Be the Change/ Merry Christmas

Gaining Perspective

In the wake of my partners addictions so many suffer.  He suffers and doesn't know why.

Every day I gain perspective and strength and every day I am challenged by his behavior which seems to have no bottom.  The destruction caused by his paranoia, his  delusions and the transparent tricks of his counsel are dis heartening.

                        These are moments that only prayer will do.  I'm giving it over to God tonight.


                                                                            PEACE

Learning from Other Women

Today I was able to share what I know with another woman.  I could say to her,  "I know how you feel". I could say to her "I have felt those feelings, I know what that is like".  It was empowering to be able to share what I know and look back on even recent misery and to assure her that it is possible to not only survive but to overcome.

There were many moments that seemed impossibly floundering to me.  When I was treading water and saying prayers while trying to battle desperation.  It's what hopelessness feels like.  I know that crummy soupy place where hope is lost, just gone.

I don't know why we are subject to such moments but I know we all have them.  My survival has depended on my connection to humanity and to understanding, really understanding, we are one.  Maybe that's empathy, or maybe it's really embracing humility.  Without one another we really are living in desperation. I lost a dear friend to that darkness this past summer.  We shared a laugh just days before she lost her connection to others and I mourn her.  She stood at the edge of the abyss, and took a step forward.

Through our connections to others we can take a step away from the edge.  I am fortunate to have done this, but I didn't do it alone.  When I really looked around me I was surrounded by others collected over a lifetime.  I am not alone, I am not abandoned. You are not alone. You are not abandoned.

 I can help someone.  I am grateful for this life.

Betrayal and Discovery Over Time

For years I minimized and denied the realities in my long marriage. Some of those realities were hidden from me, secreted by my partner, but there were plenty that were evident but I chose to avoid.  I spent a lot of energy on resentment as a result of my disappointment in my partner's behavior which I mistakenly thought I could influence. I was depressed and confused and felt sorry for myself when I faced the inevitably loneliness.


What I have come to understand is that there never was a chance to have a relationship of mutuality with my partner..  His behavior now and in the past has reinforced to me that I was never enough, that our children were never enough, to motivate him to be the grown up and loving man that we needed.  It was never about us, it was about him.  His needs, his opinions, his control, his self loathing and his addictions.


I know now that I brought to my marriage a greater than average fear of abandonment, which caused me to stay transfixed in an unhealthy partnership, because I lost my mother at a young age.  I know now that I was attracted to my partner because my family of origin co-mingled pain and love and when I experienced that early in my marriage it felt familiar.  I know now that my religious education taught me to be self less and to sacrifice and that because of my birth order I was trained to care for others, especially those who were needy and able to reflect my own brokenheartedness.  I know now that I held tightly to the false belief that love would conquer all.  With all this vulnerability it was as if I had no choice but to follow the path that I did.


Had it not been for the relentless confusion and loneliness in my marriage I may not have learned these things about me.   This is after all what I always wanted, to know myself. Having this knowledge presents another challange and something else I've always wanted.  That is to be true to myself and to be mindful as I go forward, not just to myself but to others.


I can't quite yet say I am fully grateful for the troubles in my marriage and I still imagine I could have been a good partner to a less troubled man.  But that is not what I chose.  So I am giving this old life into the hands of God, who knows better than me what I needed.  Today I am breathing and crossing my hands over my chest, praying that I will be able to move forward with my whole heart.

Johnny Cash/ I Won't Back Down

Miss Representation

This documentary was recommended to me by author and sexual health educator Wendy Maltz.  It has not yet been screened in my area, but perhaps it is available to you.  Check out the website.


www.missrepresentation.org

Reviewing My Path, Charting Forward

I created this blog, The Rusty Feminist, to process my experience with an abusive and addicted partner. Included in these over one hundred posts are intimate details of my life and the unraveling of my emotions and my history.  If you are questioning why I tolerated this for more than 30 years, I can understand.  From the outside it appears practically insane to try and survive it.  Unless you have lived it yourself.

