TonyaTKO on Self Love and Boundary Setting

I don't even know how I found this, but I did.  It's long, I know, but worth it.  Could this woman be more empowered?  I don't think so. She is the living embodiment of BOUNDARY SETTING. TKO, you are the bomb!

Setting a Boundary, What's That?

Boundaries - Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

Healthy boundaries help us to create our own destiny. They ensure that we are taking responsibility for our own lives; that we knowingly accept the consequences and/or reap the benefits of our choices. And, just as importantly, they ensure that we let others do the same for themselves.

According to the book Boundaries and Relationshipsby Charles Whitfield, M.D., healthy boundaries are NOT:

1. Set for us by others
2. Hurtful or harmful
3. Controlling or manipulative
4. Invasive or dominating
5. Rigid and immovable

Healthy boundaries ARE:

1. present
2. appropriate
3. clear
4. firm
5. protective
6. flexible
7. receptive.
8. determined by US

How to Develop Boundaries

An important first step in developing healthy boundaries is to get acquainted with, and take ownership, of your true self.  This is essential before healthy boundaries can be set and maintained.  As adults, we are responsible for the decisions we make in life.  We have freedom to respond, to make choices, and to limit the way others' behavior affects us.  As a "free agent",  we can take responsibility for our freedom by setting boundaries, or borders, between ourselves and those around us.    Some people refuse to set boundaries because they see them as selfish.  Others actually use them to be selfish.  Both are wrong. Boundaries are about self-control.

According to the authors, John Townsend and Henry Cloud, there are ten laws of boundaries:

• The Law Of Sowing and Reaping - Actions have consequences.     If someone in your life is sowing anger, selfishness, and abuse at you, are you setting boundaries against it?  Or are they getting away with not reaping (or paying the consequences for) what he/she sowed?
  
• The Law of Responsibility - We are responsible TO each other, not FOR each other.   This law means that each person refuses to rescue or enable another's immature behavior.
  
• The Law of Power - We have power over some things, we don't have power over others (including changing people).  It is human nature to try to change and fix others so that we can be more comfortable.  We can't change or fix anyone - but we do have the power to change our own life.
  
• The Law of Respect - If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.  If someone in your life is a rager, you should not dictate to him/her all the reasons that they can't be angry.  A person should have the freedom to to protest the things they don't like. But at the same time, we can honor our own boundary by telling them, "Your raging at me is not acceptable to me.  If you continue to rage, I will have to remove myself from you."
  
• The Law of Motivation - We must be free to say "no" before we can wholeheartedly say "yes".One can not actually love another if he feels he doesn't have a choice not to. Pay attention to your motives.
  
• The Law of Evaluation - We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.  Do our boundaries cause pain that leads to injury?  Or do they cause pain that leads to growth?
  
• The Law of Proactivity - We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants, and needs.   Proactive people keep their freedom and they disagree and confront issues but are able to do so without getting caught up in an emotional storm.  This law has to do with taking action based on deliberate, thought-out values versus emotional reactions.
  
• The Law of Envy - We will never get what we want if we focus our boundaries onto what others have.    Envy is miserable because we're dissatisfied with our state yet powerless to change it.  The envious person doesn't set limits because he is not looking at himself long enough to figure out what choices he has.
  
• The Law of Activity - We need to take the initiative to solve our problems rather than being passive. In a dysfunctional relationship, sometimes one person is active and the other is passive.  When this occurs, the active person will dominate the passive one.  The passive person may be too intimidated by the active one to say no.  This law has to do with taking initiative rather than being passive and waiting for someone else to make the first move.
  
• The Law of Exposure - We need to communicate our boundaries.   A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working. We need to make clear what we do or do not want, and what we will or will not tolerate.  We need to also make clear that every boundary violation has a consequence.  A boundary without a consequence is nagging.

(excerpted from www.outofthefog.net)

For a radically empowered example of Boundary Setting check out "TonyaTKO" on the following post.

