Got Consequences? That's a good thing.

Without social consequences the abuser's (addict's) entitlement grows to a level where they believe they are above reproach. When social consequences do arise, take heed, it is likely that there were prior incidents when he escaped consequences without your knowledge. Do Not Forgive and Forget, use the consequence as an opportunity to fully expose the danger that you may be facing in this relationship. You may need to  introduce vigilant monitoring and put time sensitive goals in place that can help you decide whether your partner is capable of (or even interested in) change.

Too many women, anxious to preserve their family unit, cave to hasty forgiveness that doesn't hold their partner accountable in the long term and the cycle of abuse starts all over again after a sufficient honeymoon.  I followed this pattern for too long in the face of many opportunities to hold my partner accountable. It seemed easier to be lulled by a brief reconciliation than face the inevitable pain of confronting the truth, standing my ground and risking loss. The benefit assessment for many woman considering enforcing accountability on their partner is overwhelming.  It's a radically challenging task for a women to attempt the dual roles of partner and vice cop while holding up her own esteem (single handed)!


If you decide to stay with a partner while he works a recovery program the most commonly held advice is to take your focus off of him and focus on your healing recovery.  Build a foundation of support and care for yourself.  Care for yourself in as many ways as you can think of.  Taking the focus off him on putting it on you will contribute to detachment and will facilitate your clarity about your own goals.  You are worth the effort.  


                                                                         

Gail Dines at Cambridge/ Anti-Porn Activist

Gail is an incredible researcher, advocate and speaker.  Author of Pornland: How Porn has Hijacked our Sexuality. Thank you for standing up for humanity.

Treating Pornography Addiction: Dr. Kevin B. Skinner

In his book Treating Pornography Addiction, Dr. Keven B Skinner writes the following:

   "Unlike any drug or alcohol substance, our own internal chemistry produces the addictive chemicals while viewing pornography and these chemicals are very addictive when they are abused.  We can get high on our own internal brain chemicals."
    "The specific brain chemicals include: epinephrine, testosterone, endorphins (endogenous morphine), oxytocin (a bonding peptide strongly associated with feelings of love), dopamine, serotonin, and phenlethylamine.  While these chemicals have multiple purposes, researchers have found that they parallel the molecular structure of amphetamines, which create a high arousal state.  Once released, these chemicals have an immediate effect on the mind and body but they are relatively short lived.  Thus, the addicted individual will often begin repeating  the cycle over and over again to maintain the high that comes with viewing pornography.  In the process of maintaining the high, he alters the chemical make-up of the brain."

This is very convincing science.  Imagine abusing your own body chemistry to the extent that you carry a powerful addictive drug in your own brain, just add pornography.  On the same page Skinner quotes Dr. Carnes (whom I have referenced in my previous posts) as follows:

    Dr. Carnes writes, "Prolonged use alters these individuals' brain chemistry until they 'require' the excitement to feel normal"  The battle of overcoming pornography is  further complicated by masturbation. 

When pornography and masturbation are at work together, the mind is receiving and incredible amount of chemicals.  The excitement and high are exhilarating to the addict.

So, now we have a complex self producing chemical cocktail combined with neural pathways that are re-wired by repeated viewing of pornographic images which results in the objectification and debasing of all women the addict encounters.  That's an awful mess for this Rusty Feminist.  How can we tolerate pornography in our culture knowing the real mental health implications?  

Your Brain on Porn: William M Struthers

The following are excerpts from William M. Struthers book, Wired For Intimacy: How pornography hijacks the male brain.


   "As men fall deeper in to the mental habit of fixating on these images, the exposure to them creates neural pathways.  Like a path is created in the woods with each successive hiker, so do the neural paths set the course for the next time an erotic image is viewed. Over time these neural pathways become wider as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography.  The become the auto-traveled pathway through which interactions with women are routed.  The neural circuitry anchors this process solidly in the brain"


    "With each lingering stare, pornography deepens a Grand Canyon-like gorge in the brain through which images of women are destined to flow.  This extends to women they have not seen naked or engaged in sexual acts with as well. All women become potential porn stars in the minds of these men.  They have unknowingly created a neurological circuit that imprisons their ability to see women rightly as created in God's image"


So this was part of the tragedy of my long marriage which over time became humourless, disrespectful and abounding with verbal and emotional abuse.  Pornography was a sure fire weapon for taking the intimate and trusting bonds of my marriage and turning them in to a one way rewired upchuck, courtesy of the pornography industry of which I (and every other woman he encountered) became unsuspectingly collateral damage.  WOW.  It explains so much.

