Conversations

I found myself having conversations about honesty, about sharing the truth and just whom you can safely share it with.  In some moments I distrust my own heart.  My thoughts are conflicted.  It seems I will forever be self judging.  I may never get it right.

 I want to reduce the amount of judgement I bring into my life.  I judge others by claiming that they judge (me)?  It's all too weird.  Maybe that's why we all love little children so much.  They are not yet conflicted.  Their needs are pretty straight forward and they haven't succumb to double think, double talk.  They are learning to manipulate, but mostly out of the need to survive.

My fear is that I manipulate to survive as well.  But it is the survival of Ego, far from the realm of basic need.  The survival of my self view ( that I am good ) is critical to me.  What I say is designed in part to keep me on this "good " side.  I want to just listen, be present, and stop using conversations to validate my "goodness".

There were a few conversations about "pausing", I tried to listen, but I'm pretty large.  I want more humility and less judgement in my life.  How am I ever going to learn this?  Do you ever want to rewind?  Tomorrow is a chance to try it over again and do better.

The Pain Stops

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person that you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cool.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it is like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops: when you are ready.

http://www.mjtacc.com/frameset.html?rgrieving.html~mainFrame

Leave it to Bob Dylan

Erich Fromm, The Objects of Love

"Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation  of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one "object" of love. If a person only loves one other person and is indifferent to the rest of his fellow men, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism."

I have begun reading, or re-reading, Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving. I know I studied his writing in college but to read it again forty years later is another task altogether.  With some luck we all will have a life long enough to find some understanding about subjects like..love. When picturing love most of us see a corny image of entwined lovers, that's what appeared when I googled it and that's what we are sold in our culture.

"In contrast to the symbiotic union, mature love is union under the condition of preserving one's integrity, one's individuality.  Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men , which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity.  In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."

The Art of Loving

"Love is primarily giving, not receiving. Giving is the highest expression of potency. Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness."

Erich Fromm

I am reflecting after a day of Thanksgiving, that life is complex and all the more reason to acknowledge the simplicity of giving thanks.

Forward, Without Fear

It's been nearly three months since I stepped out of my long marriage and into my own skin.  I've done a few nice things for myself, moved some furniture, re-vamped my closets, cut my hair differently and did some work on my house.  It all feels so easy. It's remarkable how these simple things can make me feel more like myself.  Today I arranged flowers in preparation for Thanksgiving.

My depression has lifted and I'm able to confidently stop taking anti-depressant medication.  This is something I was using as a support and it's wonderful to let go, to move forward.  I feel like I'm repairing a favorite car which had been neglected. Funny analogy, but what the heck.

I'm still active on several support forums.  I see my "old" self in many of the women who are struggling to understand and find a path in difficult partnerships.  Sometimes I am triggered by harmless images of women, mostly nudes.  Sometimes I am still triggered by just seeing young girls.  They live in a dangerous world where they are objectified before they even have a clue.  That bothers me and sometimes those thoughts and images follow me into my sleep.  I got irritated watching a rehab TV program the other night. It's too hard to feel that kind of empathy just yet.

All in all I am looking forward to a day of Thanksgiving.  So much has fallen back into the place where it belongs.  I'm settling in and letting this softer current take me along.

How It Feels To Move Forward

It's been two weeks since I re-claimed my life, legally.  It's been more than a few years since I started to move forward without capitulating to the false comfort of my life.  It feels pretty darn good to get to this first step out of the past.  So many things that I feared were not true.  You could say I was afraid of the "boogie man" and that I had a partner who like to remind me of it!

Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

[edit]

maya angelou

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.  In fact, it may be necessary to ensounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it."


Maya Angelou

I watched my father in the face of defeat.  I watched my father in the face of success.  He was a man with an unusually driving force in response to whatever he faced. He lived a large and complicated life here on earth which sadly ended in tragedy. My father believed as Scott Peck does, that life is struggle. So he treated his defeats and successes with equal fortitude, neither resting to celebrate or fall apart.  He was heroic.  He was a philosopher and a lover of poetry, and a captain of industry.

