I worked an exercise that asked me to list the things I lost in my relationship with my addicted partner and then to burn or otherwise "let go" of each one. I used my shredder! The interesting part of this was that when making my list I had to think about what really was lost.
At the top of my list was "partnership". I lost the dream I had of living through the trials of a long life, in partnership, and being able to look back and say "we made it', together. There were other things I lost like the sense of being supported and cared for. I also lost a lot of sleep.
There were two things I put on the list which I later crossed out, Happiness and Spirituality. Those things were not lost by my abuser's behavior. Happiness and spirituality are mine to loose, and I did not. I didn't loose my gratitude either although it was sometimes not easy to muster.
All in all I have gained by my decision to reclaim my autonomy and heal from the havoc. In the process I "graduated" from trauma therapy. It was very satisfying to know that I identified and adressed the traumatic wounds that led me there. I know I can face my fears and get better. I don't have to remain victimized by my experience. Having said that I want to emphasize that I work continually to admit and then"let go" of my injuries, putting in perspective the damage done and the life of possibilities that was always waiting for me.
It's possible to heal. Give yourself time and never give up.
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