Later in that same chapter he adds hope to those who have created this damaged pathway.

  "Because the human brain, the source of our mental life, is such a remarkable organ, it is important to have a good understanding of how it operates.  Knowledge about how it is put together and the regions having greater responsibility for the various aspects of our psychological experience help us understand why pornography affects us the way it does.  When we understand how the brain is flexible and plastic and also how it is unyielding and rigid, we an see not only how pornography can lead a person to a place of mental depravity, but also how hope for redemption and sanctification can be achieved."


This is very much aligned with what I posted earlier about the real possibility for "transformation" in the lives (and most critically the brains) of those who are afflicted with compulsive sexual behavior.  So at the bottom of Pandora's Box, there is HOPE for those who are willing.

What the Heck is Sex Addiction? (compulsive sexual behavior)

I've found several good sources for the definition of sex addiction or as it's referred to on the Mayo Clinic site, 'compulsive sexual behavior'.  Posted below are three explanations.  At the bottom is a quote from Patrick J. Carnes who is considered a pioneer in the area of  defining and treating sex addiction.


You can observe for yourself what these definitions have in common. Dr. Carnes and other experts in this field hold hope for the addict and for the possibility of transformation. In fact the word that my counselor used to describe the change from compulsively to health was "transformative".


                  *******************************************************

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.

Society has accepted that sex offenders act not for sexual gratification, but rather out of a disturbed need for power, dominance, control or revenge, or a perverted expression of anger. More recently, however, an awareness of brain changes and brain reward associated with sexual behavior has led us to understand that there are also powerful sexual drives that motivate sex offenses.

The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsively has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest.

(excerpted from the link below)

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/what-is-sexual-addiction/

Definition

By Mayo Clinic staff

Sexual expression is a natural part of a well-rounded life. But if you're obsessed with sexual thoughts, feelings or behaviors that affect your health, job, relationships or other parts of your life, you may have compulsive sexual behavior.

Compulsive sexual behavior — sometimes called hypersexuality, nymphomania or sexual addiction — may involve a normally enjoyable sexual experience that becomes an obsession. Or compulsive sexual behavior may involve fantasies or activities outside the bounds of culturally, legally or morally accepted sexual behavior.

No matter what it's called or the exact nature of the behavior, untreated compulsive sexual behavior can damage your self-esteem, relationships, career and other people. But with treatment and self-help, you can manage compulsive sexual behavior and keep your urges in check.

What is sexual addiction?

Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment.

Sexual addiction has been called sexual dependency and sexual compulsivity. By any name, it is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict's life. Sexual addicts make sex a priority more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the organizing principle of addict's lives. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior.

No single behavior pattern defines sexual addiction. These behaviors, when they have taken control of addicts' lives and become unmanageable, include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, child molesting, incest, rape and violence. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors.

http://www.sexhelp.com/addiction_faq.cfm#sexual-addiction

"Like an alcoholic unable to stop drinking, sexual addicts are unable to stop their self-destructive sexual behavior. Family breakups, financial disaster, loss of jobs, and risk to life are the painful themes of their stories.

Sex addicts come from all walks of life - they may be ministers, physicians, homemakers, factory workers, salespersons, secretaries, clerks, accountants, therapists, dentists, politicians, or executives, to name just a few examples. Most were abused as children - sexually, physically, and/or emotionally. The majority grew up in families in which addiction already flourished, including alcoholism, compulsive eating, and compulsive gambling. Most grapple with other addictions as well, but they find sex addiction the most difficult to stop.

Much hope nevertheless exists for these addicts and their families. Sex addicts have shown an ability to transform a life of self-destruction into a life of self-care, a life in chaos and despair into one of confidence and peace."

- Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.
Author of "Out of the Shadows," 1992

                             *****************************************

As you can see, sex addiction takes many forms and behaves similarly to other addictions that we are more familiar with.  At the bottom of the home page of my blog is a very informative text on addiction under the title"good reads".  If you are interested in understanding more about addictive behavior I recommend you read it.

Becoming an Expert on Pornography and Sex Addiction

Never did I imagine I would be concerning myself with the social implications of Pornography or its brutality to self, to intimacy and to the brain.  This tributary of examination is yet another gift from my long marriage.  It's how I am able to sort through the wreckage, the lies and betrayal. You may not view this as the noble equivalent of a mother's search for a treatment for her child's rare disease or a sister's pledge to find a cure for breast cancer, yet it is part of what I encountered in my life, so far.

If it were my choice I might have hoped for a cause more socially normative (more sexy) and certainly not one where I could be subject to whispers or suspicions about my character or the truthfulness of my experience.

We are surrounded by sexualized images, living in a virtual sea of pornographic culture but we are NOT supposed to put a light on it's evil seduction which annihilates values and relationships. Let's just not talk (or write) about it.  Lets pretend it's not really here until we can no longer and we are personally overtaken in it's wake. Sadly, that's pretty much what I did. It's a lot to confront but I am compelled to do so because I need to heal and this bit of writing is helping me.

Of course when I use the term 'expert' I use it in jest.  In the end this is no more than a scrapbook of what I searched for and learned on the Internet, in books, research papers, and in forums punctuated by some music some images and a few original posts describing how I feel and what I experienced.  If it reaches you and you learn something, I have exceeded my goal.

Exposing How Emotional Abusers Operate

Emotional abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to spot than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior 

Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their partners - some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their distress and unease over the relationship has been coming from abuse for quite some time. 

The longer a woman remains under the grip of an emotional abuser, the more she will start to question herself, her actions and her beliefs. It is the abuser's goal to make her believe that she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she make it stop. It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any relationship problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to her, and therefore acceptable 

Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control. 

The more independent a partner becomes, the more abusive the abuser will be, because he sees he is losing control of his partner. 

Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made. 

Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.

Emotional abusers often grow OLD without growing UP. They are emotionally stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-preoccupied, and demonstrate a passive-aggressive interpersonal style.




(excerpted from Lynne Namka Ed.D 2002)

odetta

SELF EMPOWERMENT, Embracing Sisterhood

 My definition of  feminism can be summed up in one word, EMPOWERMENT.  I find myself describing in great detail the traits and behaviors of Verbal Abusers here and how confusing it is to be at the receiving end.  What I want to emphasise is that  SELF EMPOWERMENT is the light to find our way through this and other dark forces we face.

I have written about how society and culture has defined for men their roles as aggressors and has taught them they are entitled to dominance over women.  The reverse is true for women.  We have been taught to submit, to be "nice".  I think this message of sublimation is part of why I stayed so long in a marriage to a man whose power-over aggression was his primary method of coping.

Despite the chuckle we now enjoy over the stereotypical 1950's housewife, the generational message to women , and to me, has been that of deference to the man.  This is still being modeling in this country in countless families.  Efforts to break the generational programming results in the labeling of women as 'bitch' or 'feminazi'.  Today the normalization of pornography is rapidly increasing the sexualization of women and girls and we are contributing to this by acceptance of  and contribution to the culture. This is NOT helping to get message of equality to either men or women.

Self Empowerment is our best tool.  How do we get there?  One of the foundations is communion with other women through honest discussion.  I have found support in women from vastly diverse economic and social status.  We share this history of sublimation and we need to listen to each other more than ever.   We cannot expect progress if we don't openly admit the truth to one another and in doing so confront the culture of submission and compliance.

We are surrounded by resources and by opportunity.  In his book Why Does He Do That, Lundy Bancroft strongly recommends asking a man's previous partner about their past relationship dynamic before you commit. Now that's sisterhood! Given opportunity, men who refuse to abandon self limiting beliefs and embrace equality should be regarded as unfit, until they evolve.

