Phil Zimbardo/ The Demise of Guys

What is Psychopathy?

What is psychopathy? 

Psychopathy is a personality disorder signified by a pattern of lying, exploitiveness, heedlessness, arrogance, sexual promiscuity, low self-control, and lack of empathy and remorse. Those who are affected may appear normal thus increasing their ability to effectively prey on others. 

People severely affected with psychopathy have a false belief in their own superiority, a sense of entitlement and a complete disregard for social norms. They therefore leave a long trail of victims and survivors over the course of living their lives. Their victims include strangers, friends, lovers, co-workers and family members. 

Unable to love, feel remorse or show any trace of guilt, they survive by charming, conning and manipulating others. Because they are impulsive and do things that hurt other people, psychopathic individuals are also called "antisocial" by mental health professionals. 

What causes psychopathy?Genes play a significant role in the cause of psychopathy. However socialization and other environmental factors interact with genetics, so genes are probably not the only determinant. 

Psychopathy is very costly to society. The disorder is responsible for much human suffering. The disordered person, his/her family and nearly everyone he/she contacts is affected. 

http://www.aftermath-surviving-psychopathy.org/

I post research often on the subject of Personality Disorders.  I'm not a scholar, I'm not qualified to diagnose and I have NO educational training in this field.  But, I lived in a chaotic marriage that had me confused for several decades.  I am compelled to try and understand what happened.  That is why I post.


It is my true desire that this blog and it's collection of research and personal accounts will help someone along their journey to understanding.  The above quoted text is from a website with substantial credentials, I hope you will visit it if you are interested in psychopathy.


Psychology itself cannot agree on everything and the field is quite young but we must start somewhere and use common sense and diligence to not only understand others but to understand ourselves.

What I Want Going Forward

                   

                   More opportunity to be giving and empathetic

                              The continued ability to create

                Symbiosis in daily affairs and the awareness to honor it

                                      Spiritual growth

                             Deepening love for my family

                              Wisdom to find balance

                   To be a safe harbor and find a safe harbor

This makes me want to cry

An Ugly Topic: Pornography as a Fuel for Abuse – by Jeff Crippen
JEFF CRIPPEN ♦ APRIL 13, 2012 ♦ 2 COMMENTS

Sam Johnson [name changed], 41, a coach and educational assistant at Community High School, was arrested Thursday on sex abuse charges.  He is charged with four counts of third-degree rape and three counts of third-degree sodomy that allegedly occurred with a girl 14 or 15 years old.  The girl is a student.

We read these reports virtually every single day in our newspapers, right?  Teachers, pastors, police officers, and on and on.  This particular story is in today’s newspaper in my area and it involves sexual abuse of a child.   But just about every domestic violence abuse victim I know says that their abuse also included sexual abuse.  And guess what else they will tell you?  Over and over I hear it.  The guy was into pornography.

It has not been fashionable in our culture and political climate for a long time now to call for, get ready for a dirty word - censoring.  We insist upon freedom of speech and that has come to mean just about anything goes.  As a bit of an aside, back in about 1970 or so when I first began in police work, we could actually arrest someone for giving an obscene hand gesture in public.  And we could arrest someone for disorderly conduct for using various four-letter words in public.  But then, those were the old days when we were much more “primitive.”  Over time, all of those statutes fell.

It should not take much common sense (now we should probably call it UN-common sense) to realize that if people, especially men, ingest into their minds a diet of graphic pornos, complete with all of its perversions and abuses of women – and now, of children – something really bad is probably going to happen.  Such a man will begin to want the same things from his wife.  And in this regard, I have learned something else.  Men who are abusive and who become sexually abusive (often as a result of porn), also often become impotent apart from receiving more and more bizarre, abusive stimulation.  I told you this is an ugly topic, but guess what.  Probably most of our readers are right now saying, “that’s right.  That is exactly what happens!”

Pornography must not be tolerated in a marriage.  To the degree that a wife can do so safely, she needs to draw some very firm boundaries here.  And those boundaries can even be “If you persist in this, I am going to leave you and ultimately divorce you.”  After all, what is pornography if not adultery?  Stern measures will be required.  This one only comes out “by prayer and fasting” – i.e., cutting  off the right arm stuff —  (no! no! not that!  Yes!)… the internet service and the television cable.  ”But how will we live!  What shall we do!”   Cell phones with internet will need to go.  High accountability will need to be established.  An abuse victim will soon see if her abuser is really serious about change or not.  His marriage, or porn.  Time to make the choice.

Because it won’t get better.  Garbage in, worse garbage out.  Count on it.

What is abuse?

Very few people know what abuse really is, though everyone seems quite ready to give advice to its victims. If you believe that abuse is physical battering, you have some learning to do.