When I have felt defeated I think of him and wish for his dogged acceptance of life's trials.  He was different from most of us and not like you would have expected given his accomplishments. My father modeled for me persistence in his tasks and a genuine empathy for his fellow man.  I miss him and mourn him tonight.

oh happy day

Oh Happy Day to me, my divorce is official.  I have my life back.  Hallelujah

Moving forward
on this New Street
starting Over
with everything I Need,

for the First Time.

yipee!

Celebrating 10,000 Pageviews

"Buddhism teaches us to be tolerant and accepting, but tolerance does 

NOT mean accepting what is harmful. Even if you think there are

 benefits to staying in a situation that is harmful, I urge you to 

reconsider. Abuse is never justified, and it is only when we don't

 love ourselves enough that we allow others to treat us with

 disrespect. When you love yourself, you can do anything with

 dignity, be appreciated for it, or you can take your skills elsewhere."

from: The Art of Happiness

Portia Nelson

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson ~

(There's a Hole in My Sidewalk)

thanks b, for sending me this

Gratitude, and a few thoughts

This is the big kahuna....gratitude. There are zillions of  platitudes and hallmark cards espousing this sentiment. But it's not a sentiment, it's a practise of humility and action.

Gratitude has often been elusive for me because I get stuck in my sadness and admittedly some self pity. We all have reason to be sad, the full embracing of this is on the road to living gratefully.  My mind conjures up monks and Buddhas and Christ. My mind conjures up those in need without the ability to defend themselves, without even opportunity to prosper.  Then I land back in my own shoes and pause before returning to my daily trials.

In these moments of perspective I find gratitude and humility before it zips away.  My conscious mind calculates what action I really put behind my gratitude, then I think of Catholic school and I stutter in my thinking. What is meant by the suffering of Christ? Why am I here on earth? How can I do this better?

I am racing against my own death now, sometimes with manic energy and sometimes as if in a fast moving stream beyond my control.  When I'm in the stream I'm in the moment. Otherwise I hear my self judging voice saying,  "you aren't enough", "you did wrong".  So goes the psyche. What a trip this has been

Coldplay Fix You

DARVO: (victim blaming) Deny the abuse,

Attack the victim, claiming victimization

and thereby Reverse the roles of Victim and

Offender.




www.posarc.com

FINALLY!

“Sex addiction-induced trauma is particularly acute around discoveries (finding out about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations), disclosures (being told about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations) and around the continued traumatic incidents that result from the presence of sexual addiction in an intimate relationship and family system. Partners often present with a set of symptoms that match symptoms similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD), including psycho-biological alterations, re-experiencing of the trauma, social and emotional constriction, constant triggering and reactivity, significant anxiety, emotional arousal and hyper-vigilance. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves nuanced symptoms that can include fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment and shame, and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.”

THIS IS IMPORTANT      SEX ADDICTION-INDUCED TRAUMA IS REAL

When I first discovered what my partner was doing I went to a place of trauma that I didn't think was possible.  Sadly it was. I cried a flood of tears that wouldn't cease. It was not until I started seeing trauma therapists that I could even conceive of a life without the constant triggers.  I stopped communication with several people in my extended family because I was too traumatised to speak to them.  If you are in a partnership with a person who is using pornography please follow this link for resources to help you :www.posarc.com

Ask An Addict

What would you most want to say to spouses or partners that they might need to know?

"This would probably be answered differently by every recovering addict but I can only speak for myself. I would first say that what was very difficult for my own recovery process was processing shame.

The field of sex addiction treatment is rather new, and I didn't find much official help and understanding of shame and how this affects recovery. Shame is different than guilt. My shame fueled the spiral of my compulsions and, despite however beautiful and magnificent my partner was, the acting out behavior had nothing to do with her. I was acting out separately from all her positive influences in my life."

 http://www.posarc.com/index.php, Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center.  It is an awesome resource for both the partner and the addict.  One of the best I've found so far.

I included the above text because of the sentence; "...despite however beautiful and magnificent my partner was, the acting out behavior had nothing to do with her. I was acting out separately from all her positive influences in my life."


That statement is  the Holy Grail for me.  It tells the whole story, the tragedy of addiction, through the eyes of a recovered addict.  No active addict would admit this.