Women who are struggling with obsolete roles or have alternatively bought into the porntification of our modern world need education and encouragement to change their lives and thereby the lives of families. We need to re-educate men in our relationships and the boys that we raise, standing resolute in the belief that to work toward equality is good for everyone.

                                                                             
This woman did so much to help Women and Men, thanks Oprah.   You are The Best!

What Lies Beneath, The Ugly Truth

Being the partner of one of these (wounded, addicted, entitled, personality disordered) abusers is like peeling back an onion, over time, to find successive layers of deceit.  At the core is a carefully crafted system of denial that is essential for their survival, least the truth be known. The abuse can be your warning to be aware for what's beneath.

The Psychology beneath according to some experts is a self hatred and shame created from childhood trauma, also referred to as core wounds, particularly prevalent among men with distant and abusive fathers.  Others submit that abuse is behavior learned from our patriarchal culture and is a choice.

The Co-Morbidity  beneath cover the full range of illicit and immoral actions.  It is common for the abuser to be (secretly) engaged in addictions to drugs and alcohol, gambling, and sex.  He may be using savings to support these activities or may be siphoning money from the workplace or stealing from friends.  He may be attempting to hide previous consequences, anything from vehicular violations to tax fraud and keeping all of this secret from you.

The predeliction toward addiction can be partly explained as a physiological predisposition that is imprinted even before birth.  Science can now use imaging techniques to illustrate these brain responses to repetitive behaviors that produce dopamine and affect the neurological pathways. For a complete explaination, please see the addiction article at the bottom of this page under "Good Reads".

The Diagnosis beneath (co-occuring psychiatric disorders) can be any number of Personality Disorders.

Diagnosed Personality Disorders are the following:

Paranoid    PPD                         Obsessive Compulsive   OCPD
Schizoid     SPD                        Dependant     DPD
Anti-Social   ASPD                  Narcissistic      NPD
Borderline     BPD                   Avoidance      APD
Histrionic      HPD


The PD  traits most in common to Verbal and Emotional Abusers are:

Anger                                                       False Accusations
Bullying                                                   Identity Disturbance
Cheating                                                   Intimidation
Cognitive Dissonance                              Mood Swings
Denial                                                       Raging
Depression                                                Ranking
Entitlement                                               Self Victimization
Escape to Fantasy                                     Silent Treatment
Fear of Abandonment                              Mocking

Leave Him Now, or Leave Him Later

My personal observations about women seeking help with their controlling partners is that they are often in long term marriages of over 20 years before the woman has reached the limit of her ability to tolerate.  These women are the majority of those looking with desperation for the way out.

Today we have gathered in groups on the Internet and in private workshops to share our stories and help validate others on the path. There are the inevitable moments of relief as we find sometimes the only place where we are unconditionally supported.

It struck me deeply from the beginning of my research that I belonged to this tribe.  In the later years of my long marriage I became exhausted. As is common, I had made previous divorce filings, separations and ultimatums that have failed to produce real change. Virtually all of us have repeatedly allowed our partners back into the relationship after the reconciliation phase of the Cycle of Abuse. I did my share of this before I detached and saw my partner for who is really is.

Sadly, most experts hold only a slim chance for change in a verbal abuser who's control over his marriage has been sovereign for so long.  It takes a herculean commitment on the part of the man to learn how to be empathetic and generous after ruling like a tyrant.

There are available options. The men who have worked with Patricia Evans call it "The Sledgehammer Effect".  It begins with a list of all the ways he has projected onto you, as if he were you a woman, telling you what to think, how you feel, what and who you are.  The list is coupled with a one year separation during which the man receives targeted cognitive counseling and joins the MEVAC (Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control) site, where he is taught by other men how to be in a relationship.  During the separation the men see their spouses once weekly and practise what they learn.  It can work, if they do it.

Steven Stosney holds a weekend Boot Camp for men and couples through the Compassion Power website.  I have no experience with this option but have heard from women who have.

Men who operate from power and control very often have co-morbid addictions.  Drug, alcohol, gambling and sex addictions are common. All these addictions have 12 step groups which are, when fully embraced, excellent tools that can open the path toward spirituality and subsequent change.  The list of personality disordered traits are present in many of these men whether they are diagnosed or not.