Inside this kind of marriage are False Beliefs, Romantic Ideals and intermittent reconciliations in the Cycle of Abuse that confuse the smartest and most well meaning women. In my case I was often preoccupied by attending to my partner's projections and controlling behaviors as an archaic coping mechanism.  There was no way to hasten my reflective understanding.  My progress was blocked by so many events and outdated ways of thinking.

There are a whole lot of women like me, naive, industrious and dedicated to the vows we made.  We minimize and tell ourselves whatever is necessary to avoid facing the inevitable abandonment.  For me, I just knew I could solve this one, until I could not.  There were abundant societal cues that encouraged me to stay put and tough it out.  I put away my feminist beliefs and allowed negative self talk to crush my intuition.

It has taken a while but I am trying to use the tools of Detachment, Boundary Setting, Researching and Talking with my Tribe to fight the war against Denial, False Beliefs and Fear.  I committed to therapy for Trauma, Healing and Self-Knowledge to fight Abuse Amnesia.  I searched my soul for the grown up woman I am who would finally say "Enough!"  In the end I am claiming the irreplaceable value of my own life, my independant thinking and a future of my own creation.

Even though I'm bushwhacking my way through a divorce, I'm pretty happy.  I know that I can battle my way forward by remaining dedicated to the truth.  The result is life enhancing.  Every bit of courage was earned, every bit of confidence was tested.  I'm looking forward, protecting what I learned and keeping a bright light shined on that truth.

Waking Up and Healing

                                                 Time does heal. 
          It appears in the center of a storm that there will be no end to it, 
                                                 and then there is.

In the last week I asked a few close friends for their prayers of healing and I  can already feel the power of their prayers.  It is not simply my readiness to ask that brought this result. There is a divine Faith in my life that I cannot deny.  However I construct the diagram of how change comes to be, it has arrived for me.

I came across a few small notes that I took last year listening to the dinner talk of Deborah Szekely.  She is a truly amazing octogenarian with a life's story of entrepreneurship that pioneered the current Mind/BodyWellness movement.  Her life has been dedicated to providing others with the vocabulary and the experience of healthy eating, exercise and spirituality. She spoke about Time and Choices.

Deborah began by saying that choosing or not choosing weigh equally in the end.  It's something that I intuitively know but maybe wish to avoid facing.  Why not do the active choosing?  She wakes each morning with the purpose of action and says out loud to the world "Good Morning!"  "Be conscious", she tells us,"You have the gift of a day".  How we use our time defines us as Human Beings. Value your time, value your Self.

Take time to reflect every day and choose health for your body which is forever renewing itself. "The body enables you",  she told us. Treat your body with Respect, Responsibility and your Reward will be Regeneration. "We are aways in the process of becoming", she said.

So, I am reflecting on all the extraordinary experiences I have had.  I have a stockpile of positive energy created by the exchanges between my fellow human beings that waits patiently for the subsidence of grief and shifts into place through the prayers of friends.

                                                
                                    I am Grateful.

Flood of tears

                     
                              Pushing beyond my flood of tears I recall
                                     everyone who has given to me
                                                   a kind word
                                               a knowing smile
                                          an empathetic embrace.


                I count my countless blessings and you are among them.

Blackbird Song

Charateristics of an Abused Woman

The following text was given as a hand out at a Domestic Abuse Center as part of a recovery program.  Read it and Weep, I did.

Characteristics of the Woman Who Has Experienced ABUSE

She's a naive romantic. She believes that love, her love, will conquer all. It takes her the longest time to learn that love doesn't excuse her partner from being accountable for their actions. 

She doesn't know when to give up and walk away.
She is a natural at guilt and apologies. She shoulders the blame for whatever goes wrong.

She takes responsibility for anything and everything.
She doesn't believe that she is good enough. Her low self-worth, progressively lowered in an abusive relationship, means that however imperfect her partner, she still feels inferior to them. She sees that person as compensating for her own inadequacies. 

Her 'NO' lacks authority. In other words, she is easily bullied and coerced. She may sound strong-minded, but her wants, needs, and reason never carry the same weight for her as those of her parnter. 

She has little or no idea of boundaries. She has little instinct for self protection or self-preservation. Her best 'strategy' is often to hope that others will do right by her 

She believes that she needs someone else to complete her. She does not fully believe that she can manage herself on her own and face the challenges of life. 