Abuse is fundamentally a mentality. It is a mindset of entitlement. The abuser sees himself as entitled. He is the center of the world, and he demands that his victim make him the center of her world. His goal is power and control over others. For him, power and control are his natural right, and he feels quite justified in using whatever means are necessary to obtain that power and control. The abuser is not hampered in these efforts by the pangs of a healthy conscience and indeed often lacks a conscience.

While this mentality of power and control often expresses itself in various forms of physical abuse, it just as frequently employs tactics of verbal, emotional, financial, social, sexual and spiritual abuse. Thus, an abuser may never actually lay a hand on his wife and yet be very actively terrorizing her in incredibly damaging ways.

Abuse in any of its forms destroys the victim's person. Abuse, in the end, is murder.

http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/

How to Abandon a Narcissist and Move On

Sam Vankin, author of the Maglignant Narcissist

Ressurecting Life Within/ Sandra

Spring is a time that is synonymous with growth, newness, warmth, and life.  In the Christian tradition, it is the time when the Resurrection is celebrated during Easter, and in other religious and non-religious traditions, this season also carries significance.  Spring conjures up all kinds of beautiful images and visions.  It is a perfect time to resurrect life within.
The term “resurrection” is commonly thought to mean, “rising from the dead,” but another way of defining this term is, “the act of bringing back to practice, notice, or use; revival.”  What a poignant way of looking at the term – bringing back; revival – and what an auspicious time to revive yourself and live life, then in the spring. 

So much “life” is stolen when in relationship with a pathological individual.  Those with Cluster B Personality Disorders are “takers” – giving is rarely an option with these individuals unless it is somehow for their benefit.  Life – in the forms of self-esteem, time, effort, concern, empathy, money, health, and so much more – is taken when in a pathological relationship.  The pathological has few if any boundaries, so they do not know, nor do they care if they are infringing on your internal and external resources.  They take, because they have nothing really worthwhile to give in terms of relational qualities.  Even if they show ways of emoting, they are often fleeting, vague and unfulfilling in terms of a love relationship. So as a result of their taking, one is often left bone dry with nothing left to give.  This is not a good state to be in physically, mentally, or emotionally as you must give to yourself to have life flowing within.  

So, how is it possible to resurrect life within when feeling depleted?  The ways to accomplish this vary as much as personalities vary.  Each person may require something different to assist in this process – and it is a process.  Spending years, if not a lifetime within pathological relationships is not something that can be erased or rectified with a few quick suggestions or counseling sessions.  It is a process, and a lifelong journey to becoming a whole person. 

The first step is to desire having life within – not just going through the motions.  When one desires life, the natural inclination is to seek life-giving people and circumstances.  This may involve actively seeking out balanced and aware individuals to include in your inner circle.  After having the life force depleted within, as the result of dealing with a disordered relationship, it is very important to include people in your life that are givers. They are the ones that enhance your life instead of taking the life force away.  A person of exemplary character in friendship is a rare gift, and something to be cherished, as they are able to assist in loving you back to wholeness.  When surrounded by quality people – the givers of life – it automatically allows for situations and circumstances that will promote life and wholeness.  

Conversations become reciprocal, opinions are respected, emotions are validated, and you are treated as a person instead of an object.  Your time and thoughts become more focused on living with purpose and intention with less time spent thinking about the inane qualities of the pathological relationship (past or present).  Life becomes more exciting and worth living.

To live with purpose and intention, and including others of like mind in your life, changes the whole scope of your thinking and way of living.  Living with intention and purpose literally resurrects life within as you become more aware of how you are living your life.  To live intentionally and with purpose means you live in the present moment – not focusing on the past, or obsessing about the future.  It means setting goals for yourself that will promote and enhance your quality of life, and then maintaining the focus and clarity needed to obtain these goals.  In future columns the subjects of meditation and mindfulness will be discussed to introduce you to ways of working with the mind to assist in maintaining focus, clarity, and awareness. This in turn, will help you in obtaining your goals by changing the way you think. 

During this season of spring, become aware of the growth that is taking place in nature, and realize that growth can also take place within.  Grow by giving yourself the permission to heal, to be loved by others, and to commit to resurrecting life within.

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/resurrecting-life-within

Thought for the Day

This morning I woke and found this note attached to the coffee maker  




       You are what you do,
        not what you say.




                                                   

Ashley Judd, on Objectification

Stripper Chic? at Saks Fifth Avenue

Really? Why do we want to cripple women? Why do women choose to be crippled?

