been screened in my area, but perhaps it is available to you. Check out the website.

www.missrepresentation.org

Monday, November 7, 2011

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Reviewing My Path, Charting Forward

I created this blog, The Rusty Feminist, to process my experience with an abusive and addicted partner. Included in these over one hundred posts are intimate details of my life and the unraveling of my emotions and my history. If you are questioning why I tolerated this for more than 30 years, I can understand. From the outside it appears practically insane to try and survive it. Unless you have lived it yourself.

Inside this kind of marriage are False Beliefs, Romantic Ideals and intermittent reconciliations in the Cycle of Abuse that confuse the smartest and most well meaning women. In my case I was often preoccupied by attending to my partner's projections and controlling behaviors as an archaic coping mechanism. There was no way to hasten my reflective understanding. My progress was blocked by so many events and outdated ways of thinking.

There are a whole lot of women like me, naive, industrious and dedicated to the vows we made. We minimize and tell ourselves whatever is necessary to avoid facing the inevitable abandonment. For me, I just knew I could solve this one, until I could not. There were abundant societal cues that encouraged me to stay put and tough it out. I put away my feminist beliefs and allowed negative self talk to crush my intuition.

It has taken a while but I am trying to use the tools of Detachment, Boundary Setting, Researching and Talking with my Tribe to fight the war against Denial, False Beliefs and Fear. I committed to therapy for Trauma, Healing and Self-Knowledge to fight Abuse Amnesia. I searched my soul for the grown up woman I am who would finally say "Enough!" In the end I am claiming the irreplaceable value of my own life, my independant thinking and a future of my own creation.

Even though I'm bushwhacking my way through a divorce, I'm pretty happy. I know that I can battle my way forward by remaining dedicated to the truth. The result is life enhancing. Every bit of courage was earned, every bit of confidence was tested. I'm looking forward, protecting what I learned and keeping a bright light shined on that truth.

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The Social Costs of Pornography

"Overall, the body of research on pornography reveals a number of negative attitudes and behaviors that are connected with its use. It functions as a teacher, a permission-giver, and a trigger of these negative behaviors and attitudes. The damage is seen in men, women and children, and to both married and single adults. It involves pathological behaviors, illegal behaviors, and some behaviors that are both illegal and pathological."

Mary Anne Layden , 2008, Statement of Findings and Recommendations: The Witherspoon Institute

Peter Pan

The Peter-Pan psychological type is one characterized by immaturity or certain sorts of psychological, social, and sexual problems. The type of personality in question, usually male, is immature and narcissistic. More completely, according to Kiley, the characteristics of a "Peter-Pan" include such attributes as irresponsibility, rebelliousness, pottering about, anger,narcissism, dependency, manipulativeness, and the belief that he is beyond society's laws and norms. According to Kiley, "Peter Pan" is the adult little boy who, when in a relationship or in seeking a relationship, acts out a need for mothering. It is useful to compare the Jungian archetype of Puer Aeternus, the eternal boy.

http://www.narcissismfree.com/contact.php

potter about (third-person singular pottered about)

(UK) To potter, to be gently active doing various things in an almost aimless manner.

Walker¹⁴⁵ has clarified the operation of intermittent reinforcement paradigms in such relationships, applying the animal model of punishment-indulgence patterns. In child abuse or spouse battering, this mechanism is accentuated by the extreme contrast of terror followed by submission and reconciliation. When such negative reinforcement occurs intermittently, the reinforced response consolidates the attachment between victim and victimizer. During the abuse, victims tend to dissociate emotionally with a sense of disbelief that the incident is really happening. This is followed by the typical post-traumatic response of numbing and constriction, resulting in inactivity, depression, self-blame, and feelings of helplessness. Walker¹⁴⁵ describes the process as follows: "tension gradually builds" (during phase one), an explosive battering incident occurs (during phase two), and a "calm, loving respite follows phase three). The violence allows intense emotional engagement and dramatic scenes of forgiveness, reconciliation, and physical contact that restores the fantasy of fusion and symbiosis.^87,140 Hence, there are two powerful sources of reinforcement: the "arousal-jag" or excitement before the violence and the peace of surrender afterwards, Both of these responses, placed at appropriate intervals, reinforce the traumatic bond between victim and abuser.^31,145To varying degrees, the memory of the battering incidents is state-dependent or dissociated, and thus only comes back in full force during renewed situations of terror. This interferes with good judgment about the relationship and allows longing for love and reconciliation to overcome realistic fears.

People need a "safe base" for normal social and biologic development. Traumatization occurs when both internal and external resources are inadequate to cope with external threat. Uncontrolable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people whe intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Assaults lead to hyperarousal states for which the memory can be state-dependent or dissociated, and this memory only returns fully during renewed terror. This interferes with good judgment about these relationships and allows longing for attachment to overcome realistic fears.

