The Narcissist at Midlife: Decompensation

The following excerpt is from the very informative site,  Web Of Narcissism.  Written by the site's founder, it is a revealing account of the collision of mid life and narcissism.  I was reminded so much of my partner  and his self importance which grew more intractable as he aged.  The notion of ending a marriage after 33 years is worth an explanation.  For me, I came to terms in the last 6 or more years that my husband's character would forever remain juvenile.  He was more than stubborn about maturing, he made a lifelong commitment to never doing it!  I think this essay will help you to understand why it was not possible to "save" my marriage and how his decompensation made it impossible to proceed toward a peaceful loving last third of life.

The Narc at Midlife: Decompensationby CZBZ
What does decompensation mean?
“Worsening psychiatric condition: the deterioration of existing psychological defenses in a patient already exhibiting pathological behavior.”  

Decompensation is a removal of the props (ego defenses) sustaining an inflated self-esteem that was unable to 'compensate' for an injury of some kind. In other words, decompensation occurs when the narcissist’s grandiosity is not validated by reality; their self image is impossible to sustain. At midlife, with all the struggles human beings have, narcissists have feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy, desperation, and confusion. Feelings they cannot tolerate, nor process.  

Midlife taxes narcissistic defenses, challenging aging individuals to mature. People with 'undeveloped narcissistic traits' will suffer, perhaps even  experience a crisis. That doesn't mean they can't grow and develop. Heinz Kohut suggests maturation is a lifelong process developing immature aspects of ourselves. That's the current thinking about a 'normal' person's midlife transition. 

 The midlife narcissist is someone who cannot swallow his pride and as a result, vomits on the person closest to him or her. That would be the partner who for years, supported them through thick-and-thin, becoming increasingly weary of the narcissist’s incessant demands. It’s not that we lack empathy or become indifferent (though some do, it depends on the relationship), we are tired. Maybe there's a furrowed brow setting off the narcissist's crisis---maybe our individuation triggers their fears of abandonment or their envy. I don't know. What I do know is that partners are splattered with traits and behaviors the narcissist cannot claim as his or her own. 

I started writing about narcissism on the Midlilfe Crisis forum back in 2003, after learning about a disorder called NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I had hoped my partner would work through his problems losing control, losing status, becoming another ordinary cog in the wheel of life; that he would eventually realize that escaping reality was less enjoyable than embracing it. That he would wake up one morning with a strange woman in his bed and recognize how much he loved and valued his family. That even if his wife was too weird for words, his children needed him. This did not happen. If the midlife narcissist has not shown signs of taking responsibility for behavior that hurts the people who loved and supported him for years, he likely won’t. He’s likely unable to face the destruction he caused, if he even realizes it (or is capable of bearing the truth long enough to see that HE is his biggest problem. Not the role he played in the family, nor the prickly personalities of family members).
It is never easy to tolerate the Walk of Shame when a person makes a mess of their lives. It’s painful processing ‘humiliation’ into ‘humility’ no matter where you are on the narcissistic continuum. If your unstable self-esteem is threatened by your mistakes and errors,  self-deception may appear to be an easier way out. Instead of falling into supine reflection on human weakness, narcissists become  grandiose, other-blaming and arrogant. 

The ability to face disappointment and accept other people's willingness to forgive your mistakes is not something narcissists are capable of doing. Anytime we are forgiven by others, we surrender our power to BE FORGIVEN by  another person holding the power To Forgive. They will or they won't---their forgiveness is not in our control. This is an untenable situation for a narcissist who must maintain the perception of superiority, especially if he or she sees other people as inferiors. Imagine a peon forgiving The King? Instead of appreciating someone's willingness to even consider forgiveness (which may be a long term process), the narcissist projects fault and blame others and thus, exculpating himself from guilt and remorse. What's to forgive? His malicious wife intentionally bought the wrong type of lettuce for gawd's sake what else can a man do but seek comfort from the Ms. Radicchio? 

The midlife crisis with all the accompanying destruction people do to their lives when the Inner Child (or Inner Adolescent) is given free reign to act impulsively, selfishly and without consideration for others, is very hard to resolve. Depending on the degree of narcissism, the person-having-a-midlife-crisis may NOT be able to face themselves after losing ‘face’ in their community. 

It takes a strong foundation of self and self-worth to admit to having harmed people you cared about because you were behaving like an petulant child. Still, people are able to reconcile wounded relationships--both parties willing. My assumption was that everyone would do whatever they must to clean up the messes they made at midlife when our human limitations stick out like sore thumbs and mortality becomes a certainty. I was wrong.