The bottom line is the level of commitment that the abuser has for change and the woman's ability to recognise when change is real.  When it's not, she needs the strength to leave him now or leave him later.

Control Tactics in Arguments/And A GREAT SONG!

Sarcasm
Ridicule
Distorting what happened in an earlier interaction
Sulking
Accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks
Using a tone of absolute authority
Interrupting
Not listening, refusing to respond
Laughing out loud at your opinion or perspective
Turning your grievances around to use against you
Changing the subject to his grievances
Criticism that is harsh, undeserved or frequent
Provoking guilt
Playing the victim
Smirking, rolling his eyes, contemptuous facial expressions
Yelling, out-shouting
Swearing
Name calling, insults, put downs
Walking out
Towering over you
Walking towards you in an intimidating way
Blocking a doorway
Physical intimidation, such as getting too close when angry
Threatening to leave or harm you

(excerpted from Lundy Bancroft)

Notice that many of the tactics are non-verbal.  There are many tactics in the abusers arsenal. Covert and non verbal abuses are some of the most confusing, Like laughing or rolling eyes or sulking.  My abuser often walked out of the room or ignored me.

This Is My Theme Song!

Thank You, Jack Johnson

How to Recognize a Projection: I know you are but what am I?

Projections are an essential tool of an abusers arsenal and require that you train yourself to hear in reverse.  At first, and maybe fore a while, you are hurt and confused by these psychological missiles but in time and with the incorporation of Detachment as your shield you'll know the difference and see how these words are sadly rooted in the abusers own feelings about himself.

 According to Sigmund Freud, projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one "projects" one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else. 'Emotions or excitations which the ego tries to ward off are "spit out" and then felt as being outside the ego...perceived in another person'.^[4] It is a common process. (Wikipedia)


Abusive projections can be quite obvious such as being falsely accused of having an affair when in fact it is the abusers own guilt or unconscious desires that fuel the accusation.  Or they can be more subtle like defining and telling you what you are, or are not. 


 My husband had a habit of telling me that I wasn't "nice" and asking in an accusatory tone,"Why can't you be nice"?  Hearing projections over a long period of time wears down ones reserve of esteem and the result is that the abused partner becomes confused about their own perceptions. I used to think 'how am I not nice'?,  when I was simply asking for help, clarification or making some ordinary request like 'will you help clear the table?' He saw my remarks as impositions or threats to his entitlement to act as he wished, at all times.


I was in fact working toward co-creation in the household but was constantly defined by him as acting in opposition.  I was upset to be defined in this reverse way but couldn't see it as a pattern for a very long time. 


Give yourself a moment to think about the words your partner has used to define you, or tell you what you think and how you feel.  Listen to his words using detachment and you will be able to modify reacting to your abuser. When you stop reacting you do not contribute to the conflict and you work toward clarity. Remember what your abuser is projecting are negative feelings about himself, not the truth about you.

You Deserve to Be Happy....really?

A common remark made by concerned friends to those in challenging relationships goes like this; "You deserve to be happy".  It's an offer of empathy and understanding that is given in support when someone you care about is struggling.  When I heard this from time to time it always caused me to reflect because it did not ring true for me.  It was not a lack of happiness per se that I had experienced in my marriage.  Happiness, for me, is a choice that we make despite our daily trials.  I never lacked the opportunity for happiness. It would have served me better for a friend to validate that his words and actions, as I described them, were indeed abusive and that I was not crazy. This is the offer of understanding that women in relationships with abusers need the most.  When we are supported, we are empowered.


In her book Psychotherapy and the Quest for Happiness, E. vanDeurzen writes this about happiness;

To be truly happy is not to relish the simple sensation of happiness, comforting and pleasant thought it may be.  Happiness is a state of mind, which requires me to be open to the world, to others, to myself and to the ideas that inspire me.  The attitude of happiness is one of appreciation rather than condemnation or complaint.  Doing Happiness rather than being happy is to commune with the world as it is, with life as it comes.

