How could someone feel that being beaten does not justify leaving? Being struck and forced not to resist is a particularly damaging form of abuse because it trains out of the victim the instinctive reaction to protect self. To override the most natural and central instinct, a person must come to believe that he or she is not worth protecting. Being beaten by a "loved one" sets up a conflict between two instincts that should never compete: the instinct to stay in a secure environment (the family) and the instinct to flee a dangerous environment. As if on a seesaw, the instinct to stay prevails in the absence of concrete options on the other side. Getting off that lopsided seesaw off the ground takes more energy than many victims have. (p. 215)
Throughout this chapter De Becker repeatedly reminds the reader that victims of abuse must learn to recognize that they have choices, something they do not recognize. This difficulty is best expressed when he writes about asking a (battered) woman what she would do if her daughter was beaten by a boyfriend and she states that she would kill him or at least never allow her daughter to see him.
What is the difference between you and your daughter? I asked. Janine, who had a fast explanation for every aspect of her husband's behavior, had no answer for her own, so I offered her one. " The difference is that your daughter has you-and you don't have you. If you don't get out soon, your daughter won't have you either." (p.215)
She really didn't have a part of herself, the self protective part. She had come out of her own childhood with it already shaken, and her husband had beaten it out completely. She did, however, retain the instinct to protect her children, and it was for them that she was finally able to leave. (p.216)
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