Be a Witness

Women living with Verbal, Emotional or Physical Abuse are most often living in isolation and denial about their circumstance.  At a fundamental level they know something is wrong but it becomes confusing and hard to identify when it is their partner, whom they love, that is perpetrating the abuse. An abuser doesn't start out name calling, diminishing, mocking, controlling or ignoring his partner or they couldn't attract her.  The cycle of abuse forms over time and because abuse is always followed by periods of non abuse the woman believes that she is loved and that the abuse was temporary.  The longer these cycles continue the more she needs a Witness. Long term abuse causes the abused woman to develop Abuse Amnesia as a protective coping mechanism. Needing a Witness is critical for children as well who are abused or who experience it done to others.

So, how can you be a Witness?  The best way to be a Witness is to wait until the abusive incident is passed and the abuser is elsewhere.  Take a private moment to tell the abused woman or child that what happened was Wrong and that they didn't cause it to happen.  Validate their feelings by letting them know that you experienced the event and that what happen was real. To a child you might also say that the abuser's heart must be hurting for them to say and do such mean things.

I had a Witness at a critical time. ( Thank you D.W.) It gave me a touchstone to know that I was not crazy, that it really happened and seen through another's eyes I could see that I didn't cause it.  Abusers seldom abuse in public so if you are a Witness you have a rare opportunity to help someone gain dignity and self respect.  If someone tells you that they think they are being abused, they probably are.

Can I get a Witness by Dusty Springfield

A Woman's Manifesto

Stop being nice.	Start being truthful.
Stop looking for approval.	Start commanding respect.
Stop using seduction.	Start having integrity.
Stop pleading.	Start confronting.
Stop believing we have no power.	Start using the power we have.
Stop feeling weak.	Start thinking strong.
Stop wishing.	Start doing.
Stop relying on men to make it happen.	Start making it happen for ourselves.
Stop distrusting women.	Start joining them.
Stop preferring men.	Start valuing women.
Stop imitating or fearing masculinity.	Start empowering femininity.
Stop whining.	Start demanding.
Stop fearing the price.	Start paying it.
Stop reacting.	Start acting.
Stop hiding behind silence.	Start speaking out.
Stop ignoring.	Start attending.
Stop tolerating.	Start refusing.
Stop looking at or to others.	Start looking at or to ourselves.
Stop pretending.	Start contending.
Stop conforming.	Start reforming.

www.mtoomey.com


This site is jam packed with great thinking and writing.  Take a look and see if you can find empowerment in her words.

Talking to my friend R. last night I was reminded that so much of our success is due to education.  Like Oprah often quotes "when you know better you do better".  Education and a witness to your reality can be a critical turning point.  This is true for all of us, men, women and especially children.

If you know a woman or girl who could use some support, send her the link to my blog and I'll keep looking for and posting, for her.  Let's get educated!

I'm Gonna Be an Engineer, Peggy Seeger

I first heard this song in 1974.  It was the first feminist song I'd ever hear.  At that time I knew all the words and played it in my studio when I painted.  Time to play it again, Peggy!  Written by Peggy Seeger in 1970.

It's all about BALANCE: Anima/Animus

The anima and animus are two terms use by psychologist Carl Jung to describe the feminine and masculine halves of the personality. He thought that all people had either a feminine (anima) or masculine (animus) side. The goal of the person, in reaching individuation and having a whole personality is to integrate the side opposite to their gender. Therefore men have an anima, feminine side, and women have an animus, masculine side.

Jung’s theories included the idea that the anima and animus primarily resided in the unconscious, but failure to recognize or incorporate them into the personality might mean a backlash from the unconscious. In other words, a man who refuses to recognize his anima may end up being anima-driven, and act with the worst aspects of the anima. Alternately, he may deliberately assert the negative aspects of his masculine self to attempt to control his anima from emerging.


The ability to emotionally relate to others, the creative force, and hence the artistic force are anima characteristics. A man who is creative, a great listener, and has successful relationships is likely in touch with his anima.