Why Does He Do That: Lundy Bancroft

"An Abuser is a human being, not an evil monster, but he has a profoundly complex and destructive problem that should not be underestimated. The common view of abusive men as evil, calculating brutes can make it difficult for a woman to recognize her partner's problems. She tends to think: My partner really cares about me and has a good side to him. He has feelings, he's not a sadist. He couldn't be an abuser. She doesn't realize he can have all these positive qualities and still be an abuser."


This quote from Lundy's book is an excellent explanation of why in a relationship with an abuser  it's all too easy for the victim to make excuses for her abusive partner.


When I read Lundy's book I already knew I was married to an abuser. I had read all of Patricia Evans books several years prior. Still I cried all weekend.  This book is a very forthright thesis that will make a clear case for recognizing whether you are in a relationship with an abuser.  If you are, it may be a catalyst for grieving as it was for me.  In either case I recommend this book as it is considered (among women in partnerships with abusers) to be one of the best books to speak to the characteristics of Verbal Abusers.

Let Me Fix Me, by Detaching From You

I've written on the unhealthy choice to fix another in a partnership.  Now I want to share an important tool for fixing oneself that I used to bring light into my circumstance.   One of the best tools I used was Detachment.  I'll bet you've heard it before.  I first heard the term 15 years ago in CoDA meetings (co-dependants anonymous) but didn't master it until much later. I tried but I was largely unsuccessful.  It was hard for me to incorporate Detachment because I was very enmeshed in a pattern of reacting to my partners behavior. I took everything personally and willingly took on his stuff as part of my perceived role in the partnership.

It took a lot of effort on my part to learn how to see that my partner's struggles were not mine.  I can empathize with them and listen but I can do little else.  One easy phrase to remember are the 3 c's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it.

One very successful technique I used in developing detachment was bio feedback in the form of a hand held gadget from HeartMath.  You can do the same thing through meditation practice or relaxation tapes but this tool gave me real time audio feedback as I calmed my heart rate.  It is about the size of an ipod so I had it with me all the time. Like meditation it is based on conscience breathing and visualization.  Once my heart  rate and breathing were calmed I could detach from emotional triggers when an attempt was made to control and abuse me.  Using this method allowed me to see that he was creating his own tortured envelope of anxiety and fear and that I was outside of that envelope.

When you practise Detachment you will be able to follow through on setting and defending Boundaries. In time, either your partner will modify his behaviors and treat you with compassion or you will have the clarity to leave.


                       Remember to.......BREATHE

Fix it Syndrome

Fix-It Syndrome - Fix-It Syndrome is when an  individual frequently puts themselves in the position of a caretaker who is responsible for compensating for their  loved-one's behaviors, cleaning up any messes created by their actions and fixing any problems arising from their issues.

A large number  are fixers and rescuers - well meaning individuals who try to use their own ability to bring about change in others through the power of influence, persuasion, coercion or charm.

The Attractive Role of a Fixer or Rescuer

Fixers & rescuers often engage themselves in supremely noble activities. Like martyrs, they often sacrifice their own goals and hopes for the sake of the other person. There are a number of possible reasons why many of us cast ourselves in that role.

Nobility - This kind of self sacrifice is sometimes encouraged by popular cultural and religious beliefs. There is a strong cultural narrative that teaches us that it is more noble to give than to receive and that those who adopt this philosophy will prevail in the end. Many of our cultural heroes are people who martyred themselves or sacrificed themselves for a cause. Some of us, while we are suffering in silence, privately hope that we are winning the admiration of friends and family for doing so.

Action - Sometimes, when the world around us seems to be imploding in a world of crazy destruction, it can seem foolish to do nothing. At least if we are hacking our way through a jungle we have something to do and a task to focus our energy on. It can be therapeutic to take our frustration and confusion out on a project and sometimes the extra adrenaline we get from frequent conflict with our personality-disordered family members can be channeled to give us a kind of "super-human strength" to accomplish amazing things.

Latent Justice - Some of us, religiously or otherwise, view the universe as a place where all will be made equal in the end. Like some kind of emotional bank account, we pay in our efforts and sacrifices hoping and believing that some day, in this world or in the next, we will reap all that we have sewn, with interest.

