oh happy day

Oh Happy Day to me, my divorce is official.  I have my life back.  Hallelujah

Moving forward
on this New Street
starting Over
with everything I Need,

for the First Time.

yipee!

Celebrating 10,000 Pageviews

"Buddhism teaches us to be tolerant and accepting, but tolerance does 

NOT mean accepting what is harmful. Even if you think there are

 benefits to staying in a situation that is harmful, I urge you to 

reconsider. Abuse is never justified, and it is only when we don't

 love ourselves enough that we allow others to treat us with

 disrespect. When you love yourself, you can do anything with

 dignity, be appreciated for it, or you can take your skills elsewhere."

from: The Art of Happiness

Portia Nelson

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson ~

(There's a Hole in My Sidewalk)

thanks b, for sending me this

Gratitude, and a few thoughts

This is the big kahuna....gratitude. There are zillions of  platitudes and hallmark cards espousing this sentiment. But it's not a sentiment, it's a practise of humility and action.

Gratitude has often been elusive for me because I get stuck in my sadness and admittedly some self pity. We all have reason to be sad, the full embracing of this is on the road to living gratefully.  My mind conjures up monks and Buddhas and Christ. My mind conjures up those in need without the ability to defend themselves, without even opportunity to prosper.  Then I land back in my own shoes and pause before returning to my daily trials.

In these moments of perspective I find gratitude and humility before it zips away.  My conscious mind calculates what action I really put behind my gratitude, then I think of Catholic school and I stutter in my thinking. What is meant by the suffering of Christ? Why am I here on earth? How can I do this better?

I am racing against my own death now, sometimes with manic energy and sometimes as if in a fast moving stream beyond my control.  When I'm in the stream I'm in the moment. Otherwise I hear my self judging voice saying,  "you aren't enough", "you did wrong".  So goes the psyche. What a trip this has been

Coldplay Fix You

DARVO: (victim blaming) Deny the abuse,

Attack the victim, claiming victimization

and thereby Reverse the roles of Victim and

Offender.




www.posarc.com

FINALLY!

“Sex addiction-induced trauma is particularly acute around discoveries (finding out about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations), disclosures (being told about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations) and around the continued traumatic incidents that result from the presence of sexual addiction in an intimate relationship and family system. Partners often present with a set of symptoms that match symptoms similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD), including psycho-biological alterations, re-experiencing of the trauma, social and emotional constriction, constant triggering and reactivity, significant anxiety, emotional arousal and hyper-vigilance. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves nuanced symptoms that can include fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment and shame, and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.”

THIS IS IMPORTANT      SEX ADDICTION-INDUCED TRAUMA IS REAL

When I first discovered what my partner was doing I went to a place of trauma that I didn't think was possible.  Sadly it was. I cried a flood of tears that wouldn't cease. It was not until I started seeing trauma therapists that I could even conceive of a life without the constant triggers.  I stopped communication with several people in my extended family because I was too traumatised to speak to them.  If you are in a partnership with a person who is using pornography please follow this link for resources to help you :www.posarc.com

Ask An Addict

What would you most want to say to spouses or partners that they might need to know?

"This would probably be answered differently by every recovering addict but I can only speak for myself. I would first say that what was very difficult for my own recovery process was processing shame.

The field of sex addiction treatment is rather new, and I didn't find much official help and understanding of shame and how this affects recovery. Shame is different than guilt. My shame fueled the spiral of my compulsions and, despite however beautiful and magnificent my partner was, the acting out behavior had nothing to do with her. I was acting out separately from all her positive influences in my life."

 http://www.posarc.com/index.php, Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center.  It is an awesome resource for both the partner and the addict.  One of the best I've found so far.

I included the above text because of the sentence; "...despite however beautiful and magnificent my partner was, the acting out behavior had nothing to do with her. I was acting out separately from all her positive influences in my life."


