I started plotting my divorce over twenty years ago.  My first attempt went pretty well.  I got a restraining order (due to his alcoholic behavior toward the kids) and I really thought I could do it.  But then I saw my young son pulling the hair out of the top of his head, bald, and I caved.  I couldn't stand that I was causing my son that anxiety, and I was afraid of navigating my life alone.  I stayed with the devil I knew rather than risk the unknown.

The second attempt  6 years ago was foiled by a big fat (lie) apology where he promised to get professional help and be a better person, the one I deserved. He admitted his abuse and disrespect and he professed his love for me. I should have just thrown it in the apology box with all the previous apologies, but he called from the hospital where he was having some kind of nervous breakdown and he sounded really sad, like a puppy.  Of course he never got any professional help for his abusive behavior toward me, or any help for his addictions.

This is the final mother of all attempts to divorce.  This time it will be done.  I didn't fall for his latest apology and another promise to do better. What changed?  I learned to recognize and name the components driving my dysfunctional marriage.  I learned about the Cycle of Abuse and the honey moon stage that lulls us into another try.  I learned something called False Beliefs and I figured out what mine were.  I learned to stay calm and to observe his behavior and my reactions to it.  I learned that I froze in stressful situations and lost my confidence in the face of a bully.  I'm learning to stand up for myself by setting boundaries.  I'm aware of my triggers and I'm trying to put them in my past.

Along the way I admit to a few revenge fantasies, but thankfully they don't last long and most of them are pretty hilarious.  I'm really staying focused in the moment and on the life I can have without abuse. Wives of the 50's really did have to hide their anguish behind a mask  Today women can expect and ask for equality in their relationships and know when they are called a bitch or a nag that they are talking to a man who doesn't know what the word co-creation means.

No more drinking the koolaide.  Stand up for yourself, no one else will.