Guilt & Pride - Some of us, while we are working hard on ourselves or on "the relationship", harbor a hidden vengeance and secretly plan for the day when our loved-one will "See the light", "come to their senses" or "pay back what is owed". We may secretly imagine our loved one coming to us, acknowledging all that we have done for them, and asking or pleading for our forgiveness.

(edited from www.outofthefog.net)


Do you recognize yourself in the role of rescuer or fix-it syndrome?  I hope the list of underlying motivations listed above will give you some clarity. It's important to reflect on motivations that may have contributed to tolerating an abusive relationship so that we can change our thinking.

Through the Dark Wood: James Hollis

In this book James Hollis describes the critical passage of mid life, tho he doesn't restrict the thesis to any particular age.  I had his audio book in my car for several months and I had the pleasure of attending his lecture, What Matters Most:Living a More Considered Life. 

Both in the book and at his lecture Dr. Hollis illustrates the way in which we bring our childhood coping skills and ways of thinking into adulthood.  It's probably something you have already considered but his eloquent presentation reinforced for me the importance of examining this.  It is part of the work of the passage through the (Dante's) Dark Wood to recognise and change these patterns or risk psychological distress.  He encourages us to grow out of the illusions of youth and into a spiritual maturity by letting go of beliefs that no longer serve us.  This spoke loud and clear to me as I have tried to face my romantic illusions and the patterns from my own childhood.

Dr. Hollis' description of the psychological and spiritual journey we each face is a reminder that struggle and pain are requisite for change. I was very moved by his words and would encourage you to read any of the many books he has written as a noted Jungian scholar and Analyst.

                             A Mandala from C.G. Jung's Red Book

Let Me Fix You, please, by Giving up My Self: A True Story

I have to laugh at this one, only because it is so me.  As a child I learned to be very self reliant and took on care taking responsibilities (out of necessity) that were age inappropriate.  Part of this was a good thing and part of it familiarized me with experience of intervening to care for and fix the problems of others.  Added to that construct were the routine teachings of my Catholic education from primary school.  My belief system was fully loaded with Confession, Contrition, Examination of Conscience and Self Sacrifice, all of which are inwardly focused and do not address the possible fault of the other. Yet another childhood coping skill I employed in response to the chaos of my male dominated family home was Conflict Avoidance. Instead of confronting disruptive behavior, I chose to isolate myself in a creative world of my own invention where I felt safe.

In eighth grade I had a boy friend whose mother had written me asking for my help intervening in his drug use. She saw my potential for care taking and fixing others even then.  This was the kind of stuff good girls did in order to go straight to heaven, that and saving dimes for the adoption of Pagan Babies!  I need to mention that I regularly prayed for my deceased mother from the ages of 5 to 12 in order to get her out of purgatory where I was taught souls waited before admission to heaven.

Armed with my religious training, an early history of taking responsibility for and fixing others and a habit of conflict avoidance I became the perfect candidate to surrender my self in the face of an others complex problems particularly one whom I thought loved me, my husband.  Despite my later exposure to feminism and self empowerment, when I married I reverted to patterns that had served me as a child.

Am I all better today? Not really, but I'm working on it with a vengeance and I've created this blog to reinforce what I now know to be true and I'm sharing it with the sisterhood. I hope my story has prompted you to think about what childhood lessons you learned and how they may not be serving your  life today as an adult.

Here's an image of an adolescent Saint (me!) who much later in life became a Rusty Feminist!

YES, YOU ARE.........a feminist

  Yes, You Are

Submitted by Sarah D. Bunting on September 30, 2003 

feminism n (1895) 1 : the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes 2 :organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests — feminist n or adj — feministic adj

Above, the dictionary definition of feminism — the entire dictionary definition of feminism. It is quite straightforward and concise. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.

Yes, you are.

The definition of feminism does not ask for two forms of photo ID. It does not care what you look like. It does not care what color skin you have, or whether that skin is clear, or how much you weigh, or what you do with your hair. You can bite your nails, or you can get them done once a week. You can spend two hours on your makeup, or five minutes, or the time it takes to find a Chapstick without any lint sticking to it. You can rock a cord mini, or khakis, or a sari, and you can layer all three. The definition of feminism does not include a mandatory leg-hair check; wax on, wax off, whatever you want. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.

