Got Consequences? That's a good thing.

Without social consequences the abuser's (addict's) entitlement grows to a level where they believe they are above reproach. When social consequences do arise, take heed, it is likely that there were prior incidents when he escaped consequences without your knowledge. Do Not Forgive and Forget, use the consequence as an opportunity to fully expose the danger that you may be facing in this relationship. You may need to  introduce vigilant monitoring and put time sensitive goals in place that can help you decide whether your partner is capable of (or even interested in) change.

Too many women, anxious to preserve their family unit, cave to hasty forgiveness that doesn't hold their partner accountable in the long term and the cycle of abuse starts all over again after a sufficient honeymoon.  I followed this pattern for too long in the face of many opportunities to hold my partner accountable. It seemed easier to be lulled by a brief reconciliation than face the inevitable pain of confronting the truth, standing my ground and risking loss. The benefit assessment for many woman considering enforcing accountability on their partner is overwhelming.  It's a radically challenging task for a women to attempt the dual roles of partner and vice cop while holding up her own esteem (single handed)!


If you decide to stay with a partner while he works a recovery program the most commonly held advice is to take your focus off of him and focus on your healing recovery.  Build a foundation of support and care for yourself.  Care for yourself in as many ways as you can think of.  Taking the focus off him on putting it on you will contribute to detachment and will facilitate your clarity about your own goals.  You are worth the effort.