You Are Not Crazy

The link below is an honest offering of what it is like to be abused. Please take the time to find out what it's really like and if you are abused, you will find your tribe.

www.youarenotcrazy.com

Definition of a BULLY

The serial bully:

• is a *convincing,* *practised liar* and when called to account,
  will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
• has a *Jekyll and Hyde nature* – is vile, vicious and vindictive
  in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses;
  no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive
  nature – only the current target of the serial bully’s aggression
  sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as “charming”
  and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a
  tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as “evil”; Hyde is
  the real person, Jekyll is an act
• excels at *deception* and should never be underestimated in their
  capacity to deceive
• uses excessive *charm* and is always plausible and convincing when
  peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to
  deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)
• is *glib, shallow and superficial* with plenty of fine words and
  lots of form – but there’s no substance
• is possessed of an *exceptional verbal facility* and will
  outmanoeuvre most people in verbal interaction, especially at
  times of conflict
• is often described as *smooth*, *slippery, slimy, ingratiating,
  fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic*
• relies on *mimicry, repetition* and *regurgitation* to convince
  others that he or she is both a “normal” human being and a tough
  dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest
  management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon
• is unusually skilled in *being able to anticipate what people want
  to hear* and then saying it plausibly
• *cannot be trusted or relied upon*
• *fails to fulfil commitments*
• is *emotionally retarded* with an *arrested level of emotional
  development*; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that
  of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
• is *emotionally immature* and *emotionally untrustworthy*
• exhibits *unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters,
  sexual behaviour and bodily functions*; underneath the charming
  exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination
  and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual
  inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse
• in a relationship, is *incapable of initiating or sustaining
  intimacy*
• *holds deep prejudices* (eg against the opposite gender, people of
  a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious
  beliefs, foreigners, etc – prejudiced people are unvaryingly
  unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial
  aspect of their personality secret
• is *self-opinionated* and displays *arrogance*, *audacity, a
  superior sense of entitlement* and sense of *invulnerability* and
  *untouchability*
• has a deep-seated *contempt of clients* in contrast to his or her
  professed compassion
• is a *control freak* and has a *compulsive need to control*
  everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for
  example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to
  restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking
  knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial
  personality disorder
  in their presence -
  but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually
  unknowledgeably) about anything they choose; serial bullies
  despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception
  and their mask of sanity
• displays a *compulsive need to criticise* whilst simultaneously
  *refusing to value*, praise and acknowledge others, their
  achievements, or their existence
• *shows a lack of joined-up thinking* with conversation that
  doesn’t flow and arguments that don’t hold water
• *flits from topic to topic* so that you come away feeling you’ve
  never had a proper conversation
• *refuses to be specific* and *never gives a straight answer*
• is *evasive* and has a Houdini-like ability to *escape
  accountability*
• *undermines* and *destroys* anyone who the bully perceives to be
  an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the
  bully’s mask
• is *adept at creating conflict *between those who would otherwise
  collate incriminating information about them
• is *quick to discredit and neutralise* anyone who can talk
  knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors
• may pursue a *vindictive vendetta* against anyone who dares to
  held them accountable, perhaps using others’ resources and
  contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and
  organisations in pursuance of the vendetta
• is also *quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit*
  anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to
  account
• *gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to*
• is *highly manipulative*, especially of people’s perceptions and
  emotions (eg guilt)
• *poisons peoples’ minds* by manipulating their perceptions
• when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of
  others, responds with *impatience, irritability and aggression*
• *is arrogant, haughty, high-handed*, and *a know-all*
• often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic
  *attention-seeking
  need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and
  compassionate person*, in contrast to their behaviour and
  treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their
  behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy
  between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
• is *spiritually dead* although may loudly profess some religious
  belief or affiliation
• is *mean-spirited*, *officious*, and often *unbelievably petty*
• is *mean, stingy*, and *financially untrustworthy*
• is *greedy, selfish, *a *parasite *and an *emotional vampire*
• is *always a taker *and *never a giver* [Note from Danni: On this one I would say, never a giver unless there is a hidden motive of manipulation to gain.]
• is convinced of their *superiority* and has an *overbearing belief
  in their qualities of leadership* but cannot distinguish between
  leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation,
  trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness,
  aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)
• often *fraudulently claims* qualifications, experience, titles,
  entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or
  bogus
• often *misses the semantic meaning of language*, misinterprets
  what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a
  satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
• *knows the words but not the song*
• is *constantly imposing on others a false reality* made up of
  distortion and fabrication
• sometimes *displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy*
  especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion
  of accountability and is often a *committeeaholic* or apparent
  *workaholic*

http://dannimoss.wordpress.com/articles/abuse-in-the-christian-home/is-your-spouse-a-serial-bully/

Lundy Bancroft

WHEN HIS PUT-DOWNS SOUND TRUE

Some of the hardest put-downs to deal with are the ones that seem to have aspects of truth to them. Maybe he’s snarling at you that you can’t handle money, and the truth is that your finances really are in a mess. Maybe he’s calling you fat, and in reality you have indeed put on some pounds. Maybe he’s saying that everyone thinks you’re a psycho, and the truth is that some important friends actually have turned against you. 