Yes, you are.

The definition of feminism does not mention a membership fee or a graduated tax or "…unless you got your phone turned off by mistake." Rockefellers, the homeless, bad credit, no credit, no problem. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.

Yes, you are.

The definition of feminism does not require a diploma or other proof of graduation. It is not reserved for those who teach women's studies classes, or to those who majored in women's studies, or to those who graduated from college, or to those who graduated from high school, or to those who graduated from Brownie to Girl Scout. It doesn't care if you went to Princeton or the school of hard knocks. You can have a PhD, or a GED, or a degree in mixology, or a library card, or all of the above, or none of the above. You don't have to write a twenty-page paper on Valerie Solanas's use of satire in The S.C.U.M. Manifesto, and if you do write it, you don't have to get better than a C-plus on it. You can really believe math is hard, or you can teach math. You don't have to take a test to get in. You don't have to speak English. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.

Yes, you are.

The definition of feminism is not an insurance policy; it doesn't exclude anyone based on age. It doesn't have a "you must be this tall to ride the ride" sign on it anywhere. It doesn't specify how you get from place to place, so whether you use or a walker or a stroller or a skateboard or a carpool, if you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.

Yes, you are.

The definition of feminism does not tell you how to vote or what to think. You can vote Republican or Libertarian or Socialist or "I like that guy's hair." You can bag voting entirely. You can believe whatever you like about child-care subsidies, drafting women, fiscal accountability, Anita Hill, environmental law, property taxes, Ann Coulter, interventionist politics, soft money, gay marriage, tort reform, decriminalization of marijuana, gun control, affirmative action, and why that pothole at the end of the street still isn't fixed. You can exist wherever on the choice continuum you feel comfortable. You can feel ambivalent about Hillary Clinton. You can like the ERA in theory, but dread getting drafted in practice. The definition does not stipulate any of that. The definition does not stipulate anything at all, except itself. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.

Yes, you are.

The definition of feminism does not judge your lifestyle. You like girls, you like boys, doesn't matter. You eat meat, you don't eat meat, you don't eat meat or dairy, you don't eat fast food, doesn't matter. You can get married, and you can change your name or keep the one your parents gave you, doesn't matter. You can have kids, you can stay home with them or not, you can hate kids, doesn't matter. You can stay a virgin or you can boink everyone in sight, doesn't matter. It's not in the definition. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.

Yes, you are.

Yes. You are. You are a feminist. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist. Period. It's more complicated than that — of course it is. And yet…it's exactly that simple. It has nothing to do with your sexual preference or your sense of humor or your fashion sense or your charitable donations, or what pronouns you use in official correspondence, or whether you think Andrea Dworkin is full of crap, or how often you read Bust or Ms. — or, actually, whether you've got a vagina. In the end, it's not about that. It is about political, economic, and social equality of the sexes, and it is about claiming that definition on its own terms, instead of qualifying it because you don't want anyone to think that you don't shave your pits. It is about saying that you are a feminist and just letting the statement sit there, instead of feeling a compulsion to modify it immediately with "but not, you know, that kind of feminist" because you don't want to come off all Angry Girl. It is about understanding that liking Oprah and Chanel doesn't make you a "bad" feminist — that only "liking" the wage gap makes you a "bad" feminist, because "bad" does not enter into the definition of feminism. It is about knowing that, if folks can't grab a dictionary and see for themselves that the entry for "feminism" doesn't say anything about hating men or chick flicks or any of that crap, it's their problem.

It is about knowing that a woman is the equal of a man in art, at work, and under the law, whether you say it out loud or not — but for God's sake start saying it out loud already. You are a feminist.

I like this  definition because it's inclusive.  Feminism is inclusive, you can contribute to the acceptance of this term in your life.  We need a word and it's a good one, LET'S RECLAIM FEMINISM AS A SYMBOL FOR INCLUSION AND ACCEPTANCE.