She's really into rescue. A generous soul, she may well yearn for a rescuer, but she can't resist running to the rescue of anyone in distress. (This is often part of what attracts her to an abusive partner.) She's slow to learn that the people she rescues are more likely to turn aggressive than to show gratitude and loyalty in the long term. 

She believes that she is entitled to far less from her life than other people. Other people have rights, she only has wishes that she believes are probably unreasonable. 

She is a generous, long-suffering person.

---

The next excerpt is from Patricia Evans, author and recognized expert on Verbal Abuse.  Patricia was the first person to really research, define and write about verbal abuse.  She has helped countless women to identify and understand their partnerships. I am one of those women.  I've posted before about her books and her Clarity Seminar, which I attended.  Her website is www.verbalabuse.com  I cannot recommend it enough.

* The partner has learned to overlook unkindness, disrespect, disregard, and indifference as not important enough to stand up to. 

* Upsetting incidents are denied by the abused, and the partner thinks she's wrong. 

* Verbal abuse, control, and manipulation have not been articulated or defined for the partner, so she remains confused. 

* The partner thinks her feelings are wrong. 

* The partner intermittently forgets her upset feelings when the abuser is intermittently friendly. 

* The abuse can be very subtle -- the control increasing gradually over time so that the partner gradually adapts to it. 

* The abuser controls the interpersonal communication and, therefore, the interpersonal reality by refusing to discuss upsetting interactions. 

* The abuser blames the partner for upsetting interactions, and the partner believes him and therefore thinks that they are her fault. 

* The partner has no basis of comparison -- no experience of nonabusive relationships with men. 

* The abuser and partner may function very well together in their respective roles, making a home, raising a family, and "getting ahead," so the abusive nature of the relationship is overlooked. 

* The partner may be so absorbed in raising a family or developing a career that she ignores the problems in the relationship, thinking that nothing is perfect anyway. 

* The partner may have never seen a model of a healthy relationship and good communication. 

* At times, the abuser is not abusive. Consequently, the partner forgets the "bad times." 

* The partner is too stunned or thrown off balance to think clearly about what is happening to her. 

* The partner does not have the level of self-esteem which demands that she always be treated with courtesy and dignity. 

* The partner's reality has never been validated. Others don't see the abuse, so it doesn't seem real to her. 

* The partner believes her mate is rational in his behavior toward her, so that he has "some reason" for what he says. 

* The abuser's behavior is alternately abusive and nonabusive, so that the partner is never sure whether or not the relationship is working.* The partner believes her perceptions may be wrong. 

* The partner may have no knowledge of verbal abuse and no appropriate models of better relationships to which she can compare her own relationship. 

* The partner may believe that the way her mate is, is the way men are, with possibly a few exceptions. 

* The partner may believe that if her mate provides for her he really loves her. 

* The partner thinks there is something wrong with her. 

* The partner believes that when her mate is angry she has somehow hurt him. 

* The partner may never have considered the question, "Am I being verbally abused?" 

Andrea Dworkin/ Life and Death

A woman has a right to safety - in real life, not abstractly. A lot has to change before safety is possible. All the implicit assumptions about women's inferiority have to change. 

We cannot talk about what freedom is  for women without talking about what freedom is for battered women. To me, that means every woman who is or has been battered has to have in our society a real right of sovereignty over her body. There have to be boundaries that she can set and that everyone else is legally bound to respect.  If they don't, they will be punished. No exceptions. No bullshit.

Women will never be free unless we are no longer treated as objects, which includes sexual objects. We are human beings; we are the center of our own lives. We are not things for men to act out on. We will never be free unless we stop the notion that violence is okay. It's not okay. Nobody has a right to control another human being through violence. We cannot sanction violence as a way of life - for both victim and executioner. Women are not ever going to be free unless all the institutions that support hurting women end - including the use of pornography by men, such that the hurting of women becomes a form of sexual entertainment; including the exploration of women in prostitution, such that men have a right  to lease women's bodies for sexual release whenever they want; including incest, now the reigning model of male- female relations. (pp. 166-167) 

