Thank You Judy Collins

After Shocks and Saving Grace

There are after shocks.  Small tremors that disrupt the everyday calm and are sad reminders of loss.  For myself it's mainly the loss of an intact family and the dream of a loving partner.  Women who have left abusive partnerships are left..with lots to sort through going forward. Not so much everyday but every now and then a tremor of realization.  It feels like throwing another shovel full on the grave.

This blog is my attempt at processing with the hope of helping.  Women like me are heavily invested in 'family'.  The abuser counts on that.  Most of us stick it out far too long and give many "second chances".  In my conversations with women who have left or are trying to leave I see so many repeated themes.  I'm certain that we are statistically alike. So our recovery takes a similar path. It's a mine field of after shocks as the result of trauma.  Falling down, getting up and doing better. We rely on and seek out the soft shoulders of friends and family and we examine our hearts in the solitude of our days and nights

Likewise, abusers are statistically predictable.  Most have ego issues (narcissism) that demand they  re-create relationships very quickly as their identities virtually hang on the narcissistic feed of a partner. This quick re-insertion into a relationship insures that there will be not one moment to risk falling into consciousness and their hell self hatred and shame for past behaviors.  Self reflection in their case is akin to suicide.  In complete opposition, self reflection by partners of abusers is our light of saving grace.

An honest video with insight

I have seen a few of this woman's videos and I'm struck by her honest look at the verbal abuse in her marriage.  If you are wondering about your own marriage this video might strike a chord.  She's unrehearsed and truly looking to understand. There is nothing like an honest testimony.

At the end of my long marriage of 33 years, I found and read books by the same author that this woman discovered, Patricia Evans.  One day I googled "husband gives cold shoulder", as it was the only way I could think to describe my experience, and Patricia's books appeared at the top of the page.   I was on the receiving end of Withholding for many years.  Withholding sex and withholding acknowledgement as a means to attempt to control me.  Many times my partner left the house or arrived back home without so much as a simple "hello".  Naturally in public settings he would charm others with his praise of me.  He made a calculated choice to bully (abuse) me in private or sometimes in public in front of strangers, like in an airport.  I'm certain that if you asked him he would accuse me of this behavior.  That's called Projection.

I was, of course, criticized and ridiculed for reading these books and for searching out therapies and workshops to help me (and us).  Abusers (bullies) rely heavily on control techniques with names like Deflection, Projection, Blame, and Withholding.  They count on their partners to stay in Denial and to be Confused.

There is nothing like an honest testimony to open the floodgates of understanding.   There is  language to describe verbal and emotional abuse.  Patricia Evans' books do a good job of giving partners of abusers the language necessarily to understand that their marriages are NOT normal.

How to read this blog, and a few other thoughts.

This blog was written sequentially over the last two years but it posts with the most recent entry first.  It occurred to me that although I'm grateful for you to dive in at any point, it's a good reminder to say that the earlier posts here will show the progress of my thinking (discovery) and of the research I've done.

Since my divorce was final six months or so ago I have posted less often.  I've been floating about and trying out life on my own. One thing that I have noticed is my awareness of my "critical voice".  You know the expression "if you lie down with dogs you come up with fleas"?  That's what I think of when I hear my critical voice.  Living with an abusive and critical partner of many years I now struggle to understand that voice that judges others and judges mySELF as well.

For now I'm glad to have the awareness even though I'm working on the details of whose voice it is, mine or his.  My hope is that I reduce that voice to a very low rumble that is barely heard above the empathetic vibration of my life.  I am triggered every so often also by events that remind me of my earlier self, the one who spent so much time enmeshed and preoccupied with the mind of her abuser. (which by the way leads to the perpetuation of abuse!)  I hope to identify them  earlier and cause less chaos in my interactions with others.

 I have started reading Embracing Our Selves, by Hal Stone and Sidra Stone.  Perhaps I will gain some insight there that I can share with you.

One Billion Rising

Happy Valentines Day

Better than Flowers or chocolate or Gems is the reality that the oppression of women through violence and abuse is getting the attention it deserves in our time.