That statement is  the Holy Grail for me.  It tells the whole story, the tragedy of addiction, through the eyes of a recovered addict.  No active addict would admit this.

I Saved the World Today

M.Scott Peck on Narcissism, from The People of the Lie

The Narcissist:  Refusal to acknowledge sin

It is necessary that we first draw the distinction between evil and ordinary sin. It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people...The central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it.^{p 69}

If evil people cannot be defined by the illegality of their deeds or the magnitude of their sins, then how are we to define them? The answer is by the consistency of their sins. While usually subtle, their destructiveness is remarkably consistent. This is because those who have "crossed over the line" are characterized by their absolute refusal to tolerate the sense of their own sinfulness.^{p 71}

The evil hate the light--the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of truth that penetrates their deception.^{p 179} Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality, like the sociopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness.^{p 76}

The poor in spirit do not commit evil. Evil is not committed by people who feel uncertain about their righteousness, who question their own motives, who worry about betraying themselves. The evil in this world is committed by the spiritual fat cats, by the Pharisees of our own day, the self-righteous who think they are without sin because they are unwilling to suffer the discomfort of significant self-examination.

Unpleasant though it may be, the sense of personal sin is precisely that which keeps our sin from getting out of hand. It is quite painful at times, but it is a very great blessing because it is our one and only effective safeguard against our own proclivity for evil. ^{p 71-72}

The Narcissist:  Self Image of Perfection

Utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, [the evil] are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. Outwardly [they] seem to live lives that are above reproach. The words "image." "appearance," and "outwardly" are crucial to understanding the morality of the evil.^{p 75}

The Narcissist:  Excessive intolerance of criticism

In Martin Buber's words, the malignantly narcissistic insist upon "affirmation independent of all findings." ^{p 80} Self-criticism is a call to personality change...The evil are pathologically attached to the status quo of their personalities, which in their narcissism they consciously regard as perfect. I think it is quite possible that the evil may perceive even a small degree of change in their beloved selves as representing total annihilation. ^{p 74}

The Narcissist:  Scapegoating

[Evil is] the use of power to destroy the spiritual growth of others for the purpose of defending and preserving the integrity of our own sick selves. In short, it is scapegoating. ¹¹⁹ A predominant characteristic...of the behavior of those I call evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at any one who does reproach them. They sacrifice others to preserve their self-image of perfection. ^{p 73}

Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad.

They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others...Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people I label as evil are chronic scapegoaters....The evil attack others instead of facing their own failures. ^{p 73-74}

The Narcissist:  Disguise and pretense

While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their "goodness" is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. That is why they are the "people of the lie". The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. ^{p 76}

Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors--either to others or to themselves. ^{p 104} Because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable ^{p 76}....Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. ^{p 106}

The Narcissist:  Intellectual deviousness

[A] reaction that the evil frequently engender in us is confusion. Describing an encounter with an evil person, one woman wrote, it was "as if I'd suddenly lost my ability to think"....This reaction is quite appropriate. Lies confuse. The evil are "the people of the lie", deceiving others as they also build layer upon layer of self-deception.

I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse. ^{p 179}

The Narcissist:  Greed

[The evil] are, in my experience, remarkably greedy people. Thus, they are cheap. ^{p 72}.

The Narcissist:  Unsubmitted will

If the central defect of the evil is not one of conscience, then where does it reside? The essential psychological problem of human evil, I believe is a particular variety of narcissism....The particular brand of narcissism that characterizes evil people seems to be one that particularly afflicts the will. ^{p 80}

Malignant narcissism is characterized by an unsubmitted will. All adults who are mentally healthy submit themselves one way or another to something higher than themselves, be it God or truth or love or some other ideal....They believe in what is true rather than what they would like to be true.