And finally I want to say that what's urgent is to make the war against women visible. When it's invisible we can't fight it, and when it's invisible every single woman is isolated in the trauma of what's happening to her. She has no way out, and she has no way to become whole again. But standing together, and seeing the connections in the various kinds of violence against women - and in the exploitation that is not overly violent - we can go up against the power of the battered, the legal system that sill protects him, and the society that gives him privileges over us. (p.168)

In these passages from her essay, Freedom Now, Andrea Dworkin states with a clear voice the tasks (still) at hand for feminists. During her life, she courageously  and repeatedly took a stand in hostile climates to demand that the oppression and exploitation of women and children be stopped.  She was one of the most celebrated and maligned leaders for the second wave feminist movement whose own early traumas at the hand of the patriarchy gave her abundant and authentic expression for these truths.  Her life's work on behalf of rape victims brought this country from the dark ages of thinking that a woman raped was a woman (or girl) who was asking for it, to the present day understanding of rape as an act of violence against women, including date rape and marital rape.

It is discouraging to see how much work has been done by Andrea and her peers and how much is still left to be done in fighting the battle against the hyper-sexualization of our culture created by pornography and our submission by apathy to it's political power and influence. The new war has arrived.  Do we  need a ribbon and and a poster child (a sacrificial female) before we will admit to the societal ills committed by pornographers? 

There are already sacrificed women on every street corner, in strip joints and on the pages of adult entertainment magazines and videos.  But they are the seedy sub-human type that society has agreed to designate for men to buy and violate.  Are we waiting for our own daughters to be sacrificed in the name of men's violence against women.  Sadly, I think we are. We are waiting for the female face of innocence that we know and love to be spat on, degraded and regarded as less than human before we say this must end, now.

why marriage counseling/psychotherapy fails: Lundy Bancroft

One of the reasons marriage therapy fails to help walking-on-eggshells relationships is that it relies on egalitarian principles. Noble an idea as it is, this approach can only work in a relationship in which the couple sees each other as equals. Remember, your husband feels that you control his painful emotions and, therefore, feels entitled to use resentment, anger, or abuse as a defense against you. He will resist any attempt to take away what he perceives to be his only defense with every tool of manipulation and avoidance he can muster. In other words, he is unlikely to give up his "edge" of moral superiority - he's right, you're wrong - for the give-and-take process required of couples' therapy. And should the therapist even remotely appear to "side" with you on any issue, the whole process will be dismissed as "sexist psychobabble."

These men have gotten so good at charming the public, including their marriage counselors, because they've had lots of practice. Since they were young children, they've used charm and social skills to avoid and cover up a monumental collection of core hurts. Though it can be an effective strategy in social contexts, this masquerade falls flat on its face in an intimate one. If your husband is a charmer in public, his resentment, anger, or abuse at home is designed to keep you from getting close enough to see how inadequate and unlovable he really feels. In fooling the marriage counselor and the public at large, he makes a fool of you but an even bigger one of himself. 

Why Your Psychotherapy Did Not Help Your Relationship and His Made It Worse

Research and clinical experience show that women in therapy tend to withhold important details about their walking-on-eggshells relationships. Most say that they're embarrassed to be completely honest with their therapists. One woman told me that she was convinced that her therapist, whom she thought was "awesome," wouldn't like her if she knew about the harsh emotional abuse at home. Though it is incredibly hard to believe, she saw that same therapist for five years without ever mentioning her husband's severe problems with anger and abuse. By the time I was called in, the woman was suffering from acute depression and anxiety that were destroying her physical health. When I spoke to the therapist, however, she had no clue about the abuse. 

When therapists are aware that their clients are walking on eggshells at home, they feel almost bound to persuade the woman to leave the relationship. The most frequent complaint I hear from women who have undergone this kind of advocacy therapy is that they were reluctant to reveal the depth of their guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment to their disapproving therapists. Some have reported that their counselors would say things like, "After all he did to you, and you feel guilty?" I have heard hundreds of women report this kind of pressure from their therapists and have heard hundreds of therapists at conferences express exasperation about their clients' reluctance to leave their walking-on-eggshells relationships. The trainings I do for therapists worldwide always emphasize the utter necessity of compassion for their clients' enormous burden of guilt. Making hurt women feel ashamed of their natural (albeit irrational) feelings of guilt is intolerably bad practice. Compassion for her core hurts is the healthy way to help her heal her pain. 

