Leave Him Now, or Leave Him Later

My personal observations about women seeking help with their controlling partners is that they are often in long term marriages of over 20 years before the woman has reached the limit of her ability to tolerate.  These women are the majority of those looking with desperation for the way out.

Today we have gathered in groups on the Internet and in private workshops to share our stories and help validate others on the path. There are the inevitable moments of relief as we find sometimes the only place where we are unconditionally supported.

It struck me deeply from the beginning of my research that I belonged to this tribe.  In the later years of my long marriage I became exhausted. As is common, I had made previous divorce filings, separations and ultimatums that have failed to produce real change. Virtually all of us have repeatedly allowed our partners back into the relationship after the reconciliation phase of the Cycle of Abuse. I did my share of this before I detached and saw my partner for who is really is.

Sadly, most experts hold only a slim chance for change in a verbal abuser who's control over his marriage has been sovereign for so long.  It takes a herculean commitment on the part of the man to learn how to be empathetic and generous after ruling like a tyrant.

There are available options. The men who have worked with Patricia Evans call it "The Sledgehammer Effect".  It begins with a list of all the ways he has projected onto you, as if he were you a woman, telling you what to think, how you feel, what and who you are.  The list is coupled with a one year separation during which the man receives targeted cognitive counseling and joins the MEVAC (Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control) site, where he is taught by other men how to be in a relationship.  During the separation the men see their spouses once weekly and practise what they learn.  It can work, if they do it.

Steven Stosney holds a weekend Boot Camp for men and couples through the Compassion Power website.  I have no experience with this option but have heard from women who have.

Men who operate from power and control very often have co-morbid addictions.  Drug, alcohol, gambling and sex addictions are common. All these addictions have 12 step groups which are, when fully embraced, excellent tools that can open the path toward spirituality and subsequent change.  The list of personality disordered traits are present in many of these men whether they are diagnosed or not.

The bottom line is the level of commitment that the abuser has for change and the woman's ability to recognise when change is real.  When it's not, she needs the strength to leave him now or leave him later.