Defending My Honor

 Tonight I have decided to defend myself.

This week I found a journal from 5 years ago in which I had written notes from Patricia Evan's books on Verbal Abuse.  She writes about the ways in which women can stand up for themselves when they are verbally abused.

My notes were as follows:

Withholding: The purposeful silent treatment, when this happens leave the room stating "I am very bored with your company".

Countering: Verbal Abusers refute what they misconstrue you to have said, say in response "STOP!", "Look at my lips", then repeat the original statement.  Or, calmly and emphatically say "So you say". then leave the room.

Discounting: Verbal Abusers give the message that your feelings and experiences are wrong.  Don't ask why he said that, instead say "Stop that kind of talk right now".  Respond with outrage or say "You don't know what you are talking about!".

Accusation and Blame: Verbal Abusers blame and accuse the people the abuse. Reply by saying "Don't talk to me like that!" Do Not Explain, say "I think you know better than that!"

Judging and Criticism: Verbal Abusers lie about ones personal qualities and performance, they are meant to be blows to the self esteem.  Respond by saying "I don't accept that!" or " Do you hear yourself, cut out the criticism!".

Threatening: When threatened by a Verbal Abuser say "Stop threatening me". or "Don't bother me with those threats".

You probably can't imagine saying things like this to your partner, unless like me you have married an abuser and you are exhausted from the slings and arrows of his behavior.  In the 5 years since I first became aware of what my life had become I did try to say these things in response.  More often than not  his verbal abuse escalated. A few times he was stunned and walked away, but he always returned in the morning with another more seductive approach to get what he wanted. Like every other effort I made with the assistance of professionals and books on the subject, the results were very short lived.

Today I am in the final chapter of my marriage, divorce.  The abuse now continues through the proxy of his attorney whose dour face and indignant glances reflect his desires.  I am standing firm for the truth of my experience and defending myself in the face of what I could not do alone.