Despite these problems, your psychotherapy probably helped you a little, even though it did not help your relationship. Whether it helped your husband is another matter. The goal of traditional psychotherapy is to reprocess painful experience in the hope of changing the way the client sees himself and his loved ones. If your husband's therapy unearthed painful experience from his past, without first teaching him basic emotional self-regulation, he most likely dealt with that pain in the only way he knew how -- by taking it out on you. He either seemed more entitled to display resentful, angry, or abusive behavior or used the pain of his past as an excuse for it.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/150156

Bancroft goes on to give critical perspective to therapists, clergy and law enforcement by explaining that in this power dynamic, where a man bullies his partner, they must change their traditional thinking and hold the man entirely responsible for his actions and by actively listening to the woman's story for clues they can help her stop enabling him. 


 Bancroft has seen the most powerful change in a man when his entitlements are thwarted in every direction from family, friends and society. 


He strongly recommends advocacy in the form of public campaigns to educate and to shine a light on this unequal dynamic.  

Lundy Bancroft is what a Feminist looks like.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/150156

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/150156

Heinz Kohut/ Reflections on EMPATHY, 1981

In a presentation to his colleagues given just 4 days before he died, Heinz Kohut, an important and celebrated theorist in the field of Self Psychology, talked about Empathy. I was able to hear his last words on this subject on a DVD available from Lifespan Learning.

Kohut's primary focus was to set straight his position on empathy, a subject he first presented in 1959, as it relates to analysis and how analysis cures. He begins by warning that merely sentimentalizing ones patient through compassion and being nice is a misuse of empathy. He stressed that to attempt to cure a patient the analyst must take this lower form of empathy to it's higher form in two steps from compassion and holding, like a mother, to giving interpretations and explaining in  "genetic dynamic and socioeconomic terms".

Kohut implores the analyst to not abuse empathy as a vaguely supportive measure but to grasp it on all its levels. He describes the developmental line of empathy as one that travels from the archaic level of understanding to the highest level, barely touching the original holding, providing the patient the ground to stand on his own, like the child who ventures out from the mothers arms and while looking back and sensing the  pride in the mother for his accomplishment.

He defines empathy as understanding that can be used for either good or evil.  "Empathy informs action" is what he said. Using  the analogy of the  Nazi concentration camps, Heinz Kohut says that is was not sadism or cruelty that was the worst of the experiences there but the encounters which  lacked any expressed empathy. Acts of total disregard for the humanness of victims creates "disintegration anxiety", an annihilation of the Self.

I have read various texts describing the characteristics of (malignant) narcissism.  A lack of empathy is  common among them. If we apply Kohut's description of empathy as informing action for either good or destructive purposes then it leads me to conclude that the narcissist, if in fact he is incapable of empathy, is not acting with the intention of destruction as it may feel to those around him. The narcissist's action must nessesarily be a one of total disregard, resulting in the annihilation of the "Other". Kohut believes that the resulting emptiness (dehumanization) leads to the greatest suffering in the patient. 

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Yesterday I was traveling by plane on a trip that took most of the day and a layover. I found myself noticing my interactions with fellow travelers and their interactions with each other. It was an affirming and healing day because it stood in contrast to so many trips I have taken in so many years.

I was complemented twice, once on my hair and another time on my shoes, which was nice enough but what I felt was a global receptivity (empathy) to my surroundings in a way that was easy and natural. Now I do have daily encounters that are affirming and I see the same people in my neighborhood and we share greetings and I find myself asking and listening and being listened to. What I'm experiencing now is traveling on my own terms, in my own way without the dutiful constraints of my partner.

I want to make this post about the positivity that I feel but I cannot do it without describing how traveling with my partner in the past was an experience of absorbing his anxiety and anger. My wifely job as it were, when traveling, was to be in service to his demands and his expectations. I was in a virtual cocoon of focus on him and his needs. Looking back it was anxiety filled from the moment we packed to leave. The pressure of time constrainsts, the idiocy of the TSA, the incorrect seat selection, the annoying person sitting nearby him, the bad attitudes of the flight attendants, the uninformed hotel clerk, the smelly taxi driver and the waiter who could do no right. Then it all happened again in reverse on the way home.

