Bullies Abusers and Addicts, oh my! Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

One of the easier understood explanations of why women stay so long in bad relationships can be found in understanding the Cycle of Abuse.  This concept bears repeating because it is at the heart of the denial that keeps women stuck and it escalates over time.

You know when you are sick with the flu and your nose is rubbed raw or your head is pounding and feels like it's stuffed with rags? You feel hot and achy and have no energy.  You wonder if you will ever be well again, in fact you can hardly remember being well.  Then the symptoms start to disappear and before long those aches and pains are a very distant memory and you  throw away all the tissues and lozenges and you forget it ever happened.  Being in the Cycle of Abuse is like that.

When I was in the abusive phase my head was stuffed with confusion and hurt about what just happened (unprovoked rage, a sarcastic remark or withdrawal and silence.)  This would go on for days, often longer, almost exclusively in private.  My partner would  threaten me and then in an instant he'd laugh out loud at the TV or computer screen. His mood swings were an unsettling behavior that frustrated my comprehension before I understood the pattern.

In time there would be a break like a social event or a series of small things, a kind gesture, a gift or a show of remorse that would pull me along and life resumed to 'normal'.   I focused on the present and buried thoughts of the painful past.  I told myself everyone struggles and that I am privileged and that he loves me because he proclaims it so often.   'Abuse Amnesia' helped me to feel cheerful again and like being over the flu, it was in the past.

But without fail, he would  again initiate abuse in  a few weeks or months.  It often started with a series of projections (lies) about something I said or did or felt. Like, "You always do what you want, you never think about me!" Or there would be a disproportionate raging criticism to something like how I was entering info in the car's navigation system. I tried to defend myself  but the more I defended the larger and louder he became.  Eventually I would shrink, feel hurt, go inward and hold resentments.   

During the last two years of my marriage I practiced detachment every day, I  did it as much as I possibly could (not perfectly).I entered Jungian analysis and I went every week without fail.  I joined online support forums with other women and we shared our similar burdens.  I attended a clarity retreat and I prayed. On my computer I made a file of research.  I practised bio-feedback all day long, especially in front of him.  I learned to see his actions as if they were on a stage that I was watching.  In fact the more I detached the more bizarre his words and actions became.  My detachment intensified his abusive-bully-addict persona  and I was told this is to be expected.  


If you want to break this cycle of abuse you will need tools. I've said before that detachment is one of the best tools because it will give you a good idea of whether he is willing to change or whether you will be working your plan "b" (prepare to leave).  You can also use firm and even language to state what you will and will not tolerate.  Demand respect for yourself and decide on Boundaries.  

I hope this was a useful description of the Cycle of Abuse and how to break it.  My experience followed clear patterns and so will yours. I have one final recommendation that has proved critical to clarity for many women, and it is JOURNALING. As soon as possible after an abusive episode write down what happened, use exact phrases.  Keep it safe and later when you are lulled by the reconciliation phase, read it.  You will not so easily deny that you are living in a cycle of abuse as you will have a recorded history of your trauma.

       The Cycle of Abuse is present in virtually all Abusive relationships.