(excerpted from the link below)

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

A Lesson for Bullies

A teacher in New York was teaching her class about bullying and gave them the following exercise to perform: she had the children take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stomp on it and really mess it up but do not rip it. Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty it was. She then told them to tell it they’re sorry. Now even though they said they were sorry, and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all the scars they left behind. Those scars will never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix it. That is what happens when a child bullies another child--they may say they’re sorry but the scars are there forever. The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her the message hit home.

Author Unknown

Smart Sex

According to sociologist Virginia Rutter of Framingham State College, surveys show that educated couples engage in more variety in their sex lives... Educated husbands are also more likely to help with housework, which turns out to be a potent aphrodisiac. Psychologist John Gottman, professor emeritus at the University of Washington in Seattle, found that when men do more housework, their wives are more likely to be "in the mood" for sex...

Studies have shown that men whose attitudes become more egalitarian during their marriage report higher marital satisfaction, and so do their wives; they also have better sex lives and more socially aware children...

Pamela Paul

Pornography thus creates deception and distrust in relationships. Most women have no idea how often their boyfriends and husbands look at pornography because the men do not tell them. Usually, the deception is deliberate, though many men deny to themselves how often they look at it, and most simply don’t think about quantifying the amount they view. While men consider trust crucial for a healthy relationship, they seem willing to flout that trust when it comes to pornography—deceiving their significant others into thinking they’re either not looking at it at all or are looking at it less frequently. Fitting pornography into one’s life isn’t always easy.

www.socialcostsofpornography.org/Paul_How_Porn_Became_the_Norm.pdf

Benefits of Authentic Sexual Relating

If authentic sexual relating were to be embraced as a broader social goal, imagine the benefits to our communities. Our media might offer tangible images of authentic intimacy, rather than the current focus on exploitive sex. If the skills required for authentic relating were the norm, we would reduce the likelihood that sexual energy would get channeled in destructive, violent, abusive ways. Similarly, the increased honesty in communication and respect for the body would decrease the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. All of these are sex-positive benefits, rather than a lapse into the repression of a more puritanical era.

If sex is truly like water, it is both life-sustaining and a source of tremendous energy. As a society, we are willing to plan for the quality and uses of our water. If we allow sexual energy to go undirected, we are opening the floodgates to sexual abuse and harm. We can only benefit by channeling this natural energy to positive, life-affirming purposes.

http://www.healthysex.com/page/the-maltz-hierarchy-of-sexual-interaction

Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD

In a paper in Comprehensive Psychiatry, researchers explored whether NPD should even be considered a disorder since the people who have it, by definition, think so highly of themselves. The authors conclude it is a pathological condition but one that uniquely causes "pain and duress" not to the sufferers but to those closest to them. Psychologist Allan N. Schore, an associate clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA says NPD can be summed up as, "Contempt of other people and their emotions." People with NPD are convinced there is nothing wrong with them; it's everyone around them who is impossible or crazy. There's some truth to their perception because often the spouse and children of the narcissist have been driven mad by their cruelty, disparagement, rages, and vindictiveness.

http://www.slate.com/id/2213740/pagenum/all/

Amazing International Audience

My stats show that the Rusty Feminist has viwers in Canada, Germany, Netherlands, Japan, Russia, New Zealand,United Kindom France and Israel, I'm so glad you are here!

oh, How Could I forget.. Sri Lanka !

Welcome Macedonia and Singapore, Latvia, Sweeden,

Italy and Saudi Arabia. Greeetings to South Africa and Greece ! Dominica and South Korea too.

KENYA...wow Germany, it is never to late to join!

Latvia, Brazil and Argentina...! Welcome Australia and Phillipines...gosh I feel like I'm calling out the Miss Universe Pagent contestants!

Welcome Saudi Arabia and Bangladesh, abuse is all over this planet and we need one another to understand and heal. Thank you for visiting.

Denmark and Turkey have joined us.

I see the problems with pornography – but what can I do about it?

Here are just a few ideas:

Refuse to give in and accept the pornography industry and their portrayals of women, children and people of color
Speak out against the sexism and racism found in the images
Use blogs, books, poetry, websites, songs, social gatherings to bring awareness to the harm of pornography
Ask critical questions about porngraphy’s effects on women and men, girls and boys
Refuse to back down when pornography supporters call us prudes
Demand changed behavior from men
Strategize about possible uses of public policy to address the harms of pornography
Organize a community against “gentleman’s” clubs and bookstores
Protest businesses that support the proliferation of pornography

The Rusty Feminist