Does this mean that he’s trying to help you to face some things that you need to face? Does this mean you are wrong to feel bad about the ways you are being verbally torn apart?
No. 

The truth is that even when he seems to be right, he’s still wrong. And he's definitely not trying to help, though he may tell you he is. Here are reasons not to take his statements to heart 

1) Because he’s exaggerating your difficulties in order to hurt you, even if there are partial truths in his words

2) Because he’s telling you that everything that is difficult in your life is your own fault, and that it shows what a weak person you are underneath. And that’s completely false. 

3) Because he’s ignoring how profoundly his mistreatment of you has contributed to these problems, or even created them entirely. When you live with a chronically insulting and undermining partner, your self-esteem suffers, your friendships suffer, your concentration suffers. He’s certainly not helping – he’s making everything worse. 

4) Because people’s difficulties don’t – and shouldn’t – define who they are.
A man who chronically mistreats you is a terrible source of information about who you are. His vision is too distorted, too self-centered, and too self-serving to have any useful clarity, especially when the subject is you. 

To put it concisely: It is impossible for a man to see a woman clearly while he is controlling her, abusing her, or cheating on her. 

A meditation for today: “I will listen carefully to my own inner voices, and to people who love me and treat me well. His harangues need to go in one ear and out the other.” 

http://lundybancroft.blogspot.com/2012/04/when-his-put-downs-sound-true.html

Legal Definition of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)

"Any abusive, violent, coercive, forceful, or threatening act or word inflicted by one member of a family or household on another can constitute domestic violence"

In my experience most women who are in abusive partnerships do not recognize it until the abuse is wildly out of control.  Abuse doesn't start at level 10, it starts quietly and intensifies over time.  Additionally,  women  have been socially trained to demure to our male partners. In fact it is in some cases considered taboo to act independently within our marriage, or "without permission" regardless of our competencies.

We are often regarded as capable, insightful and trustworthy outside our partnerships. Yet, inside the marriage we are told we are incompetent, delusional and sneaky.  Because of our original trust in our intimate relationship, we regard these falsehoods as possible.  I cannot tell you the times I examined my conscious after having been blamed and defined in an untruthful way by my partner.

These remarks are often covert and their delivery escalates over the years. They may be deguised as "helpfulness" in the beginning.  Along the way, the cycle of abuse becomes a pattern and slowly our self image is "guided" by these abusers and we become confused and less able to advocate for ourselves. Many of us are certain our abusers do not fit the stereotypical image of abusers.  We may not be hit, slapped or pushed. So we do not think of ourselves as victims of Intimate Partner Violence.  We are.

Self Destruction

Tonight I was reminded by my daughter of the self loathing that drives acts of addicts and abusers.  Just past my frustration of his behavior is a deep sadness for his life.  Imagine making your self image dependant on the demeaning of others.  It is through this that he can, if only for an instant, relieve the pain  of inadequacy.  Imagine believing "I am not good enough".

The grandeous gestures and entitled stance are shabby covers for his poverty of spirit.  Only through humiliation and power over others is he able to stave off the darkness of his soul, taunting him with a
lifetime of imagined failures.

In the context of recovery he will either self destruct or finally reach out for help when he finds his power is  a punative illusion.  And what can I do, be safe and stay away.  Even at a distance he is casting stones at my competency, my creativity and my light.  In the past my error was to abide by the rule of this tyrant in exchange for calm waters, pretending that the barbs and trips were not so important.  But they were.  Eventually the accumulation was too much.

I want to teach my granchildren how valuable they are.  I want to show them respect and empathy.  I want them to know they are worthy and loved.  I want them to never feel the need to steal the light of another.

Becoming a Grandmother

I've become a grandmother, like a mother but better.  Because I've learning something over the years,  I can be of service.  I'm calmer than I was 30 years ago, and empathetic to the need for drawing deep into the well of selflessness.

Memories of the hardships of motherhood do not fade away. The body remembers the lack of sleep, the repeditive tasks and the feeling of disconnect from the known world. Today they are providing a platform for my healing as I help my daughter, her husband and child in any way I can.  This is the generational connection that I missed and what a pleaure it is to re-build such an important bridge.

This role of mother and later grandmother is filled equally with responsibility and joy.  I am grateful that I am welcomed and acknowledged for what I contribute. I am humbled.