In summary, to a greater or lesser degree, all mentally healthy individuals submit themselves to the demands of their own conscience. Not so the evil, however....They are men and women of obviously strong will, determined to have their own way. ^{p 78} Such people literally live "in a world of their own" in which the self reigns supreme. ^{p 162}

The Narcissist:  Coercion and control of others

[Evil is] the exercise of political power--that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion--in order to avoid...spiritual growth...Because their willfulness is so extraordinary--and always accompanied by a lust for power--I suspect that the evil are more likely than most to politically aggrandize themselves.....There is a remarkable power in the manner in which they attempt to control others.^{p 78}

[In describing one of his patients, Peck says] Charlene's desire to make a conquest of me....to utterly control our relationship, knew no bounds. It seemed to be a desire for power purely for its own sake. ^{p 176} She wanted the reigns in her hands every moment. ^{p 158}

The Narcissist:  Lack of empathy

Theirs is a brand of narcissism so total that they seem to lack, in whole or in part, the capacity for empathy...Their narcissism makes the evil dangerous not only because it motivates them to scapegoat others but also because it deprives them of the restraint that results from empathy and respect for others.

In addition to the fact that the evil need victims to sacrifice to their narcissism, their narcissism permits them to ignore the humanity of their victims as well....The blindness of the narcissist to others can extend even beyond a lack of empathy; narcissists may not "see" others at all.

There are boundaries to the individual soul. And in our dealings with each other we generally respect these boundaries. It is characteristic of--and prerequisite for--mental health both that our own ego boundaries should be clear and that we should clearly recognize the boundaries of others. We must know where we end and others begin. ^{p 136-137}

The Narcissist:  Symbiotic relationship

Another form of devastation that narcissistic intrusiveness can create is the symbiotic relationship. "Symbiosis"--as we use the term in psychiatry--is not a mutually beneficial state of interdependence. Instead it refers to a mutually parasitic and destructive coupling. In the symbiotic relationship neither partner will separate from the other even though it would obviously be beneficial to each if they could. ^{p 137}

I doubt that it is possible for two utterly evil people to live together in the close quarters of a sustained marriage. They would be too destructive for the necessary cooperation....In every evil couple, if we could examine them closely enough, I image we would find one partner at least slightly in thrall to the other. ^{p 119} For adults to be the victims of evil, they too must be powerless to escape....They may be powerless by virtue of their own failure of courage....bound by chains of laziness and dependency. ^{p 119-120}

Evil in families

It is my experience that evil seems to run in families. ^{p 80} If evil were easy to recognize, identify and manage, there would be no need for this book. But the fact of the matter is that it is the most difficult of all things with which to cope. ^{p 130} [Evil] will contaminate or otherwise destroy a person who remains too long in its presence. ^{p 65}

The evil deny the suffering of their guilt--the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and imperfection--by casting their pain onto the other through projection and scapegoating. They themselves may not suffer, but those around them do. The evil cause suffering. The evil create for those under their dominion a miniature sick society. ^{p 123-124}

It happens then, that the children of evil parents enter adulthood with very significant psychiatric disturbances. ....It is doubtful that some can be wholly healed of their scars from having had to live in close quarters with evil without correctly naming the source of their problems.

To come to terms with evil in one's parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary searing vision are those who are able to name it. ^{p 130}

---

Alice Walker and Veterans for Peace

Torture

When they torture your mother
plant a tree
When they torture your father
plant a tree
When they torture your brother
and your sister
plant a tree
When they assassinate
your leaders
and lovers
plant a tree
Whey they torture you
too bad
to talk
plant a tree.
When they begin to torture
the trees
and cut down the forest
they have made
start another. 

Alice Walker

Last night I was privileged to  attend the annual convention banquet for the Veterans for Peace and hear Alice Walker read a poem created for the occasion.  She didn't read the poem I've posted but this poem spoke to me today as I face my current battle.

The banquet was a gathering of souls who have been to war, and back. These veterans stand for the equality of all mankind and for peace, not in a marketed fashionable way, but in the way that includes and respects all humanity in a deeply soulful way. They are the embodiment of facing evil and choosing peace. 

