The Rusty Feminist: December 2012

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Conversations

I found myself having conversations about honesty, about sharing the truth and just whom you can safely share it with. In some moments I distrust my own heart. My thoughts are conflicted. It seems I will forever be self judging. I may never get it right.

I want to reduce the amount of judgement I bring into my life. I judge others by claiming that they judge (me)? It's all too weird. Maybe that's why we all love little children so much. They are not yet conflicted. Their needs are pretty straight forward and they haven't succumb to double think, double talk. They are learning to manipulate, but mostly out of the need to survive.

My fear is that I manipulate to survive as well. But it is the survival of Ego, far from the realm of basic need. The survival of my self view ( that I am good ) is critical to me. What I say is designed in part to keep me on this "good " side. I want to just listen, be present, and stop using conversations to validate my "goodness".

There were a few conversations about "pausing", I tried to listen, but I'm pretty large. I want more humility and less judgement in my life. How am I ever going to learn this? Do you ever want to rewind? Tomorrow is a chance to try it over again and do better.

The Pain Stops

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person that you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cool.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it is like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops: when you are ready.

http://www.mjtacc.com/frameset.html?rgrieving.html~mainFrame

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Leave it to Bob Dylan

Erich Fromm, The Objects of Love

"Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one "object" of love. If a person only loves one other person and is indifferent to the rest of his fellow men, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism."

I have begun reading, or re-reading, Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving. I know I studied his writing in college but to read it again forty years later is another task altogether. With some luck we all will have a life long enough to find some understanding about subjects like..love. When picturing love most of us see a corny image of entwined lovers, that's what appeared when I googled it and that's what we are sold in our culture.

"In contrast to the symbiotic union, mature love is union under the condition of preserving one's integrity, one's individuality. Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men , which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."

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The Social Costs of Pornography

"Overall, the body of research on pornography reveals a number of negative attitudes and behaviors that are connected with its use. It functions as a teacher, a permission-giver, and a trigger of these negative behaviors and attitudes. The damage is seen in men, women and children, and to both married and single adults. It involves pathological behaviors, illegal behaviors, and some behaviors that are both illegal and pathological."

Mary Anne Layden , 2008, Statement of Findings and Recommendations: The Witherspoon Institute

Peter Pan

The Peter-Pan psychological type is one characterized by immaturity or certain sorts of psychological, social, and sexual problems. The type of personality in question, usually male, is immature and narcissistic. More completely, according to Kiley, the characteristics of a "Peter-Pan" include such attributes as irresponsibility, rebelliousness, pottering about, anger,narcissism, dependency, manipulativeness, and the belief that he is beyond society's laws and norms. According to Kiley, "Peter Pan" is the adult little boy who, when in a relationship or in seeking a relationship, acts out a need for mothering. It is useful to compare the Jungian archetype of Puer Aeternus, the eternal boy.

http://www.narcissismfree.com/contact.php

potter about (third-person singular pottered about)

(UK) To potter, to be gently active doing various things in an almost aimless manner.

Walker¹⁴⁵ has clarified the operation of intermittent reinforcement paradigms in such relationships, applying the animal model of punishment-indulgence patterns. In child abuse or spouse battering, this mechanism is accentuated by the extreme contrast of terror followed by submission and reconciliation. When such negative reinforcement occurs intermittently, the reinforced response consolidates the attachment between victim and victimizer. During the abuse, victims tend to dissociate emotionally with a sense of disbelief that the incident is really happening. This is followed by the typical post-traumatic response of numbing and constriction, resulting in inactivity, depression, self-blame, and feelings of helplessness. Walker¹⁴⁵ describes the process as follows: "tension gradually builds" (during phase one), an explosive battering incident occurs (during phase two), and a "calm, loving respite follows phase three). The violence allows intense emotional engagement and dramatic scenes of forgiveness, reconciliation, and physical contact that restores the fantasy of fusion and symbiosis.^87,140 Hence, there are two powerful sources of reinforcement: the "arousal-jag" or excitement before the violence and the peace of surrender afterwards, Both of these responses, placed at appropriate intervals, reinforce the traumatic bond between victim and abuser.^31,145To varying degrees, the memory of the battering incidents is state-dependent or dissociated, and thus only comes back in full force during renewed situations of terror. This interferes with good judgment about the relationship and allows longing for love and reconciliation to overcome realistic fears.

People need a "safe base" for normal social and biologic development. Traumatization occurs when both internal and external resources are inadequate to cope with external threat. Uncontrolable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people whe intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Assaults lead to hyperarousal states for which the memory can be state-dependent or dissociated, and this memory only returns fully during renewed terror. This interferes with good judgment about these relationships and allows longing for attachment to overcome realistic fears.

