What I have come to understand is that there never was a chance to have a relationship of mutuality with my partner.. His behavior now and in the past has reinforced to me that I was never enough, that our children were never enough, to motivate him to be the grown up and loving man that we needed. It was never about us, it was about him. His needs, his opinions, his control, his self loathing and his addictions.
I know now that I brought to my marriage a greater than average fear of abandonment, which caused me to stay transfixed in an unhealthy partnership, because I lost my mother at a young age. I know now that I was attracted to my partner because my family of origin co-mingled pain and love and when I experienced that early in my marriage it felt familiar. I know now that my religious education taught me to be self less and to sacrifice and that because of my birth order I was trained to care for others, especially those who were needy and able to reflect my own brokenheartedness. I know now that I held tightly to the false belief that love would conquer all. With all this vulnerability it was as if I had no choice but to follow the path that I did.
Had it not been for the relentless confusion and loneliness in my marriage I may not have learned these things about me. This is after all what I always wanted, to know myself. Having this knowledge presents another challange and something else I've always wanted. That is to be true to myself and to be mindful as I go forward, not just to myself but to others.
I can't quite yet say I am fully grateful for the troubles in my marriage and I still imagine I could have been a good partner to a less troubled man. But that is not what I chose. So I am giving this old life into the hands of God, who knows better than me what I needed. Today I am breathing and crossing my hands over my chest, praying that I will be able to move forward with my whole heart.
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