When considering the anima and animus for women, accessing the masculine side, or animus, gives women the ability to use reason, think along logical terms, and assert physical strength and intellect, among many masculine traits. The idea of being brave, and being strong are more commonly thought of as masculine attributes. Jung would probably conclude that the modern day single mom really needs her animus in order to successfully parent her children, since she must be both mom and dad to her kids.

Jung, and later Joseph Campbell, also used the psychological terms anima and animus to discuss the hero’s journey in myth and literature. In the male hero’s journey, there is always confrontation with a very frightening female character or beast. This is meant to represent the anima ignored.

The anima must be appeased or conquered and strength must be taken from that side of the hero in order for the journey to be successful. Until the hero is able to recognize the parts of himself that are feminine, he cannot progress further and will be in constant conflict with the anima. The same is true of the heroine’s journey and integration of animus, although exploration of the heroine is less applied in Jung and Campbell’s work.

When the person or the fictional hero accepts anima and animus he or she is reaching wholeness or individuation. To Jung it was rejection of anima and animus that led many people to significant psychological problems. When anima and animus were recognized, used and appreciated, the person stepped forward toward psychological wellness.


(excerpted from wisegeek.com                                                    

                                         

This balance is something I've been paying attention to in my analysis.  I hope it will give you some insight. 

When the Going Gets Tough

MisconceptionsHusbands and wives were partners on the harsh frontier.Many believe that Colonial American women had no legal or personal rights. However, some Colonial women enjoyed more legal and personal freedom based on location and necessity.Some frontier women owned property in their own names and acted as lawyers in courts. In many small communities, Colonial women worked as teachers, seamstresses, doctors, ministers, innkeepers, singers and writers. Colonial women also engaged in farming, construction and trade.Significance
The early beginnings of American feminism began in Colonial America. The lack of established social and religious institutions and the physical demands of the Colonial lifestyle allowed women the freedom to fill roles normally reserved for men. Some notable Colonial American women include Anne Dudley Bradstreet, the first published female American poet, and Anne Marbury Hutchinson, who fought for freedom of religion. 

Read more: About Colonial Women's Rights | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_4571155_colonial-womens-rights.html#ixzz1TNFs6BH4

This inclusion of women into the man's realm in harsh circumstances is a dubious motivation for gaining some access to equal rights and freedoms. Both my grandmothers worked alongside their husbands, one in an agricultural setting and the other as a shopkeeper in the early part of the 20th century.  I  knew them both to be women equally skilled in labor and homemaking, living rural and small town lives.  But did their equal duties inside and outside the home give them equality?  I know that my maternal grandmother was physically abused by my grandfather, tho they remained married to his death. The above referenced text continues to state that early settlers from England came from a culture where women were the property of their husbands, legally defined as chattel.

What I am really interested in is what distance must women travel to transform from being regarded as chattel to truly being equal, specifically how many generations is enough generations.  Like evolution I suspect the change is slower than we might suspect as each successive generation of men must concede a layer entitlement and replace it with respect, in harsh times and not so harsh times. Women are repeatedly called upon to demand this. In this process are many not so proud moments like that of Clarence Thomas' inclusion as a justice in the Supreme Court despite the testimony of Anita Hill.


Demand Respect NOW

Anita Hill Testimony

I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono ..by Dar Williams

Bev, Thanks for turning me onto Dar Williams

Feminism, what's that?

It appears that we are now in what popular culture defines as Third Wave Feminism.  The First Wave began in the late 1800's the Second Wave begins post WW2 and this current wave is post 1980.

 Why does the word Feminism have bad associations?

I was very fortunate to have the experience of a single sex high school from 1968-1971.  It was a lucky co-incidence of the cultural revolution experienced in an invironment where girls ruled and they were not the back stabbing gossiping mean girls that are identified today. Maybe it was more of a miracle than luck as it gave me an opportunity to be part of a sisterhood.  Not all girls have this experience to share empathy with one another at a critical time. If we all stood up for one another, well that would be pretty much half the planet and that would be too awkward to ignore. How much does our own devisivness contribute to the bad associations to this word? Perhaps the disparate roles we choose from undervalue women as a whole and create exclusive heirarchy, squelching the inclusivness I experienced before our fates were cast.  Where is my empathy for pole dancers?