I Saved the World Today

M.Scott Peck on Narcissism, from The People of the Lie

The Narcissist:  Refusal to acknowledge sin

It is necessary that we first draw the distinction between evil and ordinary sin. It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people...The central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it.^{p 69}

If evil people cannot be defined by the illegality of their deeds or the magnitude of their sins, then how are we to define them? The answer is by the consistency of their sins. While usually subtle, their destructiveness is remarkably consistent. This is because those who have "crossed over the line" are characterized by their absolute refusal to tolerate the sense of their own sinfulness.^{p 71}

The evil hate the light--the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of truth that penetrates their deception.^{p 179} Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality, like the sociopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness.^{p 76}

The poor in spirit do not commit evil. Evil is not committed by people who feel uncertain about their righteousness, who question their own motives, who worry about betraying themselves. The evil in this world is committed by the spiritual fat cats, by the Pharisees of our own day, the self-righteous who think they are without sin because they are unwilling to suffer the discomfort of significant self-examination.

Unpleasant though it may be, the sense of personal sin is precisely that which keeps our sin from getting out of hand. It is quite painful at times, but it is a very great blessing because it is our one and only effective safeguard against our own proclivity for evil. ^{p 71-72}

The Narcissist:  Self Image of Perfection

Utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, [the evil] are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. Outwardly [they] seem to live lives that are above reproach. The words "image." "appearance," and "outwardly" are crucial to understanding the morality of the evil.^{p 75}

The Narcissist:  Excessive intolerance of criticism

In Martin Buber's words, the malignantly narcissistic insist upon "affirmation independent of all findings." ^{p 80} Self-criticism is a call to personality change...The evil are pathologically attached to the status quo of their personalities, which in their narcissism they consciously regard as perfect. I think it is quite possible that the evil may perceive even a small degree of change in their beloved selves as representing total annihilation. ^{p 74}

The Narcissist:  Scapegoating

[Evil is] the use of power to destroy the spiritual growth of others for the purpose of defending and preserving the integrity of our own sick selves. In short, it is scapegoating. ¹¹⁹ A predominant characteristic...of the behavior of those I call evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at any one who does reproach them. They sacrifice others to preserve their self-image of perfection. ^{p 73}

Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad.

They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others...Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people I label as evil are chronic scapegoaters....The evil attack others instead of facing their own failures. ^{p 73-74}

The Narcissist:  Disguise and pretense

While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their "goodness" is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. That is why they are the "people of the lie". The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. ^{p 76}

Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors--either to others or to themselves. ^{p 104} Because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable ^{p 76}....Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. ^{p 106}

The Narcissist:  Intellectual deviousness

[A] reaction that the evil frequently engender in us is confusion. Describing an encounter with an evil person, one woman wrote, it was "as if I'd suddenly lost my ability to think"....This reaction is quite appropriate. Lies confuse. The evil are "the people of the lie", deceiving others as they also build layer upon layer of self-deception.

I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse. ^{p 179}

The Narcissist:  Greed

[The evil] are, in my experience, remarkably greedy people. Thus, they are cheap. ^{p 72}.

The Narcissist:  Unsubmitted will

If the central defect of the evil is not one of conscience, then where does it reside? The essential psychological problem of human evil, I believe is a particular variety of narcissism....The particular brand of narcissism that characterizes evil people seems to be one that particularly afflicts the will. ^{p 80}

Malignant narcissism is characterized by an unsubmitted will. All adults who are mentally healthy submit themselves one way or another to something higher than themselves, be it God or truth or love or some other ideal....They believe in what is true rather than what they would like to be true.

In summary, to a greater or lesser degree, all mentally healthy individuals submit themselves to the demands of their own conscience. Not so the evil, however....They are men and women of obviously strong will, determined to have their own way. ^{p 78} Such people literally live "in a world of their own" in which the self reigns supreme. ^{p 162}

The Narcissist:  Coercion and control of others

[Evil is] the exercise of political power--that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion--in order to avoid...spiritual growth...Because their willfulness is so extraordinary--and always accompanied by a lust for power--I suspect that the evil are more likely than most to politically aggrandize themselves.....There is a remarkable power in the manner in which they attempt to control others.^{p 78}

[In describing one of his patients, Peck says] Charlene's desire to make a conquest of me....to utterly control our relationship, knew no bounds. It seemed to be a desire for power purely for its own sake. ^{p 176} She wanted the reigns in her hands every moment. ^{p 158}

The Narcissist:  Lack of empathy

Theirs is a brand of narcissism so total that they seem to lack, in whole or in part, the capacity for empathy...Their narcissism makes the evil dangerous not only because it motivates them to scapegoat others but also because it deprives them of the restraint that results from empathy and respect for others.

