Characteristics of the Woman Who Has Experienced ABUSE
She's a naive romantic. She believes that love, her love, will conquer all. It takes her the longest time to learn that love doesn't excuse her partner from being accountable for their actions.
She doesn't know when to give up and walk away.
She is a natural at guilt and apologies. She shoulders the blame for whatever goes wrong.
She takes responsibility for anything and everything.
She doesn't believe that she is good enough. Her low self-worth, progressively lowered in an abusive relationship, means that however imperfect her partner, she still feels inferior to them. She sees that person as compensating for her own inadequacies.
Her 'NO' lacks authority. In other words, she is easily bullied and coerced. She may sound strong-minded, but her wants, needs, and reason never carry the same weight for her as those of her parnter.
She has little or no idea of boundaries. She has little instinct for self protection or self-preservation. Her best 'strategy' is often to hope that others will do right by her
She believes that she needs someone else to complete her. She does not fully believe that she can manage herself on her own and face the challenges of life.
She's really into rescue. A generous soul, she may well yearn for a rescuer, but she can't resist running to the rescue of anyone in distress. (This is often part of what attracts her to an abusive partner.) She's slow to learn that the people she rescues are more likely to turn aggressive than to show gratitude and loyalty in the long term.
She believes that she is entitled to far less from her life than other people. Other people have rights, she only has wishes that she believes are probably unreasonable.
She is a generous, long-suffering person.
The next excerpt is from Patricia Evans, author and recognized expert on Verbal Abuse. Patricia was the first person to really research, define and write about verbal abuse. She has helped countless women to identify and understand their partnerships. I am one of those women. I've posted before about her books and her Clarity Seminar, which I attended. Her website is www.verbalabuse.com I cannot recommend it enough.
* The partner has learned to overlook unkindness, disrespect, disregard, and indifference as not important enough to stand up to.
* Upsetting incidents are denied by the abused, and the partner thinks she's wrong.
* Verbal abuse, control, and manipulation have not been articulated or defined for the partner, so she remains confused.
* The partner thinks her feelings are wrong.
* The partner intermittently forgets her upset feelings when the abuser is intermittently friendly.
* The abuse can be very subtle -- the control increasing gradually over time so that the partner gradually adapts to it.
* The abuser controls the interpersonal communication and, therefore, the interpersonal reality by refusing to discuss upsetting interactions.
* The abuser blames the partner for upsetting interactions, and the partner believes him and therefore thinks that they are her fault.
* The partner has no basis of comparison -- no experience of nonabusive relationships with men.
* The abuser and partner may function very well together in their respective roles, making a home, raising a family, and "getting ahead," so the abusive nature of the relationship is overlooked.
* The partner may be so absorbed in raising a family or developing a career that she ignores the problems in the relationship, thinking that nothing is perfect anyway.
* The partner may have never seen a model of a healthy relationship and good communication.
* At times, the abuser is not abusive. Consequently, the partner forgets the "bad times."
* The partner is too stunned or thrown off balance to think clearly about what is happening to her.
* The partner does not have the level of self-esteem which demands that she always be treated with courtesy and dignity.
* The partner's reality has never been validated. Others don't see the abuse, so it doesn't seem real to her.
* The partner believes her mate is rational in his behavior toward her, so that he has "some reason" for what he says.
* The abuser's behavior is alternately abusive and nonabusive, so that the partner is never sure whether or not the relationship is working.* The partner believes her perceptions may be wrong.
* The partner may have no knowledge of verbal abuse and no appropriate models of better relationships to which she can compare her own relationship.
* The partner may believe that the way her mate is, is the way men are, with possibly a few exceptions.
* The partner may believe that if her mate provides for her he really loves her.
* The partner thinks there is something wrong with her.
* The partner believes that when her mate is angry she has somehow hurt him.
* The partner may never have considered the question, "Am I being verbally abused?"
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