When I travel alone I encounter people who are polite if not generous and it gives me the chance to reciprocate. I'm not the kind to always strike up a long conversation but the small ways in which we recognize each others humanness is soothing and reassuring. Yes, we will make it to our destination, together! We are all in some degree masking our troubles and working on taking the next steps in our personal trials. We are all facing challenging resolutions at home and in our work, with finances, spirituality and health. But when we do it with some dignity and just the smallest amount of respect for each other it makes our time here on earth (and in airports) have some meaning.


Happy trails to you until we meet again, rusty feminists!

James Hollis/

I was fortunate to attend a lecture given by Dr. Hollis last Spring.  He is a thoughtful and accomplished analyst and author who writes and lectures on the midlife passage.  The audio CD of his book; Through the Dark Wood  is moving and insightful. He reads it in his own voice.

Dr. Judith Herman/ Trauma and Recovery

Dr. Judith Lewis Herman writes:

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.. 

In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator's first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end, he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it on herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail. 

The perpetrator's arguments prove irresistible when the bystander faces them in isolation. Without a supportive social environment, the bystander usually succumbs to the temptation to look the other way. This is true even when the victim is an idealized and valued member of society. Soldiers in every war, even those who have been regarded as heroes, complain bitterly that no one wants to know the real truth about war. When the victim is already devalued (a woman, a child), she may find that the most traumatic events in her life take place outside the realm of socially validated reality. Her experience becomes unspeakable. . .
To hold traumatic reality in consciousness requires a social context that affirms and protects the victim and that joins the victim and witness in a common alliance. For the individual victim, this social context is created by relationships with friends, lovers, and family. For the larger society, the social context is created by political movements that give voice to the disempowered."http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/04/judith-herman-group-recovery.html

This excerpt from Judith Herman's book Trauma and Recovery is a good argument for why I write this blog. Not only is it a platform for my healing through telling the story of my long marriage but it is a voice in cyberspace that already has reached around the world.  In my own community I am thankful for those of you who listen and affirm reality, without you I could never imagine healing.

Some days I wish I had a soft place to fall where the arms that held me were unconditionally loving and where I could find some justice for my trials.

Living with Narcissism

Living with or being involved with a narcissist can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. 

 

It can feel like you have to perform "mental gymnastics" from dealing with the lying (even when confronted with undeniable proof ), the gaslighting, the triangulation, the projection, the constant contradictions, the manipulation, blame-shifting, the charm they lay on, the inflated sense of self - even subtle forms of torture, such as sleep depravation these people inflict on their victims - appears to be conscious and calculated to push the target of their "affections" past their limits, into surrender - and ultimately into total compliance - as a source of Narcissistic Supply.

Children, spouses, friends, lovers - those closest to the Narcissist - are not considered individuals in their own right by the Narcissist - but rather extensions or, in the worst cases, the property of the Narcissist.

Even after finding out that you are dealing with a mental disorder, if you don't protect or remove yourself from the situation, you may find yourself entering into a state of mind where you instinctively try to fix or fight the narcissist's illogical attitudes and behaviors.

You may find yourself becoming hyper-vigilant, trying to second guess them, trip them up, lay down ultimatums, call them on their lies, or constantly trying to stay one-step ahead of their ever-changing rule-book. You may even find yourself trying to mirror their behaviors to some extent in order to manipulate them, as they have manipulated you. This can be both futile and attractive to the narcissist, as they often relish the challenge.

If you ever do manage to get "one-up" on a narcissist, it is likely to be a hollow "victory" at best. They may rage, play the victim, or disappear. None of these outcomes gives the victim any true satisfaction.

More than any other disorder on the PD spectrum, narcissists are like psychological vampires, attaching themselves to you in a way that drains you of your resources (emotional, mental and financial) and leaves you questioning your own worth and sanity.