In addition to the fact that the evil need victims to sacrifice to their narcissism, their narcissism permits them to ignore the humanity of their victims as well....The blindness of the narcissist to others can extend even beyond a lack of empathy; narcissists may not "see" others at all.

There are boundaries to the individual soul. And in our dealings with each other we generally respect these boundaries. It is characteristic of--and prerequisite for--mental health both that our own ego boundaries should be clear and that we should clearly recognize the boundaries of others. We must know where we end and others begin. ^{p 136-137}

The Narcissist:  Symbiotic relationship

Another form of devastation that narcissistic intrusiveness can create is the symbiotic relationship. "Symbiosis"--as we use the term in psychiatry--is not a mutually beneficial state of interdependence. Instead it refers to a mutually parasitic and destructive coupling. In the symbiotic relationship neither partner will separate from the other even though it would obviously be beneficial to each if they could. ^{p 137}

I doubt that it is possible for two utterly evil people to live together in the close quarters of a sustained marriage. They would be too destructive for the necessary cooperation....In every evil couple, if we could examine them closely enough, I image we would find one partner at least slightly in thrall to the other. ^{p 119} For adults to be the victims of evil, they too must be powerless to escape....They may be powerless by virtue of their own failure of courage....bound by chains of laziness and dependency. ^{p 119-120}

Evil in families

It is my experience that evil seems to run in families. ^{p 80} If evil were easy to recognize, identify and manage, there would be no need for this book. But the fact of the matter is that it is the most difficult of all things with which to cope. ^{p 130} [Evil] will contaminate or otherwise destroy a person who remains too long in its presence. ^{p 65}

The evil deny the suffering of their guilt--the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and imperfection--by casting their pain onto the other through projection and scapegoating. They themselves may not suffer, but those around them do. The evil cause suffering. The evil create for those under their dominion a miniature sick society. ^{p 123-124}

It happens then, that the children of evil parents enter adulthood with very significant psychiatric disturbances. ....It is doubtful that some can be wholly healed of their scars from having had to live in close quarters with evil without correctly naming the source of their problems.

To come to terms with evil in one's parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary searing vision are those who are able to name it. ^{p 130}

---

Alice Walker and Veterans for Peace

Torture

When they torture your mother
plant a tree
When they torture your father
plant a tree
When they torture your brother
and your sister
plant a tree
When they assassinate
your leaders
and lovers
plant a tree
Whey they torture you
too bad
to talk
plant a tree.
When they begin to torture
the trees
and cut down the forest
they have made
start another. 

Alice Walker

Last night I was privileged to  attend the annual convention banquet for the Veterans for Peace and hear Alice Walker read a poem created for the occasion.  She didn't read the poem I've posted but this poem spoke to me today as I face my current battle.

The banquet was a gathering of souls who have been to war, and back. These veterans stand for the equality of all mankind and for peace, not in a marketed fashionable way, but in the way that includes and respects all humanity in a deeply soulful way. They are the embodiment of facing evil and choosing peace. 

Thank you J.J. for including this Rusty Feminist and for providing the synchronicity that I needed.

Snakes in the Grass

I was warned about the snakes in the grass.  I did come across them.  My journey now is taking me to a complex intersection where no single road is clearly marked and indeed there are snakes, and theives and the blows come from behind.

If you are inclined to pray or send a good thought, now would be the time. Today I want to honor the loving relationships I have and express gratitude.  What I carry inside me canot be taken away by any manuver.  My talents, humour, empathy and vision are not commodities to be traded for real estate or diamonds, furnishings and artwork.  I will one day be buried with all that I am and I hope to leave behind an example of having done my best.