The Myth of Forever and Romantic Illusion

Forever After is one of the original romantic illusions. As a young girl in the 60's I dreampt of my one true love who would steadfastly be at my side providing a shoulder
to cry on and slaying dragons.  This other and my dream of  attachment to him, was an important part of my exit plan from my family of origin.  Though I was a caregiver to several younger siblings, diapering and lugging them around, in my fantasy there was none of this, only my one true love's embrace. Later, as an adolecent, I longed for a oneness that is the subject of poetry and music.

Reality as it turns out is quite different. Sadly, by the time many of us understand reality we are emeshed in realtionships chosen from the perspective of our younger selves.

  An important characteristic of genuine love is that the distinction between oneself and the other is always maintained and preserved. Only when the couple learns that at true acceptance of their own and each other’s individuality and separateness is the only foundation upon which a mature marriage can be based, real love can grow. The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity. Moreover, the genuine lover always respects and even encourages this separateness and the unique individuality of the beloved. Failure to perceive and respect this separateness is extremely common, however, and the cause of much mental illness and unnecessary suffering
(excerpted from maturityfoundation.blogspot.com Dr.Alexander George)

  

This Could Never Happen to Me

Ask anyone who knew me as an adolescent or young adult and you'd likely hear them describe someone who was strong willed, expressive and competent. Most people who have encountered me think the same thing today.  It's true and it's not true. In the day to day balance of gender roles in my marriage I succumbed to deeper fears and to the destructive confines of domestic tradition that I was mimicing for what I thought was the good of the whole, the family.


Where did I learn this, where do women learn to relinquish their selves? Why do some of us remain until  the bitter end.  I can tell you that it doesn't feel courageous to remain, it is defeating and damaging.  This was not the vision I had for myself as a child, I thought this could never happen to me.

"People who care about others do not leave important relationships easily. They tend to hang on to them long past the time when they should have moved on to something healthier. If you have truly done everything that you could do to stay in the relationship but nothing changed and you continue to be unhappy, then you might decide to a healthier life. Learning  about yourself, so that you can succeed in an intimate relationship, is a challenging task. Look long and hard at your romantic illusions."  (excerpted from www.Dailystrength.org)

Did I have Romantic Illusions?       Did You?        What Are They?

Welcome to the Rusty Feminist

My name is Mary Sophia, my mother's name was Sophia Mary tho I never really met her.  She died just about when I turned three years old.  Her mother's name was Mary.  I was born in 1953.


I came of age in the 70's and had sex for the first time when I was 18 years old.  I thought I was modern, a woman of a new generation, empowered and with all the options that this new age of freedom and birth control provided.  What I did not know is how easily I would fall into the grip of convention and eventually surrender my Self to an unhealthy partnership.  Looking back I can see how rigorous a challenge it is for all women to claim their stake in the historical progress of equal rights wherever they landed in the historical continuum.


This blog is an expression of how slowly things really change and how difficult change is.   In the process of understanding the death of my marriage of 33 years I have looked under every rock and attempted to unravel the confusion of my mind. I have been tyring to understand my belief systems, my motivations and my responses for many years. Along the road I had made discoveries and had lots of set backs, like you. 


I blog about Verbal and Emotional Abuse and what lies beneath these behaviors.  When I find reliable or scholarly information about Addictions and social issues like Pornography I post what I think are the most important links and authors on the subject. Here you'll find my story and the tools I've used in my struggle, like Detachment and EMDR.  To understand my life I have learned about Narcissism and the concepts of Jungian Analysis.  All of this I see in the context of Feminism and my own experience. Finally I blog about healing and moving toward my Authentic Self.


Perhaps you are a Rusty Feminist or maybe you know a woman who has lost a part of her Self along the way.  This blog is dedicated to you.  It is my wish that you will find a bit of understanding and hope here on this blog.  I'm so glad you found me.