Thank you J.J. for including this Rusty Feminist and for providing the synchronicity that I needed.

Snakes in the Grass

I was warned about the snakes in the grass.  I did come across them.  My journey now is taking me to a complex intersection where no single road is clearly marked and indeed there are snakes, and theives and the blows come from behind.

If you are inclined to pray or send a good thought, now would be the time. Today I want to honor the loving relationships I have and express gratitude.  What I carry inside me canot be taken away by any manuver.  My talents, humour, empathy and vision are not commodities to be traded for real estate or diamonds, furnishings and artwork.  I will one day be buried with all that I am and I hope to leave behind an example of having done my best.

Forgiving for Good

Thanks T.K. for giving me these nine steps to forgiveness.  I'm typing them here in my blog hoping that by the act of doing so they will float around my consciousness. Like so much we struggle with the answers are elusive.  It's in the effort, however small, that we succeed.

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK.  Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who hurt you, or condoning of their actions.  What you are after is to find peace.  Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that comes from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are now suffering, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes -or ten years- ago.  Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to sooth your body's fight or flight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give to you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or you how and other people must behave.  Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put you r energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.  Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lives is your best revenge.  Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.  Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

"I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, 

and do not let expectations hinder my path."

dalai  lama

I started plotting my divorce over twenty years ago.  My first attempt went pretty well.  I got a restraining order (due to his alcoholic behavior toward the kids) and I really thought I could do it.  But then I saw my young son pulling the hair out of the top of his head, bald, and I caved.  I couldn't stand that I was causing my son that anxiety, and I was afraid of navigating my life alone.  I stayed with the devil I knew rather than risk the unknown.

The second attempt  6 years ago was foiled by a big fat (lie) apology where he promised to get professional help and be a better person, the one I deserved. He admitted his abuse and disrespect and he professed his love for me. I should have just thrown it in the apology box with all the previous apologies, but he called from the hospital where he was having some kind of nervous breakdown and he sounded really sad, like a puppy.  Of course he never got any professional help for his abusive behavior toward me, or any help for his addictions.

This is the final mother of all attempts to divorce.  This time it will be done.  I didn't fall for his latest apology and another promise to do better. What changed?  I learned to recognize and name the components driving my dysfunctional marriage.  I learned about the Cycle of Abuse and the honey moon stage that lulls us into another try.  I learned something called False Beliefs and I figured out what mine were.  I learned to stay calm and to observe his behavior and my reactions to it.  I learned that I froze in stressful situations and lost my confidence in the face of a bully.  I'm learning to stand up for myself by setting boundaries.  I'm aware of my triggers and I'm trying to put them in my past.

Along the way I admit to a few revenge fantasies, but thankfully they don't last long and most of them are pretty hilarious.  I'm really staying focused in the moment and on the life I can have without abuse. Wives of the 50's really did have to hide their anguish behind a mask  Today women can expect and ask for equality in their relationships and know when they are called a bitch or a nag that they are talking to a man who doesn't know what the word co-creation means.

No more drinking the koolaide.  Stand up for yourself, no one else will.

Leaving A Narcissist

There is no punishment withheld by the Narcissist for the partner whose has finally decided to leave.  Literature I've read often refer to it as having an arm or leg cut off, an actual part of the narcissist's identity is destroyed.  So the extreme anger and entitlment roar as if the Narcissist's life were threatened.  Of course, there is no empathy for their victims, not a shred of understanding for the damage they are doing, or have done.  For them it's always the "other guy" who was wrong, and particularly wrong to leave.

My stbx narcissist, addict, verbal and emotional abuser will fight to the death for what is not his.  He made his claim to my very identity and all that I owned when he married me.  Today is the day of reckoning as he views it.  There is no true remorse for his actions, not a shred of  repentance for all that he destroyed through selfishness, addiction and so many lies. There is only what was mine, now his.

He is punishing me for his sins. It's astounding.  It's evil.

"When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it."

lewis b smedes