The Stranglehold Of Abuse

It has taken quite a bit of effort on my part to find clarity in my long marriage.  In moments of despair I journaled about my feelings of inner turmoil.  I want to share an example of my journal written a few months before I filed for divorce.  My self doubt was overwhelming as I tried to recover from the most recent interaction with him. This is the clearest testament I can give about how living with an Abuser (Narcissist) can torque your thinking and cause a partner to feel they must submit to survive.

From my Journal:


"I feel sick in the stomach and ask myself am I good or am I bad? Am I walking my path with resistance or am I walking in the flow.

Did I create this situation with my husband from a dark place or from a place of goodness?

I try to examine my circumstance to understand the pain and to be righteous in my actions and I am lost, not clear.


 Am I holding my own self interests above those of Godliness and sacrificing my family for desires of pettiness?

My psyche tells me to ask for protection to stand up for myself and yet as I am doing this I judge myself harshly and easily loose the resolve to confront.  I am tricked by my persona who is capable, likable, funny and confident. She does not accompany me on my struggling path. She defers to the child who is confused and very sad. The child who asks why is life not simple why is my life not like the peaceful and comforting life of others?

If  I don't succumb and volunteer to his control it is the same as agreeing to war.  My mind tells me that I am not a soldier and that in my past I could not be brave, that there is no salvation in conflict, that it breeds more of the same.

I want to be open to God's desire for me and give up my will which is preventing me from peace."


Reading this over I feel immense compassion for my Self.  I can see how the grip of Abuse and False Beliefs had such a strong hold on me.  I am so thankful to be abandoning this gravely unhealthy way of thinking and behaving.  I have seen this in other women in support groups I am active in and I have empathy for the depth of self confrontation required to free oneself from the sickness of these actions and reactions.