There are, in life, stimulating encounters that encourage us to give our best; there are others that can undermine and ultimately destroy us. One individual can succeed in destroying another by a process of emotional abuse. This animosity sometimes culminates in a virtual murder of the soul.
It is effectively possible to destabilize or even destroy someone with seemingly harmless words and hints, inferences , and unspoken suggestions; usually those close to the situation will not intervene. A narcissist abuser grows in stature at the expense of the other; he also avoids any inner spiritual conflict by shifting the responsibility for what is wrong onto the other person. If the other is responsible for the problem, wrong-doing, guilt, and suffering don't exist. This defines emotional abuse.
The above quote is from the introduction to her book, Stalking the Soul. When I read it my heart sank in recognition. The years of abuse in my marriage and the absence of intervention was deeply destabilizing for me. Marie-France Hirigoyen writes with great understanding about the victim as well. She refutes labeling the victim as either masochistic or as predisposed with weakness or character deficiencies. Instead she defines the victim as one who is:
...generally chosen for the positive qualities they have, which the abuser then seeks to appropriate.
Why is the victim chosen?
As I work to end my marriage I have become an object of (projected) hate, so have those who are my friends, my family and my associates. They are described in vile and untrue ways for their association with me. As my abuser looses his manipulative grasp he recoils with venomous words.Because she is there, and for and unspecified reason becomes troublesome. The victim is an interchangeable object who happens to be there at the right/wrong time and makes the mistake of being seduced and, sometimes, of seeing too clearly. She is only of interest to the seducer when she can be used or seduced. She becomes an object of hate as soon as she tries to work her way free or has nothing left to give." p.137
good luck!
ReplyDeleteI am reading this book as I finally work towards my divorce from my husband of 25 years. It is amazing, intense and, indeed, the most true and helpful of all I have come across.I read it in parts as it is so scary and shaking. I read it after therapy sessions, I read it when I begin doubting and blaming myself again. It is priceless and a life saver. I guess I have been planning my divorce for over 10 years now...and finding this book helped my continue to do so with determination and self belief.
I'm glad that you have found help in this book. I am finding so many women who after long marriages are facing these realities. We are filled with doubt and self blame and our isolation compounds this. The slow accumulation of abuse destroys our ability to understand and in my case I found myself terribly confused. We are fortunate to have authors like Marie France Hirigoyen, Bancroft, Lundy, Patricia Evans and others who give us clarity. Thanks for visiting my blog, I wish you the very best on your journey.
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