I've had a few very dark moments in my marriage that I have kept to myself and I should not have. Once when my daughter was an infant my husband invited into our home his old friend who had just been released from prison on drug related charges. This friend had brought with him a fellow inmate whom I did not know anything about but I can remember the crude prison tattoos he had on his forearms. I was upset as they were invited to spend the night and my husband didn't consult me. I asked him to tell them to sleep elsewhere and an argument followed that had me pleading and crying and just not understanding why my request was not honored. I felt utterly discounted as a human being and a mother. In the midst of the argument, which I was clearly loosing, I went to my bedroom with my infant and locked the door. Just as soon as I had done it he demanded that I open the door and I would not. He kicked it in. Simple as that, the door flew off the hinges and he was in my face. Those two men spent the night in our house and I learned (in horror) that standing up for myself would get the door kicked in.
Another dark moment was 12 years later. My husband had made habit of spending time with a single friend many times a week. These afternoon and evenings out would last 4-6 hours and I had been asking him to spend more time at home. One particular Saturday I asked him firmly to not leave but to stay home with the family. He resisted and I stated my case with even more forceful language, insisting he stay home. We were in the kitchen having this argument. My daughter and her friend were upstairs and I remember trying not to yell when in an instant my husband took both hands and grabbed my throat. He slammed me up against the kitchen counter and cabinets. The back of my head make contact with the metal cabinet knob and my lower back got a good blow on the counter edge. The instant he let go I started to run. I remember thinking how I didn't want my daughter to know or hear anything as I ran past the front door. He was so close on my heels that I thought he would continue the beating if I slowed to open the door so I ran into my bathroom. Well, I ended up in the bathtub like a cornered animal, defeated. I think a part of me just shut down at that moment and never came back.
It didn't matter what he said or did after that, what was done was done. I had a contusion on the back of my head with an eggplant sized bruise on my low back and his hand prints on my neck. He never acknowledged my injuries and I never set a consequence. Again, I was reminded that standing up for myself was dangerous. More dangerous than I could ever know was my choice to stay married for many years after this assult. I wish I could easily tell you why I and so many women stay with partners who choose to abuse them. It's a complicated stew and woven into this blog is, I hope, the answer.
I did not consider myself a battered woman, I considered myself a woman who was a fast learner. I learned that I was at risk of violence if I challenged the will of my husband. What followed were many years of escalating verbal abuse and addictions fueled by his entitlement and tolerated by me. I grew resentful and confused. I don't want another woman to think like I did that this power over oppression leaves her no choice but to submit. We have the choice to demand respect and to call the police and seek help when faced with violence. When our partners are resistance to change we have the CHOICE TO LEAVE.
This is horrible on many levels. But the one I am most familiar with is your objection to the "friends" spending the night in your home. Women need to listen very closely to even the slightest inner whisper telling them "this isn't right" or "something about this isn't safe." I know too many women who did not listen to that inner voice and yet it is so often right. And besides that, better to be overly cautious...
ReplyDeleteBy protesting, you were doing the right thing by your child's welfare. Children need to be able to count on protection from their parents. It is impossible, really impossible to be aware of all the dangers that your child might be confronted with. But to be naive or cavalier about the kind of people who are guests in your house is one of the most dangerous mistakes a parent can make.
You really put your own life on the line. You shouldn't have to be courageous for the sake of your welfare, your child's welfare and your own dignity. And you certainly shouldn't have to be courageous toward a husband and the father of your child. This guy sounds like he did every thing it takes to break you. Without your courage he would have broken your child as surely as if he had beaten her or choked her as he did you, maybe not literally, but by a lack of attention such as with the friends spending the night.
I was in that situation as a child. And I was not safe. On many occasions I was not safe. That's all I feel that I can say.