According to Sigmund Freud, projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one "projects" one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else. 'Emotions or excitations which the ego tries to ward off are "spit out" and then felt as being outside the ego...perceived in another person'.[4] It is a common process. (Wikipedia)
Abusive projections can be quite obvious such as being falsely accused of having an affair when in fact it is the abusers own guilt or unconscious desires that fuel the accusation. Or they can be more subtle like defining and telling you what you are, or are not.
My husband had a habit of telling me that I wasn't "nice" and asking in an accusatory tone,"Why can't you be nice"? Hearing projections over a long period of time wears down ones reserve of esteem and the result is that the abused partner becomes confused about their own perceptions. I used to think 'how am I not nice'?, when I was simply asking for help, clarification or making some ordinary request like 'will you help clear the table?' He saw my remarks as impositions or threats to his entitlement to act as he wished, at all times.
I was in fact working toward co-creation in the household but was constantly defined by him as acting in opposition. I was upset to be defined in this reverse way but couldn't see it as a pattern for a very long time.
Give yourself a moment to think about the words your partner has used to define you, or tell you what you think and how you feel. Listen to his words using detachment and you will be able to modify reacting to your abuser. When you stop reacting you do not contribute to the conflict and you work toward clarity. Remember what your abuser is projecting are negative feelings about himself, not the truth about you.
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