(excerpted from the link below)

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

A Lesson for Bullies

A teacher in New York was teaching her class about bullying and gave them the following exercise to perform: she had the children take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stomp on it and really mess it up but do not rip it. Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty it was. She then told them to tell it they’re sorry. Now even though they said they were sorry, and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all the scars they left behind. Those scars will never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix it. That is what happens when a child bullies another child--they may say they’re sorry but the scars are there forever. The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her the message hit home.

Author Unknown

Smart Sex

According to sociologist Virginia Rutter of Framingham State College, surveys show that educated couples engage in more variety in their sex lives... Educated husbands are also more likely to help with housework, which turns out to be a potent aphrodisiac. Psychologist John Gottman, professor emeritus at the University of Washington in Seattle, found that when men do more housework, their wives are more likely to be "in the mood" for sex...

Studies have shown that men whose attitudes become more egalitarian during their marriage report higher marital satisfaction, and so do their wives; they also have better sex lives and more socially aware children...

Pamela Paul

Pornography thus creates deception and distrust in relationships. Most women have no idea how often their boyfriends and husbands look at pornography because the men do not tell them. Usually, the deception is deliberate, though many men deny to themselves how often they look at it, and most simply don’t think about quantifying the amount they view. While men consider trust crucial for a healthy relationship, they seem willing to flout that trust when it comes to pornography—deceiving their significant others into thinking they’re either not looking at it at all or are looking at it less frequently. Fitting pornography into one’s life isn’t always easy.

www.socialcostsofpornography.org/Paul_How_Porn_Became_the_Norm.pdf

Benefits of Authentic Sexual Relating

If authentic sexual relating were to be embraced as a broader social goal, imagine the benefits to our communities. Our media might offer tangible images of authentic intimacy, rather than the current focus on exploitive sex. If the skills required for authentic relating were the norm, we would reduce the likelihood that sexual energy would get channeled in destructive, violent, abusive ways. Similarly, the increased honesty in communication and respect for the body would decrease the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. All of these are sex-positive benefits, rather than a lapse into the repression of a more puritanical era.

If sex is truly like water, it is both life-sustaining and a source of tremendous energy. As a society, we are willing to plan for the quality and uses of our water. If we allow sexual energy to go undirected, we are opening the floodgates to sexual abuse and harm. We can only benefit by channeling this natural energy to positive, life-affirming purposes.

http://www.healthysex.com/page/the-maltz-hierarchy-of-sexual-interaction

Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD

In a paper in Comprehensive Psychiatry, researchers explored whether NPD should even be considered a disorder since the people who have it, by definition, think so highly of themselves. The authors conclude it is a pathological condition but one that uniquely causes "pain and duress" not to the sufferers but to those closest to them. Psychologist Allan N. Schore, an associate clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA says NPD can be summed up as, "Contempt of other people and their emotions." People with NPD are convinced there is nothing wrong with them; it's everyone around them who is impossible or crazy. There's some truth to their perception because often the spouse and children of the narcissist have been driven mad by their cruelty, disparagement, rages, and vindictiveness.

http://www.slate.com/id/2213740/pagenum/all/

Amazing International Audience

My stats show that the Rusty Feminist has viwers in Canada, Germany, Netherlands, Japan, Russia, New Zealand,United Kindom France and Israel, I'm so glad you are here!

oh, How Could I forget.. Sri Lanka !

Welcome Macedonia and Singapore, Latvia, Sweeden,

Italy and Saudi Arabia. Greeetings to South Africa and Greece ! Dominica and South Korea too.

KENYA...wow Germany, it is never to late to join!

Latvia, Brazil and Argentina...! Welcome Australia and Phillipines...gosh I feel like I'm calling out the Miss Universe Pagent contestants!

Welcome Saudi Arabia and Bangladesh, abuse is all over this planet and we need one another to understand and heal. Thank you for visiting.

Denmark and Turkey have joined us.

I see the problems with pornography – but what can I do about it?

Here are just a few ideas:

Refuse to give in and accept the pornography industry and their portrayals of women, children and people of color
Speak out against the sexism and racism found in the images
Use blogs, books, poetry, websites, songs, social gatherings to bring awareness to the harm of pornography
Ask critical questions about porngraphy’s effects on women and men, girls and boys
Refuse to back down when pornography supporters call us prudes
Demand changed behavior from men
Strategize about possible uses of public policy to address the harms of pornography
Organize a community against “gentleman’s” clubs and bookstores
Protest businesses that support the proliferation of pornography

The Rusty Feminist