Forgiving for Good

Thanks T.K. for giving me these nine steps to forgiveness.  I'm typing them here in my blog hoping that by the act of doing so they will float around my consciousness. Like so much we struggle with the answers are elusive.  It's in the effort, however small, that we succeed.

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK.  Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who hurt you, or condoning of their actions.  What you are after is to find peace.  Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that comes from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are now suffering, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes -or ten years- ago.  Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to sooth your body's fight or flight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give to you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or you how and other people must behave.  Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put you r energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.  Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lives is your best revenge.  Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.  Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

"I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, 

and do not let expectations hinder my path."

dalai  lama

I started plotting my divorce over twenty years ago.  My first attempt went pretty well.  I got a restraining order (due to his alcoholic behavior toward the kids) and I really thought I could do it.  But then I saw my young son pulling the hair out of the top of his head, bald, and I caved.  I couldn't stand that I was causing my son that anxiety, and I was afraid of navigating my life alone.  I stayed with the devil I knew rather than risk the unknown.

The second attempt  6 years ago was foiled by a big fat (lie) apology where he promised to get professional help and be a better person, the one I deserved. He admitted his abuse and disrespect and he professed his love for me. I should have just thrown it in the apology box with all the previous apologies, but he called from the hospital where he was having some kind of nervous breakdown and he sounded really sad, like a puppy.  Of course he never got any professional help for his abusive behavior toward me, or any help for his addictions.

This is the final mother of all attempts to divorce.  This time it will be done.  I didn't fall for his latest apology and another promise to do better. What changed?  I learned to recognize and name the components driving my dysfunctional marriage.  I learned about the Cycle of Abuse and the honey moon stage that lulls us into another try.  I learned something called False Beliefs and I figured out what mine were.  I learned to stay calm and to observe his behavior and my reactions to it.  I learned that I froze in stressful situations and lost my confidence in the face of a bully.  I'm learning to stand up for myself by setting boundaries.  I'm aware of my triggers and I'm trying to put them in my past.

Along the way I admit to a few revenge fantasies, but thankfully they don't last long and most of them are pretty hilarious.  I'm really staying focused in the moment and on the life I can have without abuse. Wives of the 50's really did have to hide their anguish behind a mask  Today women can expect and ask for equality in their relationships and know when they are called a bitch or a nag that they are talking to a man who doesn't know what the word co-creation means.

No more drinking the koolaide.  Stand up for yourself, no one else will.

Leaving A Narcissist

There is no punishment withheld by the Narcissist for the partner whose has finally decided to leave.  Literature I've read often refer to it as having an arm or leg cut off, an actual part of the narcissist's identity is destroyed.  So the extreme anger and entitlment roar as if the Narcissist's life were threatened.  Of course, there is no empathy for their victims, not a shred of understanding for the damage they are doing, or have done.  For them it's always the "other guy" who was wrong, and particularly wrong to leave.

My stbx narcissist, addict, verbal and emotional abuser will fight to the death for what is not his.  He made his claim to my very identity and all that I owned when he married me.  Today is the day of reckoning as he views it.  There is no true remorse for his actions, not a shred of  repentance for all that he destroyed through selfishness, addiction and so many lies. There is only what was mine, now his.

He is punishing me for his sins. It's astounding.  It's evil.

"When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it."

lewis b smedes

Sometimes Everything Really is OK!

Do you know what the top selling 2012 pornographic films contain?

I do.  I have seen excerpts.  I have read descriptions of them and I have read the statistical analysis of the number of punches, kicks and slaps delivered to the women in these films as well as the number of times they are called by derogatory and slang terms for their physical anatomy.  I know that the great majority of these films depict women's faces obliterated by massive amounts of sperm in the "money shot" and that multiple and anal penetration is normalized in the largest segment of the industry, called "Gonzo".

How can this NOT be considered obscene under the supreme court 1973 decision abbreviated below:

obscene material legal definition

The U.S. Supreme Court set up a test for obscenity in its 1973 decision Miller v. California. The Court provided three “basic guidelines”:

• “Whether the average person, applying contemporary community standards, would find that the work, taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest.
• “Whether the work depicts or describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by the applicable state law.
• “Whether the work, taken as whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.”

These different guidelines are sometimes called the prurient-interest, patently offensive and serious-value prongs of the Miller test.