Often, narcissists are able to imitate or approximate caring about others when it is convenient for them to do so. However, they typically do not perceive that anything outside of their own sphere of wants and needs matters. It simply doesn't occur to them to consider the needs of anyone else, or the long-term consequences of their own behaviors.

Narcissists can be highly intelligent, witty, talented, likable, and fun to be around. They can also elicit sympathy like nobody's business.

Narcissists are opportunistic. They can make a show of being "generous" but their generosity usually has strings attached.

They tend to isolate their victims, sucking up their time and energy, many times robbing their own families, spouses and partners of an external support system.

Narcissists are excellent liars and many prefer to lie even when telling the truth would be more beneficial to them; which suggests that lying is a hallmark of this pathology.

They are often highly competitive and argumentative. They lash out when presented with opinions that contradict their own or when confronted with their own lies or bad behaviors.

They can be calculating and extremely persuasive and susceptible to erratic thinking and impulsive decision making .

Narcissists can be self-destructive as often as they are destructive to others. They have a great deal of trouble accepting responsibility for their own actions, under any circumstance.

Narcissists are addictive personalities and narcissism is commonly co-morbid with addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, spending and gambling. It has been suggested that Narcissists have a higher rate of ADHD than the general population.

Narcissists are rarely alone. They like to feed on the energy of others, and to have an audience to reflect back to them the person they want to see themselves as.

Narcissists are good at pretending, but typically do not feel compassion or empathy or consider the feelings or well-being of others. They tend to be singularly focused on getting their own needs met, at the expense of the needs of others. 

While narcissists generally portray a lack of conscience, they typically have an intellectual awareness of what they are doing and how they hurt others. They simply do not care.

Being kind to a Narcissist in the face of their maltreatment is a common approach of family members and partners. However, this can result in further frustration as it is rarely reciprocated and tends to feed their sense of entitlement, opening the door for more abuse.

http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Narcissism.html

The text I quoted above comes from a  forum that has excellent moderators. You can also find well researched Glossary, Tool Box and information on Traits, Links and Books. If you are in a relationship with someone who has a diagnosed Personality Disorder or who exhibits the traits of one, I recommend that you use it as a resource.

A Conversation

In a conversation about pornography addiction with a noted author, sociologist and anti-porn activist, I was asked to ponder the question of why.

Aside from the rushing biological connection between the visual images and the brain's production of pleasure chemicals (and beyond the affirming of their manhood), why do men take pleasure in the degradation of women which pornography embodies? The author proposes that pornography addiction is an exception in the general understanding of addiction, because it is mired in a personal-political and historical swamp (patriarchy) which is dedicated to keeping one half of the world's population dominated by the other.

One cannot help but see the relational ties between the global subjugation of women and pornography. How can we isolate these two? We cannot.


In the words of  Catherine MacKinnon, "Are women human?"







http://www.wunrn.com/news/2008/09_08/09_15_08/091508_czech.htm

Last Tango in Paris 1972 / calling shit wild apple butter

Tonight I was  thinking about all that I have learned about pornography in the last month and suddenly I remembered THAT movie, Last Tango in Paris.  The actress, Maria Schneider, died this year.  She and I
are the same age. In 1972 we were both nineteen years old.

I did a little research on her life and found that she was a runaway and an illegitimate daughter of a well known actor and because of this connection she came to the attention of Warren Beaty and the William Morris Agency.  She was beautiful, young and on her own in Paris. Flattered I'm sure, by the attention, she took the role to play opposite Marlon Brando in this X rated film by Bertolucci. The film was scandalous and rightly banned in several countries.

It represented an early seismic shift in the attempt to normalize pornography.  I remember the taboo of  watching this X rated movie was mitigated by it's lofty participants, whereas it's contemporaries, Behind the Green Door and Deep Throat were still actual pornographic films not veiled by an Oscar worthy actor and director. But the sensation of seeing the film could not have been more pornographic.

In fact it was repulsive and I kept asking myself, WHY?  The pathos of Marlon Brando's character who aggressively sexually violates Maria (and her character, ) was entirely lost on me.  He appeared to be nothing more than a self obsessed madman, an evil predator at best. The films attempts at rehabilitating his character were superficial in the face of his actions. In Maria Schneiders recounting of that experience she explains that she was experiencing real terror, humiliation and tears in the film.

