Gratitude, and a few thoughts

This is the big kahuna....gratitude. There are zillions of  platitudes and hallmark cards espousing this sentiment. But it's not a sentiment, it's a practise of humility and action.

Gratitude has often been elusive for me because I get stuck in my sadness and admittedly some self pity. We all have reason to be sad, the full embracing of this is on the road to living gratefully.  My mind conjures up monks and Buddhas and Christ. My mind conjures up those in need without the ability to defend themselves, without even opportunity to prosper.  Then I land back in my own shoes and pause before returning to my daily trials.

In these moments of perspective I find gratitude and humility before it zips away.  My conscious mind calculates what action I really put behind my gratitude, then I think of Catholic school and I stutter in my thinking. What is meant by the suffering of Christ? Why am I here on earth? How can I do this better?

I am racing against my own death now, sometimes with manic energy and sometimes as if in a fast moving stream beyond my control.  When I'm in the stream I'm in the moment. Otherwise I hear my self judging voice saying,  "you aren't enough", "you did wrong".  So goes the psyche. What a trip this has been