It's past due for another look at what pornography is today.  You blinked and it got UGLY real fast.  This ain't your daddy's Playboy.  This is a multi billion dollar industry profiting off the humiliation and degradation of women. If you are trying to raise children today you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

             PORN HARMS EVERYONE

Post Traumatic GROWTH

What is posttraumatic growth? It is positive change experienced as a result of the struggle with a major life crisis or a traumatic event. Although we coined the term posttraumatic growth, the idea that human beings can be changed by their encounters with life challenges, sometimes in radically positive ways, is not new. The theme is present in ancient spiritual and religious traditions, literature, and philosophy. What is reasonably new is the systematic study of this phenomenon by psychologists, social workers, counselors, and scholars in other traditions of clinical practice and scientific investigation.
What forms does posttraumatic growth take? Posttraumatic growth tends to occur in five general areas. Sometimes people who must face major life crises develop a sense that new opportunities have emerged from the struggle, opening up possibilities that were not present before. A second area is a change in relationships with others. Some people experience closer relationships with some specific people, and they can also experience an increased sense of connection to others who suffer. A third area of possible change is an increased sense of one’s own strength – “if I lived through that, I can face anything”. A fourth aspect of posttraumatic growth experienced by some people is a greater appreciation for life in general. The fifth area involves the spiritual or religious domain. Some individuals experience a deepening of their spiritual lives, however, this deepening can also involve a significant change in one’s belief system.

http://ptgi.uncc.edu/

Now this is an idea I can get behind!  Maybe it's just a fancy word for what some lucky survivors have been experiencing for many years.  I want this to be true for me.  I went back to my trauma therapist even though I posted that I graduated.  I had a relapse, a trigger.  She talked about attachment disorders and somatic therapy, then suggested I take a week's vacation and do something that fills me up. That's a fun assignment and I know just how to do it.  

Since I recognized my trigger, and got past the feeling that I was in a dream state, I have been feeling better.  I also have had some really tremendous support from friends and family.  It's critical to have good people in one's circle and to acknowledge their help.  People give more freely than I imagine and I am needlessly embracing my shame of having to ask for help.  so.....THANK YOU!

Apologies and Repentance

"Powerful and sneaky people use apologies as end runs around repentance. They betray a trust; and, when they have been found out, they say they are sorry for "mistakes in judgement"... They get by only because we have lost our sense of the difference between repentance for wrong and apologies for bungling... We should not let each other get away with it. A deep and unfair hurt is not a mere faux pas. We cannot put up with everything from everyone; some things are intolerable. When someone hurts us deeply and unfairly an apology will not do the job; it only trivializes a wrong that should not be trifled with." -- - Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive and Forget"

Definition of Battering

"Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. the batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc., to coerce and control the other person. The violence may not happen often , but it remains as a hidden and constant terrorizing factor."




Taken from a worksheet from a community domentic violence center.

Stunkle’s Truth

by Frieda Hughes

He'll take your words and make a noose
To hang you from the garden spruce,

He'll change your truth to something else

In order to defend himself.

Black is white and white is black,

He'll beat you with it till you crack,

Lies are truth and truth can lie,

Stones can swim and camels fly.

Liberal Men and Pornography

On liberal men

“For the last 30 years and more, I have watched liberals in America…try to repackage pornography and prostitution as a hip and groovy thing, a liberating thing, something novel and progressive and good for us all, men and women alike. Allegedly Leftist, Progressive men declare their loyalty (both as customers and partisans) to one of the biggest and most exploitative sweatshop industries of them all. Men who would not be caught dead wearing Reeboks or Nikes, or drinking Starbucks coffee, can still kid themselves into thinking Larry Flynt is some kind of People's Hero.”

-D.A. Clarke in Not For Sale

To Abuse Is A Deliberate Behavior

"Emotionally abusive relationships can be equally if not more severely damaging than physically abusive ones.  The dynamics of such relationships are very similar to those of physically abusive relationships.  The aim of the emotional abuser is to keep the victim in a perpetual one-down or disadvantaged position.  The emotional abuser seeks the dominant position and uses tactics of psychological intimidation and manipulation to keep the victim in line."

http://drgeorgesimon.com/drsimonsblogarchives.html