The Rusty Feminist: Let Me Fix Me, by Detaching From You

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Let Me Fix Me, by Detaching From You

I've written on the unhealthy choice to fix another in a partnership. Now I want to share an important tool for fixing oneself that I used to bring light into my circumstance. One of the best tools I used was Detachment. I'll bet you've heard it before. I first heard the term 15 years ago in CoDA meetings (co-dependants anonymous) but didn't master it until much later. I tried but I was largely unsuccessful. It was hard for me to incorporate Detachment because I was very enmeshed in a pattern of reacting to my partners behavior. I took everything personally and willingly took on his stuff as part of my perceived role in the partnership.

It took a lot of effort on my part to learn how to see that my partner's struggles were not mine. I can empathize with them and listen but I can do little else. One easy phrase to remember are the 3 c's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it.

One very successful technique I used in developing detachment was bio feedback in the form of a hand held gadget from HeartMath. You can do the same thing through meditation practice or relaxation tapes but this tool gave me real time audio feedback as I calmed my heart rate. It is about the size of an ipod so I had it with me all the time. Like meditation it is based on conscience breathing and visualization. Once my heart rate and breathing were calmed I could detach from emotional triggers when an attempt was made to control and abuse me. Using this method allowed me to see that he was creating his own tortured envelope of anxiety and fear and that I was outside of that envelope.

When you practise Detachment you will be able to follow through on setting and defending Boundaries. In time, either your partner will modify his behaviors and treat you with compassion or you will have the clarity to leave.

Remember to.......BREATHE

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The Social Costs of Pornography

"Overall, the body of research on pornography reveals a number of negative attitudes and behaviors that are connected with its use. It functions as a teacher, a permission-giver, and a trigger of these negative behaviors and attitudes. The damage is seen in men, women and children, and to both married and single adults. It involves pathological behaviors, illegal behaviors, and some behaviors that are both illegal and pathological."

Mary Anne Layden , 2008, Statement of Findings and Recommendations: The Witherspoon Institute

Peter Pan

The Peter-Pan psychological type is one characterized by immaturity or certain sorts of psychological, social, and sexual problems. The type of personality in question, usually male, is immature and narcissistic. More completely, according to Kiley, the characteristics of a "Peter-Pan" include such attributes as irresponsibility, rebelliousness, pottering about, anger,narcissism, dependency, manipulativeness, and the belief that he is beyond society's laws and norms. According to Kiley, "Peter Pan" is the adult little boy who, when in a relationship or in seeking a relationship, acts out a need for mothering. It is useful to compare the Jungian archetype of Puer Aeternus, the eternal boy.

http://www.narcissismfree.com/contact.php

potter about (third-person singular pottered about)

(UK) To potter, to be gently active doing various things in an almost aimless manner.

Walker¹⁴⁵ has clarified the operation of intermittent reinforcement paradigms in such relationships, applying the animal model of punishment-indulgence patterns. In child abuse or spouse battering, this mechanism is accentuated by the extreme contrast of terror followed by submission and reconciliation. When such negative reinforcement occurs intermittently, the reinforced response consolidates the attachment between victim and victimizer. During the abuse, victims tend to dissociate emotionally with a sense of disbelief that the incident is really happening. This is followed by the typical post-traumatic response of numbing and constriction, resulting in inactivity, depression, self-blame, and feelings of helplessness. Walker¹⁴⁵ describes the process as follows: "tension gradually builds" (during phase one), an explosive battering incident occurs (during phase two), and a "calm, loving respite follows phase three). The violence allows intense emotional engagement and dramatic scenes of forgiveness, reconciliation, and physical contact that restores the fantasy of fusion and symbiosis.^87,140 Hence, there are two powerful sources of reinforcement: the "arousal-jag" or excitement before the violence and the peace of surrender afterwards, Both of these responses, placed at appropriate intervals, reinforce the traumatic bond between victim and abuser.^31,145To varying degrees, the memory of the battering incidents is state-dependent or dissociated, and thus only comes back in full force during renewed situations of terror. This interferes with good judgment about the relationship and allows longing for love and reconciliation to overcome realistic fears.

People need a "safe base" for normal social and biologic development. Traumatization occurs when both internal and external resources are inadequate to cope with external threat. Uncontrolable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people whe intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Assaults lead to hyperarousal states for which the memory can be state-dependent or dissociated, and this memory only returns fully during renewed terror. This interferes with good judgment about these relationships and allows longing for attachment to overcome realistic fears.

