Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Conversations

I found myself having conversations about honesty, about sharing the truth and just whom you can safely share it with.  In some moments I distrust my own heart.  My thoughts are conflicted.  It seems I will forever be self judging.  I may never get it right.

 I want to reduce the amount of judgement I bring into my life.  I judge others by claiming that they judge (me)?  It's all too weird.  Maybe that's why we all love little children so much.  They are not yet conflicted.  Their needs are pretty straight forward and they haven't succumb to double think, double talk.  They are learning to manipulate, but mostly out of the need to survive.

My fear is that I manipulate to survive as well.  But it is the survival of Ego, far from the realm of basic need.  The survival of my self view ( that I am good ) is critical to me.  What I say is designed in part to keep me on this "good " side.  I want to just listen, be present, and stop using conversations to validate my "goodness".

There were a few conversations about "pausing", I tried to listen, but I'm pretty large.  I want more humility and less judgement in my life.  How am I ever going to learn this?  Do you ever want to rewind?  Tomorrow is a chance to try it over again and do better.


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