"The truth is, it was Marlon who came up with the idea," Schneider said. "They only told me about it before we had to film the scene, and I was so angry. I should have called my agent or had my lawyer come to the set because you can't force someone to do something that isn't in the script, but at the time, I didn't know that. 

"Marlon said to me: 'Maria, don't worry, it's just a movie.' But during the scene, even though what Marlon was doing wasn't real, I was crying real tears. I felt humiliated and to be honest, I felt a little raped, both by Brando and by Bertolucci. After the scene, Marlon didn't console me or apologize. Thankfully, there was just one take."

In his review of the film when it was released in the United States in 1973, The Times' Charles Champlin wrote that Schneider "is a triumph of casting — petulant, self-indulgent, and convincingly terrified as someone who has gotten in beyond her depth."

http://www.latimes.com/news/obituaries/la-me-maria-schneider-20110204,0,1685595.story



The whole scenario (Marlon Brando anally rapes her using butter) smacked of ordinary pornography in the guise of an art film and it was captured in real time with real emotions  and all for the actual degradation of this young woman (girl) by means of anal sex explained as some pathos driven need in the grieving Brando. The impact on Maria's life was sadly similar to what porn actress experience.  Maria's fate after the film was riddled with drug addiction for many years and she was never able to advance in her career despite all the promise she was told she had.

She was a young woman lured ("cast") and manipulated into acting as vessel for the perverse pleasure of  the (homo-erotic?) mind of the director.  She was tricked into compliance with forethought and she paid the price for both  Bertolucci's and Brando's grandiosity.  No matter how you package manipulation and degradation or re frame morality you are left in the company of evil and the ruination of your character through the senseless punishing of another human being.

If/ Rudyard Kipling

If—

BY RUDYARD KIPLING

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

    My dad gave me a journal at Christmas for many years.  Inside he would tape copies of  his favorite poems and inspirational quotes.  This poem was always among those he gave me.

This Is To Mother You

Marie-France Hirigoyen/The Victim

This author, Marie-France Hirigoyan, is a noted psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and family therapist, who writes with authority about the complexities of the abuser and the victim in personal relationships and in the workplace.  The title of the book I am blogging about today is Stalking The Soul, Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity. She argues that emotional abuse is equally violent as physical abuse.  "It is a crime whose aim is, she says "a virtual murder of the soul."  If one is to define soul as Carl Jung did, the Soul is the Self.


The attributes of the victim are given a detailed analysis in her book, and it's one that explains more than most regarding the disposition and faults of this object of the abuser.

The nature of the abusive attack lies in aiming at the other's vulnerability, where weakness or pathology exists.  Every individual exposes a weak point that the abuser will hammer away at.  Just as a climber hooks into the fault in the mountainside, so an abuser uses the other's faults.  An abuser shows tremendous intuition about where the weaknesses lie, finding how best to hurt and wound.  In some cases, the fault can be exactly the one a victim refuses to acknowledge in herself, and the abusive attack becomes a painful revelation.  It can also be a symptom that the victim tried to minimize or regularize, which the abusive attack reactivates. (pp.137-138)

It makes sense then, that the victim's response to the abuser is less than self protective. She is injured in a way that causes doubt and self recrimination. It is an unfair hitting below the belt.

In an abusive relationship, the balanced equation disappears, replaced by the dominance of one partner over the other and the impotence of the subjected partner to react and stop the struggle.  This is primarily why we are dealing with real attacks on a person's identity.  By previously establishing control the power to say no was taken away.  Everything is dictated with no possibility for negotiation. (p.140)

I think this explanation is a good one, a true one, and it is an opportunity for all of us to see that the subjected partner (victim) is crippled somewhat by the location of the blow, making is that much harder to see that she has choices.  She is struck by her abuser and simutaneously by herself. It's an eloquent description of a bully. 


Re-reading this post reminds me that my partner was a notorious bully in school and had many behavioral problems as a child.  These traits were quieted when we met and I fell for what I thought was a goodness in him that in fact was feigned as a tool of seduction.  I was clueless.