Inside this kind of marriage are False Beliefs, Romantic Ideals and intermittent reconciliations in the Cycle of Abuse that confuse the smartest and most well meaning women. In my case I was often preoccupied by attending to my partner's projections and controlling behaviors as an archaic coping mechanism. There was no way to hasten my reflective understanding. My progress was blocked by so many events and outdated ways of thinking.
There are a whole lot of women like me, naive, industrious and dedicated to the vows we made. We minimize and tell ourselves whatever is necessary to avoid facing the inevitable abandonment. For me, I just knew I could solve this one, until I could not. There were abundant societal cues that encouraged me to stay put and tough it out. I put away my feminist beliefs and allowed negative self talk to crush my intuition.
It has taken a while but I am trying to use the tools of Detachment, Boundary Setting, Researching and Talking with my Tribe to fight the war against Denial, False Beliefs and Fear. I committed to therapy for Trauma, Healing and Self-Knowledge to fight Abuse Amnesia. I searched my soul for the grown up woman I am who would finally say "Enough!" In the end I am claiming the irreplaceable value of my own life, my independant thinking and a future of my own creation.
Even though I'm bushwhacking my way through a divorce, I'm pretty happy. I know that I can battle my way forward by remaining dedicated to the truth. The result is life enhancing. Every bit of courage was earned, every bit of confidence was tested. I'm looking forward, protecting what I learned and keeping a bright light shined on that truth.
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