(excerpted from the link below)

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

A Lesson for Bullies

A teacher in New York was teaching her class about bullying and gave them the following exercise to perform: she had the children take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stomp on it and really mess it up but do not rip it. Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty it was. She then told them to tell it they’re sorry. Now even though they said they were sorry, and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all the scars they left behind. Those scars will never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix it. That is what happens when a child bullies another child--they may say they’re sorry but the scars are there forever. The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her the message hit home.

Author Unknown

Smart Sex

According to sociologist Virginia Rutter of Framingham State College, surveys show that educated couples engage in more variety in their sex lives... Educated husbands are also more likely to help with housework, which turns out to be a potent aphrodisiac. Psychologist John Gottman, professor emeritus at the University of Washington in Seattle, found that when men do more housework, their wives are more likely to be "in the mood" for sex...

Studies have shown that men whose attitudes become more egalitarian during their marriage report higher marital satisfaction, and so do their wives; they also have better sex lives and more socially aware children...

Pamela Paul

Pornography thus creates deception and distrust in relationships. Most women have no idea how often their boyfriends and husbands look at pornography because the men do not tell them. Usually, the deception is deliberate, though many men deny to themselves how often they look at it, and most simply don’t think about quantifying the amount they view. While men consider trust crucial for a healthy relationship, they seem willing to flout that trust when it comes to pornography—deceiving their significant others into thinking they’re either not looking at it at all or are looking at it less frequently. Fitting pornography into one’s life isn’t always easy.

www.socialcostsofpornography.org/Paul_How_Porn_Became_the_Norm.pdf

Benefits of Authentic Sexual Relating

If authentic sexual relating were to be embraced as a broader social goal, imagine the benefits to our communities. Our media might offer tangible images of authentic intimacy, rather than the current focus on exploitive sex. If the skills required for authentic relating were the norm, we would reduce the likelihood that sexual energy would get channeled in destructive, violent, abusive ways. Similarly, the increased honesty in communication and respect for the body would decrease the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. All of these are sex-positive benefits, rather than a lapse into the repression of a more puritanical era.

If sex is truly like water, it is both life-sustaining and a source of tremendous energy. As a society, we are willing to plan for the quality and uses of our water. If we allow sexual energy to go undirected, we are opening the floodgates to sexual abuse and harm. We can only benefit by channeling this natural energy to positive, life-affirming purposes.

http://www.healthysex.com/page/the-maltz-hierarchy-of-sexual-interaction

Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD

In a paper in Comprehensive Psychiatry, researchers explored whether NPD should even be considered a disorder since the people who have it, by definition, think so highly of themselves. The authors conclude it is a pathological condition but one that uniquely causes "pain and duress" not to the sufferers but to those closest to them. Psychologist Allan N. Schore, an associate clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA says NPD can be summed up as, "Contempt of other people and their emotions." People with NPD are convinced there is nothing wrong with them; it's everyone around them who is impossible or crazy. There's some truth to their perception because often the spouse and children of the narcissist have been driven mad by their cruelty, disparagement, rages, and vindictiveness.

http://www.slate.com/id/2213740/pagenum/all/

Amazing International Audience

My stats show that the Rusty Feminist has viwers in Canada, Germany, Netherlands, Japan, Russia, New Zealand,United Kindom France and Israel, I'm so glad you are here!

oh, How Could I forget.. Sri Lanka !

Welcome Macedonia and Singapore, Latvia, Sweeden,

Italy and Saudi Arabia. Greeetings to South Africa and Greece ! Dominica and South Korea too.

KENYA...wow Germany, it is never to late to join!

Latvia, Brazil and Argentina...! Welcome Australia and Phillipines...gosh I feel like I'm calling out the Miss Universe Pagent contestants!

Welcome Saudi Arabia and Bangladesh, abuse is all over this planet and we need one another to understand and heal. Thank you for visiting.

Denmark and Turkey have joined us.

I see the problems with pornography – but what can I do about it?

Here are just a few ideas:

Refuse to give in and accept the pornography industry and their portrayals of women, children and people of color
Speak out against the sexism and racism found in the images
Use blogs, books, poetry, websites, songs, social gatherings to bring awareness to the harm of pornography
Ask critical questions about porngraphy’s effects on women and men, girls and boys
Refuse to back down when pornography supporters call us prudes
Demand changed behavior from men
Strategize about possible uses of public policy to address the harms of pornography
Organize a community against “gentleman’s” clubs and bookstores
Protest businesses that support the proliferation of pornography

The Rusty Feminist

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Let Me Fix Me, by Detaching From You

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A Lesson for Bullies

Judith Herman/ Trauma and Recovery

Smart Sex

William M Struthers: Wired for Intimacy

Pamela Paul

Benefits of Authentic Sexual Relating

Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD

T.S. Eliot

Amazing International Audience

Good Reads

Favorite Websites